Motherhood is Tiring but Rewarding
by Womenreligiousfan
Summary: Join Diana as she and William, with my other original characters, as they raise Spencer while struggling with the challenges severe mental illness and having an atypical child brings. Sequel to Days of Youth. Second Story in This is Not Your Grandma's Treatment Team series.
1. Chapter 1

"St Jude, you'll be hearing from me a lot, because I'm beginning to think motherhood is impossible,especially when you have issues like me. I hate mental illness." Diana Reid held her week old son as she walked down the hospital hallway with her family. For almost 6 years now, she had lived with the diagnosis of Schizophrenia. Her family and friends had given her a lot of support and worked together to make sure her husband, William didn't burn out.

"Nothing is impossible with God, dear. You have quite the support system behind you too. I don't think this is an impossible cause"stated her sister, Anne who was a Catholic sister and psychiatrist.

"I've cut back on my caseload at the hospital, now that we have an additional psychiatrist on staff. Your friend Barb told me she's a phone call away now that she's retired from Bennington ,and Father John said he'll drop in as much as possible" said Diana's best friend and former college roommate,Veronica. Their friend Barb was a recently retired psychiatric nurse from Bennington Sanitarium,a private psychiatric hospital in Las Vegas. Their parish priest was very empathetic to those with mental illness as his sister had Schizophrenia.

"Well little Spencer, I think there is hope for you with your crazy mommy after all" said Diana kissing her baby boy.

"Honey, you've done so well during the pregnancy and birth. Almost a year since your last hospitalization and I'm going to be here for you as much as possible" said William,before kissing his wife and baby.

" I think God gave me my team at the hospital.. And that is not a delusion" Diana deflared.

" I agree, now let me bring up the car, so we can bring our baby home" said William.

"I'm really nervous, Veronica" said Diana

"Lots of mothers are Diana."

" I read Dr. Spock and took lots of notes."

"That's wonderful, I'll be a phone call away. If you would like to, you could always come over or come to the library with me" suggested Veronica,who had moved next door after she and William had speculated that something was not right, a few months before Diana's first episode of psychosis.

"I think I might do that. Spencer needs to see books at an early age. Reading is so important."

"Diana,I'm a phone call away too. I love you. May God bless you. May I make the sign of the cross on your forehead and pray with you?"asked her sister who taught at a college in Los Angeles and had some clients at a mental health clinic for low income patients, run by the diocese. She had sometimes made the 4 hour trip on weekends to help her sister and the Sisters who shared her apartment,were very understanding of her occasional absences on the weekend.

"Oh please, Anne." Together they prayed for the health of mother and baby for many years to come.

Father John Riley sat in the rectory with a heavy heart. For six years he had known the Reid family. He had suspected from the moment he met Diana, that an episode of psychosis was not far off. She had joked about being the absent minded professor,but he had seen it happen to his sister, the year before. He knew it was probably mental illness. He had been there for her whenever she needed someone, during numerous hospitalizations, every Sunday evening at her home for dinner with his sister and most recent,during the birth of little Spencer. The Bishop of Reno had just transferred him to a parish in Reno and tomorrow was his last Sunday at St. Mary's in Las Vegas. He prayed the news would not affect Diana too much. She had wanted Spencer to be baptized by him so much.

William scanned the mail when he got home, after Spencer and Diana had gone to bed. Thanks to Anne,the house was spotless. William thought she was the best sister in law anyone could ask for. She lived to serve as Jesus, a prime example of servant leadership. He opened a letter from the parish,hoping it wasn't what he thought it was. When he read of Fr. John's transfer his heart sank. He knew that there was still lots of stigma around mental illness and although it seemed somewhat common among some of the more approachable and social justice minded priests to have a MSW (Masters in Social Work), there still were some traditional authoritative ones who still believed in exorcisms and didn't try to understand the complexities the marginalized faced firsthand. If that was the case, Diana would have one less person in her support system and that saddened William

He tried to break the news as gently as possible to Diana. She was quite upset by the news.

"Stupid patriarchy,bishops moving priests around like a game of chess."

"Oh Diana, he's been very good to us I know. It hurts me too. But let's give the new priest a chance. Perhaps he will respond well to education about mental illness."

"Fr. John should baptize him right here, right now."

"But you love the Mass and welcoming Spencer into the community."

"The new priest better not know I'm crazy."

"It's up to you my dear."

They heard Spencer cry.

"Why must he cry so much? He cries too much William."

"I'll check on him Diana. How about you put some music on?"

She put on a choral arrangement of a favorite prayer by a mystic who she used to teach. By the end of it,little Spencer's crying had stopped.

"Do you like the words of Teresa of Avila,little one? Let Mommy hold you."

"I know the crying can be stressful and trying to figure out his needs. But Spencer will know you love him,Diana. I'm here to make sure that he and you get good care."

"You won't ever leave me will you?"

"Oh no. I'm not that heartless. I'll do everything I can to make this marriage work."

"Your Grandma Reid says she thinks you'll want an annulment because of the Schizophrenia and our child may turn into Ed Gein because I'll be a horrible mother."

"Sweetheart. She's just afraid of any woman who doesn't want to be a complacent housewife. My mom even got criticism for being on the parish council. All she knows is life with Grandpa who I hear wasn't kind to her."

"Oh,so don't listen to her?"

"No, remember what Anne told you. It wasn't your controlling mother who made you ill."

"My brain doesn't work right. Psycho is just a foolish movie."

" Let's have some pizza ,it's ready now."

They relaxed the rest of the evening, knowing that they could work together to give Spencer a good life.


	2. Chapter 2

Diana looked outside at the rain as she held her 6 month old son Spencer. It was a very dreary day. She knew though however, that she must have some structure, but not too much that it was overwhelming , for fear of stress that may lead to psychosis. Spencer had been baptized,but the new priest who had said some insensitive things about mental illness that had made Diana decide not to attend again. She didn't know if she could ever go there to Mass again. She also felt that things were moving in a direction with Pope John Paul II she disapproved of. Could she still be Catholic and disagree with the hierarchy with some actions and papal documents? Her sister said yes, but all this thinking was stressful.

"I love you baby. Do you think I should stay Catholic?"

"Ma ma ma"

"Trying to talk little one? It seems like a good day for that Carpenters song." Diana put on a single, she had listened to many times, Rainy Days and Mondays. She heard footsteps, made the sign of the cross, wondering if she should be afraid,until she saw it was William.

"Have you eaten honey?"

"Breakfast,is it lunch already?"

"Spencer, can you crawl to Daddy?"

Diana put him down and Spencer crawled to William.

"Oh, William. I think you are good with babies. I'm hungry."

"I'll make you a sandwich before going back to the office. Why don't you feed Spencer?"

"That wasn't really crawling."

"Well, not exactly,more like scooting on his stomach. He'll crawl when he is ready."

" Let me get your formula, baby." Diana felt like a nap,it had been a long morning.

Just then the phone rang. It was Veronica who had planned to come over so Diana could nap. A few minutes later she was over.

"Afternoon Diana."

"Thanks for coming. He cried this morning. It gave me a headache."

"Did everything work out?"

"Yes,but I hate it when it takes so long to figure it out."

"I understand, now you go rest knowing he is in good hands."

After Diana had her nap, Spencer went down for his nap and she and Veronica chated.

"I was wondering if you ever thought of not being Catholic?" Diana asked.

"What brought this up?" Asked Veronica.

"Well I disagree with the Pope on some things and wonder if there are more good priests out there?"

"Good meaning,not like who we have at the parish now, but who talk less of sin, more of mercy?"

"Yes, am I bad Catholic for questioning or disagreeing?"

" I can't judge that Diana, but I don't like how our country and church are so divided. You are strong in your faith in many ways. I admire you for having faith. You are a strong woman."

" I miss Fr. John."

" I know Diana, me too."

" I want Spencer to know what I like about being Catholic. I want him to see some good in Christianity."

"I'm sure he will dear."

"It's hard being me. Jesus does love those with mental illness, right?"

"Yes! He and I will be here for you."

"Oh dear God, help me. I'm doubting."

"Everyone does,Diana. He is here, so is his mother and your amazing support team."

"With God's help,I'll survive, for Spencer."

"I'm pretty sure your sister would agree, but you must have faith in yourself too."

"It sucks being sick, but I can survive and if I relapse you and William will watch over Spener, and God will too."

"Yes, Diana. Want to take Spencer on a walk? The weather is bearable." It was Las Vegas in the fall,in the early afternoon,not exactly cool.

"Yes, I need my exercise, I'm told."

The three went for a walk and Diana felt a little better than she had this morning, knowing that Veronica and William were her rock and helped her and Spencer safe and healthy.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

On a pleasant spring day, Spencer and Diana were sitting outside reading. Diana was trying to read,but like always her mental illness made it hard to concentrate. Spencer was now two years old. He flipped through a cardboard book with an alarming speed.

"Baby, don't you like it?" Asked Diana.

"No story,Mommy."

" I thought that's a new book?"

"I read it."

"Spencer,you aren't old enough."

"A, B, C, D…"

"That's right!"

"Diana!" William had returned from his law practice for lunch and was calling for his wife.

"We are on the patio. Spencer can read." Diana was quite lucid,although a bit tired and was quite surprised.

"What? Diana,how have you been feeling?"

"As normal as I can be." Diana did not feel like she did before a relapse.

"Spencer, did Mommy read that to you?" He was surprised to see the first age appropriate book in the house. Not every mother read classic literature to their 2 year old, but his wife did.

"This alphabet I saw with Elmo,Big Bird!"

"When did you watch Sesame Street?"

"V's house." He said referring the nickname he gave Veronica.

"That would have been last week. You remember what the letters looked like?"

"Yes,daddy."

William noticed that Spencer had trouble with eye contact. He wondered if if was because Diana struggled with it or there was something more. He was socially awkward too. He seemed very sensitive about some things too.

"He's a very smart boy,William."

"Yes, but a little different than his peers."

"Different isn't bad."

"I'm only making an observation, honey."

"Just don't argue,William."

" I did enough of that in court today. I just wanted to see how you 2 were."

" Lunch with Daddy, lunch with Daddy."

"Well, I don't have much time today, Spencer"

Spencer looked confused and a bit sad.

"Anything you need before I leave?" William quickly ate his sandwich.

" I don't think so, Veronica should be here soon."

Soon Veronica stopped in.

"William said Spencer is different. But l love him just the way he is" Diana declared. William had just left

"Of course, Diana. So does William."

"Nap time, nap time." Declared Spencer.

"You like routine more than me,baby" Observed Diana whose routine and support seemed to help the voices and delusions from appearing frequently.

"Can I tuck you in Spencer?" Asked Veronica.

"Mommy too?"

"Yes, baby."

Once Spencer got in bed and handed Diana the glasses that were too big for him, he bowed his head and folded his head and said "God help us."

"I'm not quite sure if I'm considered a practicing Catholic or not,but I believe that. Plus,he's two, he shouldn't have to recite something about dying and the state of his soul" Diana declared.

"I never liked many traditional prayers either. Have you taken your noon Meds?"

" I don't remember."

"Well let's go check."

"Must take them,for Spencer. I can't go away again." She had been briefly hospitalized a few months ago.

"Even if you didn't have any family, I'd hope you take them. This dosage is better,right?"

"Spencer needs his mommy to take care of him. I'm not like some of William's clients."

"Diana, there is no use comparing yourself to those who don't seek treatment."

"I'm a good mother and I take my medication."

"Yes, let's go check it now."

Diana hated being aware of her illness. In between periods of psychosis,she was never quite fully recovered. Her memory and attention always seemed to be poor, her affect flat, socializing was difficult. Sometimes, she wondered,why me,so many people with mental illness have it worse in terms of support. Her family and friends told her that she was blessed and taking care of herself and son were important, and that they'd always be there to help. It gave her comfort, but oh how she longed to be "normal" again.


	4. Chapter 4

By the time Spencer was 3,family and friends sensed that something was very different about him. He was extremely bright,but struggled with nonverbals, thrived on structure and had difficulty with social rules. He also had some sensory issues. It had been stressful for William and Diana to deal with schizophrenia and Spencer's difficulties. Diana was doing well and was enjoying a getaway weekend in Reno with William,including Mass at Fr. John's parish. Veronica was babysitting Spencer.

Spencer was sitting on the floor counting his toy blocks by 2's.

"2,4,6,8,10.. "

"Dinner,Spencer. First dinner, than blocks. I have Mac and Cheese."

"Yay."

He looked at the home made meal that looked different from his mom's boxed version, apprehensively. He took a bite and couldn't stand the cheese sauce. He couldn't verbalize it well,but the texture was sure different and it made him uncomfortable.

"Yucky, very,very weird. I want my Mommy's cheese." He began to cry.

"Oh,Spencer. Can you try to eat just a little?"

He did,but couldn't stand it and began to cry some more. It turned into a tantrum.

"Spencer, would you like peanut butter and jelly?"

"Yes,please."

"Spencer, what would make you feel better? Let's calm down. Deep breaths."

"Mommy says I don't like change or different."

"Your Mommy is very smart. Her brain is a little different too. Different is ok."

"2,4,6,8 who do we appreciate? Spencer, Spencer, Spencer! Mommy does that."

"Great,Spencer. You like that don't you!"

"I love numbers and words."

Veronica knew she should really speak to her colleague who was originally from Germany and had been studying the work of a Hans Asperger,whose work had yet to be translated into English. Spencer had great verbal skills, so the diagnosis of infantile autism that was in the DSM, the book used by mental health professionals to diagnose didn't seem to apply, but it seemed like this Hans Asperger was describing Spencer.

That evening when Diana and William arrived,Spencer was asleep.

"How's Spencer?" Asked Diana.

"He's doing well now, sleeping. He had a tantrum over some sensory issues. Not a fan of the thick real cheese in homemade macaroni and cheese, I'm afraid. How was your weekend?"

"Wonderful. Fr. John says hello. But then on the way back William listened to Brick House and Devil With the Blue Dress On."

"You sure you know the way to that feminist's heart William?"

"She made me listen to Helen Reddy."

"Good compromise, Diana. I think Spencer really likes spending time with you."

"Do you think I'm a refrigerator mother? Is it my fault Spencer is different? His pediatrician says.."

"Diana, that man needs to retire if he still believes in that theory."

"He also said that he may have a mild form of infantile autism and that might have something to do with childhood Schizophrenia, but that can't be right" exclaimed William.

"He's at a University of Nevada Clinic? Dear God,that's outdated. I will bring that to the attention of the administration and the licensing board."

"Oh, thank God." Diana made the sign of the cross.

"Let me get in touch with a colleague who has knowledge of children with similar differences as Spencer."

"That sounds good. I'm sometimes afraid his behavior will be enough stress to lead to another break,but yet, I love my baby."

"I understand, Diana. Now, I'll see you later, my night class starts soon."

"Goodnight" said Diana and William in unison. They hoped Veronica's friend would shine some more light on Spencer.


	5. Chapter 5

Spencer's Kindergarten teacher was blown away by his intelligence and so was the Gifted and Talented teacher. Everyone sensed though that Spencer wasn't just socially awkward, but something else was going on. The school psychologist had recently tested Spencer and had also read a paper in an academic journal describing the findings of Hans Asperger and thought the description fit Spencer. Of course Diana, William, Veronica and Veronica's colleague agreed. Diana, William, Veronica, Spencer's Kindergarten teacher, the psychologist and his Gifted and Talented talented were at a meeting about Spencer's future.

"Spencer just loves spending one on one time with you Anna. I wish he didn't have to spend time with the other children" said Diana to the Gifted and Talented teacher.

"I do love spending time with Spencer. He's a bright and kind boy,however I have other students who need me. My program is structured for the children who are bright, but more like the kindergarten student who can read, at a first grade level,not the 5 year old who should be in 5th grade."

"I call him my little professor," said Diana.

"He does remind me of a stereotypical professor. His classmates have remarked that he talks like the professor on Gilligan's Island" said his classroom teacher,Mrs. Mullins.

" He can't converse with his teammates. He's not good on our Little League team, but I want to make sure he has a social life," said William.

"We could try teaching social skills, but I think Spencer may be a bit resistant. We must remember that the struggles he is facing is because his brain works a little differently. Very much like what Hans Asperger described. Am I correct Dr. Murphy? asked the psychologist Mrs. Julie Schmidt of Veronica.

"Just Veronica is fine, but yes you are correct."

"Veronica is very good with Spencer" Diana declared.

" She does seem very knowledgable. You are lucky to have her as a friend. I think maybe if Spencer went to the 5th grade, I could check in with the teacher on a regular basis to see if he is being challenged" said Mrs. Anna Duran.

"Spencer seems quite interested in the human body and also excels in Math" explained his Kindergarten teacher, Julia Mullins.

" At least he isn't interested in Theology of the Body" mumbled Diana.

Anna Duran wanted to laugh but disguised it as a cough.

She then turned to Diana and whispered," I miss our feminist Catholic discussions on donut Sunday's. I need to get you to come back to the parish."

"What's going on ladies?" Asked Julia.

"Oh,nothing" replied Anna. The Gifted and Talented teacher gave Diana a smile.

They decided that although they thought 5th grade was best for Spencer, they would ask him what he wanted to do. The meeting had been exhausting for Diana. Only her friend Anna knew of her diagnosis. She remembered the delightful exchange with her and that her little professor was smart enough for 5th grade. Both things helped her get through the day.

That night at dinner, Spencer was enthused with the idea of being an official 5th grade student.

" Mrs. Duran does not have the time to give me harder school work. She always says she wishes I could be challenged more. I'd love to be in 5th grade. I can't stand Kindergarten."

So, it was decided, Spencer was to enter 5th grade.


	6. Chapter 6

"Mom, why does there have to story problems when one has equations?"

"I don't know Spencer. I hate numbers. You can't distract me, I'm cooking" Diana replied.

Having an exceptionally bright child and a severe mental illness that affected one's cognition was extremely difficult. The Reid family had moved a year ago, a few months after Diana had seen the dead body of a neighborhood pedophille,Gary Michaels. As a lawyer, William knew it was foolish that he had not reported anything to the police,but Diana had been very stable and having to testify might be stressful enough that she'd experience psychosis. William also was very sure that the defense or police could try to implicate her, since she had slipped and got blood on her clothing. William was a criminal lawyer and understood the stress of a trial and felt he had done the right thing. After the move,Diana had a relapse and had spent some time in the hospital but was now in what she called "as normal as I think it's going to get mode." William and Diana loved Spencer's school though and were very happy to see him allowed to be in 5th grade. Diana had spent some time with Spencer's gifted and talented teacher since they exchanged a joke at that meeting a few months ago. It was nice to have one more friend to spend time with who viewed Catholicism the same way she did.

"I can mix the sauce,Mom" offered Spencer.

"Thanks honey,here you go."

"Why is it that story problems have names of ethnic minorities in them?"

"To make George Wallace and Jesse Helms mad."

" Really?"

" I was trying to make a joke. Learning about the world around you is so important Spencer. People who write your schoolwork want everyone included and you to learn about differences. Thank God for Betty Crocker's Suddenly Salad." Diana got out the strainer. She wished her brain helped her convey her emotions better. Flat affect sucked.

"Honey, I'm home."

"William, do I look like June Cleaver?"

"Strong, intelligent, feminist, the fabulous Dr. Diana Reid,I'm home."

"Much better."

"I'm going to do the unmasculine job of setting the table."

"Don't tell the Knights of Columbus."

"How did you become so happy and quick witted?"

"I went to the university library and went to Veronica's new appartment. Her cat is very sweet."

"That sounds wonderful. She's such a blessing in providing structure for you."

"If we ever get a cat, we should name it Macavity," said Spencer.

"T.S Elliot," remarked Diana.

"That's musical now,Cats. I'll be grilling if you need me," said William.

"Let me look over your homework Spencer,anything but the Math" stated Diana.

"Ok, Mom. I'm struggling with a word count on this assignment."

"Well, just like when you talk to me,it should be clear and concise. It's not that the teacher has trouble processing rambling information that goes off in tangents like me, but it's standard practice to write this way. If I feel too overwhelmed, your father may have to finish helping you."

Lord, give me the mental energy and concentration to help Spencer a little, I'm running on empty, she prayed. This is what a typical good day looked like for Diana. She never did function just as well as she did before showing signs of Schizophrenia. She wished more people understood how cognition was affected by severe mental illness.


	7. Chapter 7

Author's note: I don't own Dairy Queen or National Catholic Reporter,just like them.

Spencer's Sixth Birthday

Diana knew that Spencer deserved a birthday party now that he was in school,even though he didn't have any peer friends. Anna's son who was in 5th grade,Jeff had befriended Spencer and shared some of his interests. William and Diana were grateful he had someone to spend time with. They decided it would be best for Diana and Spencer to have a small party with less stress and stimulation. Diana's sister Anne and friend Veronica helped Diana prepare something.

After singing Happy Birthday to Spencer,everyone dug into the ice cream cake.

"Delicious, Dairy Queen,you said?" Asked Anna.

"Yes,heavenly isn't it?, declared Anne.

" Aunt Anne, how can cake be heavenly?," asked a perplexed Spencer.

"It's another way of saying wonderful,Spencer."

"Ok."

"So what do Sister Anne?," asked Anna's husband Bob.

"Well,I'm a psychiatrist at a clinic in a low income neighborhood in LA. I also am working as adjunct faculty at Loyola Marymount. I don't do nearly as much publishing and research as I used to."

"Interesting," replied Bob.

"She's also a protester," exclaimed Diana.

William rolled his eyes,being in the political minority and opposed to bringing up politics at a six year old's party.

"While protesting nuclear disarmament,I was arrested and a radical priest came and got me released, and we were all on the cover of the National Catholic Reporter."

"I saw that,that was you?" Anna was in awe.

"Yes, that was me."

"I'm proud she's my sister. Stopping to visit,but usually not without protesting the government."

"She's actually protesting a policy of the government,Mom."

"Oh,Spencer,I know that," keeping up with her son could be exhausting.

"How about we open gifts?," suggested William.

A few minutes later,Spencer was enjoying his gifts.

"Wow,Star Trek and Star Wars on VHS. Thanks Mom and Dad."

"You are welcome Spencer." William enjoyed science fiction too,although it seemed like one of the only ways he could relate to his gifted son.

Spencer got The Chronicles of Narnia series from the Duran family and some Roald Dahl books from his aunt Anne.

"Mr. Reid, can we watch a Star Wars video and have a soda at the bar in the basement?," asked Jeff.

"Sure, want to join us anyone?"

"Sure," replied Bob.

"I'll clean up, why don't you ladies go into the living room and I'll be with you in a bit,"said Anne.

Diana was grateful to spend some time with less people and she couldn't pick better ones than her close friends.

"How are you feeling Diana?," asked Anna.

"Good,I think. My doctors say I'm pretty stable."

" I have a cousin with Schizophrenia. I understand, as much as I can what you go through. I also have a minor in psychology."

" You are one of my only friends. I'll always trust you Anna."

"Good, I pray for you."

"Prayer is good."

"Amen,Diana,"replied Veronica.

"I haven't relapsed in a while,but never normal."

" I tell Jeff and my students,normal is just a setting on the dryer."

"You are who you are Diana, and we all accept you just the way you are," explained Veronica.

"I'm a terrible hostess,but I'm so tired."

"It's alright,do you mind if we stay and chat?,asked Anna.

"That's fine."

After exchanging hugs Diana went off to bed.

"Thank you so much for being there for her Anna",said Veronica.

"Thank you too. She really does appreciate all you do. I see glimpses of her likes and interests behind that flat facade."

"That's what she needs. Someone to encourage her to do the things she likes,acknowledge who she is regardless of her illness."

A few minutes later Anne walked in the room.

"Is she sleeping?"

"Yes,Anne,"replied Veronica.

"This was a busy day for her. Thank you for helping make it go as smooth as possible."

"Of course, I wouldn't have missed Spencer's party for anything. We do love your family,"exclaimed Anna.

" Thank you," replied Anne.

"I'm a Star Wars fan myself. I think I'll go see how the guys are doing." Anna then went to the basement/ rec room.

"How is Diana doing with the medications?,"asked Anne.

"Well, she's been very lethargic still. Her psychiatrist and I aren't sure if that could be improved,but it's hard to see. We sometimes feel we are running out of options," Veronica replied.

"She tells me she has been taking her medications. But sometimes she tells me she feels her neighbor's are like Stepford Wives."

"Like, being the key word. I imagine you don't spend much time in affluent neighborhoods full of Regan supporting yuppies. It can be like high school all over again."

"So have the neighbors shunned the family?"

"Not quite,but I think they know that Diana doesn't fit their mold and I can sense they speculate about her mental illness. William wants to be social with the neighborhood, but is also concerned about being ostracized by the snobs."

"That's terrible,but let me know if the Stepford Wives becomes a delusion. I've seen it before when I had more middle class clients. It makes sense considering the background you've told me."

Everyone was grateful for the successful party,but like always,prayed for Diana's mental health.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

"Mrs. Duran gave me more Math homework for the summer. I just love equations."

"Oh Spencer, I'm going to see my psychiatrist now. Veronica will be here soon."

"Are you going to talk about an antidepressant?"

"Yes,baby", she swore he was 6 going on 16.

" I love you Mom and I want you to get better, well stable."

" I do too. I have support group too."

"That's good Mom."

After going to her appointment and support group the family had dinner and watched a rerun of Little House on the Prairie. Diana was about to fall asleep,exhausted from her long day.

" Honey, you didn't take your medication tonight",reminded William.

"Oh,thanks William." She was so tired. She knew she had done a lot that day, but it was worth it. She felt less alone every time she went to support group and felt a glimmer of hope at the psychiatrist's office today.

After Diana went to bed, William went to check on Spencer. He had many books on his bed with titles like; Someone in My Family Has Schizophrenia, Mental Illness, and Famous Crimes. Books all written at a 5th grade level.

"Spencer, regardless of how smart you are. I'd like you to read some more novels. "Crimes and mental illness are not for bedtime. You still are 6."

"But I want help people who commit crimes and I want to help Mom."

"Even adult caregivers need a break from mental illness. Lights out,little man."

"Why do you call me that?"

"You seem more like an adult than a kid with your knowledge and intelligence."

" I like being as smart as I am."

"I'm sure you do. Goodnight Spencer. I love you very much."

"I love you too Dad."

William wished Spencer could just relate to his peers a little bit better. It was nice to see him try to help Diana. He had a very good relationship with his mother. Sometimes, William felt that everyone was better helping his own wife than he was and that was difficult to feel that way. He was glad he had the family/ caregiver support to go to tomorrow.

Willam was alarmed when he heard screaming. He ran to the bedroom.

"Diana, Diana, wake up." He didn't know how she'd react to his touch,so he just called out her name.

"William,what happened was that a dream?"

"You just woke up and you are safe now, Diana."

"Oh dear God,I hope I never have a delusion like that."

"Want to talk about it?"

"That song In The Year 2525 it came true. I was in the future and it was horrible,no autonomy."

"Oh,honey. It was just a dream."

"I know where I am, it's 1987."

"That's right. Do you want to pray?"

" Yes,I should pray."

After they did, Spencer came in the room.

"Mom, I'm sorry I didn't turn that song off the radio this morning. I didn't know it would give you a nightmare,at least it wasn't,Ohio."

"Spencer, don't you ever mention that song again. My friend,dead,killed by Nixon's soldiers. I miss her. She's praying against war in heaven now."

"I'm sure she is honey. Spencer, go back to bed" William kissed his son and held his wife close.

"Mom, should I get you my Teddy?"

"Can you get me my Rosary too?"

"Ok,Mom."

William was touched by his son's kindness. That night Diana felt safe,thankful for no more nightmares. He just hoped that 4th of July with his parents coming would go well.


	9. Chapter 9

Diana was no stranger to agitation when having an episode,but now an episode of psychosis wasn't causing agitation, but the soon to be arrival of her father in law. When the doorbell rang,she almost jumped,but was glad to see her sister.

"He loves Regan and is a traditionalist Catholic who loves being Republican and doesn't empathize with the mentally ill. Help me Anne, you are my only hope."

"Who are you talking about?" Sister Anne stepped inside carrying a cooler full of salad fixings.

"My father in law doesn't like me."

"Oh, Diana. I'm sorry you feel that way."

"I want you to help tell me if it's true. What my psychiatrist and Veronica call reality testing."

" A very good idea. You told me you were using that. I'll be glad to help you."

"That's kind of why I invited you. The 4th of July can be overkill There is so much wrong with this country." Diana no longer feared the government,like she used to,but was not a fan of the current administration.

"Diana,I understand your frustration, but I'd really appreciate a proper greeting." She put the salad fixings in the fridge and turned around to face Diana.

"I'm glad to see you. How was the drive?"

"Good, see you survived the dreaded small talk. Hug?"

"Of course."

William opened the door to his office, the phone to his ear. He smiled seeing his wife and sister in law hug.

"Trial is next week at 1. I'll discuss more about where the family should meet me later. I have to go, bye."

William hung up the phone on the wall and gave his sister in law a hug.

"Hi William,how are you?"

"Doing ok, Anne and you?"

"Pretty good. Is Spencer home?"

"Spencer," William yelled.

"William, don't yell," said Diana and Anne.

Spencer came bounding down the stairs.

"Aunt Anne, I got a lot of books yesterday at the library."

"Oh,what about?"

"Einstein, the founding fathers, mental illness,famous mathematicians.."

The doorbell rang.

William opened the door to his father.

"Hi Dad, where's Mom?"

"Finishing up a conversation on the newfangled car phone with Ethel. It's a year today that DanIel passed away,as I'm sure you remember."

"We will definitely pray for her",said William about the wife of his late brother. He missed his younger brother every day.

"Diana,looks like your sister is here",said William's father,Robert.

"Yes, her name is Anne."

"That's right they keep their names now."

"Yes, many communities of sisters do. Nice to see you,Robert",greeted Anne.

"Hi,Grandpa, I went to the library and got some books on the founding fathers,yesterday."

"Good idea, Spencer."

The front door opened.

"Here I am. William,Diana, Spencer,Anne, how wonderful to see you all",exclaimed William's mother, Alice.

"So,are you doing..ok Diana?" It was over 10 years that his daughter in law had been diagnosed,but Robert never took enough time to learn much about Schizophrenia,well not as much as his wife had. He still felt very uncomfortable talking about it and didn't know how to best help.

"Well, I'm not experiencing psychosis now, but life still isn't easy."

"You still a liberal?"

"Yes."

"Robert, don't argue politics with Diana,please",said Alice.

"Can I get you all something to drink?," asked Diana relieved to play hostess,once. Anything to get away from the tension brought on by her father in law.

Here,let me help you Diana",said Alice wanting to diffuse tension.

After taking everyone's drink requests,Alice closed the kitchen door.

"I know you need a low key environment. Unlike Robert,I've read a lot about how to best help those with your illness."

"Have you heard of reality testing?"

"I have,do you find it helpful?"

Yes,dones Robert hate me?"

"He is afraid of mental illness,but that's because he's hardly educated himself. He does wish you shared his politics and were not a feminist, but in his own way he cares. He doesn't know how slow and unpredictable recovery can be,or understand that nobody is pampering you, but giving you help when it's really needed."

"Thank you, that makes sense."

"I'll get the beers,you pour the lemonades?"

"Sure,what dessert did you bring?"

"Ice cream and fudge sauce."

"I'm so glad you are not the stereotypical mother in law. I really like you."

I love you and enjoy being with you my dear."

"Really?"

"Really,hug?"

"Please."

Diana missed her mother in that moment. Her mother left when Diana was in college.

After the company had received their drinks,Robert said," William, how about you and I catch up,it's been a while.

"Grandpa, can we play a dice game?",asked Spencer

"Sure,Spencer."

" No giving lectures on probability to grandpa."

"But, Dad, that's the best part,"whined Spencer.

The ladies spent some time in the living room.

"Remember,when we were kids and I used to hate not being able to talk with the men at family gatherings,about politics?" Asked Anne.

"Yes, and look at us now. We don't need to gossip though," said Diana.

"I remember the looks I got when I suggested the ladies talk politics,once. I think they thought I was a radical,"said Alice.

"Ha, up until I encouraged you to read The Feminine Mystique, you liked Phyllis Schlafly," exclaimed Diana.

" Before you started grad school and spent a lot of time at the house,your arguments were great food for thought. You taught this traditional housewife to expand her point of view. I call myself a moderate now. What was radical was that women should even talk politics."

"Very true," stated Anne.

Soon the ladies heard a commotion from downstairs.

"William Arthur Reid,this is all your fault. Why did you marry that crazy feminist?"

"Grandpa,Mom loves the Eucharist, I just don't believe in the Real Presence."

" You are 6 Spencer,you are supposed to believe whatever your parents say."

"Grandpa, Mom can hear you."

"It's for her own good."

"Dad,you don't know what you are talking about."

"Yes, I do. My grandchild must receive all the sacraments."

"Shut up you stupid old man, I pray for my son every night. I can hear you." Diana started yelling down the stairs.

"Oh,Diana, honey." William came rushing up the stairs and held his weeping wife.

"Robert,you ought to be ashamed. Do you want her in the hospital again?" Alice was fuming.

"Let's go,Alice,I don't want to be here right now."

"I'm staying with Diana."

"Fine, find your own way back to Ohio."

"I will. I'll also pray that you'll stop being so stubborn," yelled Alice.

Robert left slamming the door.

"I told you he hates me," exclaimed Diana.

"He'll come to his senses",said Alice. A similar thing happened when he discovered she was reading The Feminine Mystique. He came back the next morning.

"Diana, how do feel?" Asked Anne.

"Like I want tell Robert, I'm not some atheist, who is brainwashing Spencer into not believing in the Real Presence."

"That's very articulate, Diana. I want you to tell me what emotions you are feeling."

"Very sad,mad and confused. Call Veronica. I want her."

All the festivities of the 4th were forgotten as Diana cried herself to sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

" Mommy, are you hungry?" Asked Spencer who had walked in his parents room,where Diana had cried herself to sleep.

"Is it morning in America again?"

"It's time for dinner."

"Good,I'm hungry. Can you get my bathrobe, baby?"

"Ok,you know you slept for 3 hours?"

"Oh,who is all here?"

"Everyone except Grandpa. Veronica is here."

"Good."

Upon entering the dining room,everyone was relieved to see Diana up.

"Honey,how do you feel?" asked William.

"Groggy and hungry."

"Then let's eat."

"Mom, are you mad at me?"

"No Spencer, I just want to eat dinner." She ate her dinner in silence, but when she was ready for dessert, some questions came again.

"Can we talk about what you need and want after dinner," asked her sister, Sr. Anne.

"I guess."

"I'm so sorry about Robert, dear", said Alice.

"It's not your fault. You like me. I still trust you. Save some ice cream?"

"Of course."

"I'm glad you ate something ,honey,"said William.

"Mom,you want to read tonight?"asked Spencer.

" I don't know. I don't want to feel depressed anymore. I want Schizophrenia to disappear."

"Diana,have you and William been keeping track of your symptoms and medication side effects,?" asked Veronica.

"Yes. I am not as paranoid as I used to be, but when I'm stable I feel so depressed. Robert sure didn't help anything."

" Do you want to harm yourself,Diana?," asked Veronica.

"No, I don't want to have another episode though."

" I understand my dear. We all want to help you. I'm going to clear the table now," said Alice.

" Would you like to talk about how we can best help you?"asked Anne.

"Yes."

"All right then. Let's go to the living room," said Anne.

Diana went with ice cream in hand. Might as well find joy in something sweet. It was hard to find much joy these days.

"Spencer, go play Nintendo or something,"said William.

"But I care about Mom's treatment."

"Just because you are 6 and in 5th grade, does not mean you can always talk with the adults,Spencer."

"Ok, Dad." Spencer went to the finished basement to play Nintendo.

"So Diana, how have you been feeling?," asked Veronica.

"Depressed ever since before the antidepressant and after my last episode,last year. It's not flat affect. I remember better days. I want the old days back and insults make me feel worse."

"Honey, right now you are doing a wonderful job expressing how you feel. I've never seen you have so much insight of your illness," said William.

"He's right. Do you trust your psychiatrist now?,asked Veronica.

"Yes, I do."

" Do you think you need to talk to her soon?"

" I think I have an appointment next week."

" Yes, you do. Veronica, I have court that day, could you go?," asked William.

"When is it?"

"Wednesday at 1."

"I'm free then. Now remember to call me whenever you need me," said Veronica.

"I know," said Diana.

"You have my numbers?," asked Anne.

"And mine?," asked Alice.

William and Diana nodded.

" Anything else honey?,asked William.

"Well, I miss having an urge for, you know," embarrassed to talk about sex in front of her mother in law and a nun.

"Oh Diana, marriage is a wonderful vocation. After all the love of a man and woman is holy too. You definitely should bring this up with your psychiatrist. A lower dosage of the antipsychotic medication may help with that," advised Anne.

"Oh, speaking of that, Golden Girls should be on. Maybe you can get some tips from Blanche," joked Alice.

"Mother, if Dad was here.."

"He'd probably have a heart attack."

"Sometimes it's hard to follow a sitcom, but I like Dorothy," said Diana

"You are as smart and witty as she is. You were like Maude too, my dear," said William of a feminist character played by the same actress in the 70's.

After Spencer had gone to bed, they watched Golden Girls and Diana smiled a few times at the witty remarks she caught.


	11. Chapter 11

The alarm clock went off and Diana felt like smashing it. She was exhausted.

"Why do I feel so tired?,"asked Diana.

"We had a late night last night. You said you felt like a Catholic rebel," said William due to the fact they were using birth control.

"Oh my gosh,we were.. together.. Intimately, Oh that wasn't a dream? I think I was happy."

"You were happy, least little Spencer didn't walk in quoting statistics about how many Catholic women disagree with the church on birth control and how they are actually the majority of Catholic women."

"He didn't walk in did he? He didn't learn about all that last year,we withheld our 6 year old 5th grader from that, right?"

"Yes we did. No,he did not come in. No birds and the bees class this year."

"Oh thank goodness! I know I need to keep my routine and should have breakfast and my medication soon. But I'm tired."

"How about breakfast in bed,just this once."

"Can you get me those round waffles you put in the toaster and strawberries?"

"Sure, honey."

"This is a nice change." Diana tried to focus enough to read a few short articles in the newspaper while William made breakfast.

"Here you go, Princess Di." William entered carrying a tray of waffles and strawberries.

"Oh stop teasing me. I worry about her,you know."

"Who?"

"Princess Diana. She seems very unhappy. But her mother in law probably cares more about corgis than stopping stigma."

"My Grandma Worthington would be appalled and my law school classmate who moved here from London would say, bloody hell."

"Well, my own mother was so ashamed of my own mother,but they didn't know as much, back then. Your mother is wonderful."

" Yes, she is. But let's make sure everything is going well in this family, before we start worrying about the Royal Family."

" I suppose that makes sense."

"Good. I'm going to get my waffles now."

Diana looked confused a minute later.

"What did you do to your waffles?"

"Put peanut butter on them."

"Oh.. Can I try?"

"Sure."

After a bite she said," It's not that bad."

"That's how Spencer likes them."

"Oh.. Really? Am I a bad mother for not noticing?"

"No, Diana. It's all right. Do you care who showers first?"

"Go ahead."

Diana head a knock at the door.

"Spencer?"

"Mom, can I have coffee?"

"When you are 14. Come here,baby."

"Hey, you ate in bed. No fair. Want me to get the dishes?"

"Sure,honey."

" Can I go to Jeff's house?"

"Not until your room is picked up."

"Don't forget your laundry, Mom."

"Oh Spencer, you don't have to take care of me. That's not your job."

" I want to help you recover."

" I want you to have fun."

"Bye,Mom."

"William, should Spencer go to a support group for kids?"

"What?," said William emerging from the bathroom.

" He thinks he needs to take care of me."

"I'll ask Veronica to talk to him."

"Thanks, honey."

"He reminded me to do laundry and I reminded him to do his room."

"Good honey,don't hesitate to tell me if you are overstimulated."

" I love you." She embraced her husband feeling safe.

"I love you too. I heard Spencer ask for coffee."

"You think I should let him have my decaf?"

" I don't think it's necessary. I'll make coffee."

"See you soon." Diana began to get ready for her day and then sat with William drinking her decaf.

"Does this outfit make me look like Margaret Thatcher?"

"Kind of,but she does dress nice,you know. You have makeup on today. Very nice" William remembered reading that any change deserves praise. Although he sometimes secretly wished that his wife's recovery was faster and more linear.

"Thank you. Today we do our chores, play with Spencer and go to our support groups, have Veronica over for dinner. Do I really look nice with makeup?"

"Yes, do you want to pick up the cheeseburgers with me in Paradise?" William said, referring to the Vegas suburb.

"Don't sing the song now. Ask me later to decide." She thought the Jimmy Buffet song Cheeseburgers in Paradise did not need to be sung every month went they did their once a month fast food run at a place they liked,in Paradise.

"Ok,sounds good."

Weekends were exhausting for William, since Diana's recovery from her episode last year seemed to be going slow as usual,but he enjoyed spending time with Diana and got by with help from their friends and family. He accepted the fact that Diana didn't do as much housework as his Dad would have liked. Every time his Dad asked about if she was being a "good housewife" he told her they were a team and she did what she could when she could. He prayed for his Dad to stop being a stubourn man every day.


	12. Chapter 12

After putting Spencer to bed, William and Diana were enjoying the Vegas fall weather while having drinks outside.

"Diana, do you have any interest in adding something to your routine when Spencer goes back to school?"

"Oh, I don't know. I'll miss him, but I have Veronica. I'm afraid to do a lot more."

"What about one more thing. You don't have to, just a suggestion."

"Well,sometimes I feel like something more, but I don't know."

"What do you like to do?"

" Sing, listen to music, be with friends, read or be read to and sometimes I write. Be read to, isn't that silly? I have a PhD."

" I don't think it's silly. It's an accommodation for bad concentration."

"Why are you asking me questions? Am I not good enough?"

" I just don't want you to get too bored or start relapsing."

" You love me just the way I am?"

"Yes, I do. Because I love you, I want you to be healthy as you can and as happy as you can be."

"You just wish that was easier don't you?"

"I do, but I accept things for the way they are."

"That's very noble of you. Enough talk. I want to cuddle. I feel so safe with you."

"Let me know when you are ever ready to talk about adding something new to your day."

So they went in the living room and Diana felt loved as she laid her head on William's lap. Then the phone rang.

"I'll get it Diana," said William.

He picked up the phone.

"Hello,yes this is he. Walter!, yes, she's currently at home."

"It's your father," William mouthed.

Diana didn't know what to do. He hadn't seen or talked to Diana since 1975 and it was now 1987.

"Dad.."

"William said you were home now. Your grandmother never lived at home."

"Grandma was hospitalized in 1930. She didn't get medication that helped her function better till the 60's. You haven't been reading any educational materials have you?"

"I've called to tell you your mother died,Diana. Anne found out, but I wanted to tell you."

"Oh, this is just so much."

"The priest won't give her a Catholic funeral. So you don't have to come to anything."

" Oh poor Mom and that stupid cult."

"I'm glad you didn't join a cult. I want to come to visit you all."

"Oh, could you talk to William?"

"Sure."

Diana ran to the bedroom and pounded her pillows. It was almost as if her Dad knew what could send her into a relapse. She was afraid and cried. Who did her Dad think he was, treating her in such a condescending matter, assuming she spent most of her time in the hospital. It really hurt. Had he read the Christmas cards? Did he know he had a grandson? And her mother, whom she hadn't seen since her junior year of college, gone, without a funeral.

A few minutes later William came into the bedroom.

"What can I do Diana?"

"Tell me, he's not coming."

" I told him that it's important he remain calm and not argue if he wants to visit."

" I don't think I can take more than an hour."

" I'm not sure I could too. He wants to meet Spencer."

" Maybe we tell him he could visit for 5 minutes."

" We don't have to invite him here."

"How about that small park we like?"

"How about we let Spencer play there and have lunch there."

"Sounds good. When is it?"

"Next Saturday."

"Oh, dear. I'm afraid. He never liked me for the views I held when I went away to college and he's critical,like your father. My own father may cause a relapse."

"I'll send some information to him about how to best interact to prevent any stress."

"We can only pray he reads it. I'm going to get ready for bed now."

" Don't forget your evening Meds."

Diana sighed. The side effects could be unpleasant but it was better than being terrified and having an episode. She fell asleep that night praying, Jesus, I trust in you.


	13. Chapter 13

"Are you ready to go?," asked William of Diana before heading to the park to meet her father.

"Mentally,physically or spiritually?," responded Diana.

" Remember the signal for if it gets too overwhelming?"

" I hope I don't squeeze your hand so hard it breaks. I'm really anxious."

"Just like that gentle squeeze we give to each other after praying together."

Just then Spencer came in the living room.

" Why doesn't Grandpa McCoy like the family?"

"We are different than him. Change scares him. I think mental illnesses scares him. He's very stubborn. At least that's what your aunt thinks and she's the psychiatrist," said Diana.

" Sounds like Grandpa Reid."

" He kind of is Spencer, now you give the adults some space,ok?" William had a feeling his father in law would not find his grandson's monologues about his knowlege cute.

"Ok, I was reading about cults and sects and I think Grandma was a sedevacantist."

"What?" Exclaimed William.

"Anne told me that once. It means they don't believe the pope is a valid one." Diana explained.

"Is Aunt Anne coming?"

"Yes, thank goodness." Diana felt very comfortable with both her sister and husband at the soon to be father and daughter reunion.

"I'm glad she's moved to Vegas. If you ever have to go to the hospital again she'll be working there."

"Come on,little man, let's go." William found his son's concern endearing, but knew Diana didn't need to hear it right now.

When they got to the park, Diana felt like clinging to her sister for dear life.

"All you holy men and women pray for us,"said William,Diana and Anne in unison.

As a car pulled up and Diana caught a glimpse of her now older looking father she said a quick silent prayer.

" Hello everyone. I've never had a picnic in the desert before. You all look well."

"Thanks Dad. You too," said Anne.

"You look good in the veil, Sister Anne."

"I wore it just for you, Dad."

"You should wear it more, like that Mother Angelica on that Catholic TV channel. Diana, I'm surprised to see you out. You look nice too."

" I try to leave the house every day. This is your grandson,Spencer." Who did he think she was, Bertha Rochester from Jane Eyre, hiding in the attic for all these years? He had definitely not been reading family educational materials.

"Hello Grandpa McCoy. It's nice to meet you. I'm 6 years old and going into 6th grade."

"Wow,smart kid."

"Well, let's find a picnic table. I hear the recipe is Rita's chicken salad sandwich one," said William.

"You cook, Diana?"

"Mostly from boxes, Spencer and William work with me."

"You are teaching your son to cook?"

"Yes."

"Oh, I don't know if that's a good idea."

"You cooked,Dad."

"Only because I had to after your Mother left."

"Mom got me this book that talks about a boy who wants a doll and she says if I ever wanted an easy bake oven she'd get me one," declared Spencer.

"Oh? That sounds like she hasn't changed. You allow this William?"

" My wife is her own person. Do not talk about her, like she isn't here. She can teach Spencer what she wants. She doesn't handle stress well,you know."

" How's life,Dad? Still active in the parish?,"asked Anne.

"Yes, I'm glad we still have a traditional choir. I'm the head of our Knights of Columbus chapter."

"Glad you are doing what you like, Dad."

"How many times can you leave to visit Anne?"

"I'm living in Las Vegas now,working at the psychiatric unit of the Catholic hospital."

"Oh,how long have you been out of the hospital, Diana?"

"A whole year, a little over a year actually."

"Oh,wow. That's impressive. So Meds really work,huh?"

" I don't have delusions or hallucinations at the moment."

"Well that's good and sounds like you can do your household duties, with some help."

"Our household duties, Walter. Why did you decide to come to Vegas?,asked William.

"Well I figured I should meet my grandson and see my daughters."

"I'm right here Dad. I am more than my illness and a housewife. Why are you assessing me?"

" What do you mean, you don't have a job do you?"

" I have friends and a support group. Not to mention a PhD."

" Friends who aren't sick, that's very kind of them."

Diana tried to give William a gentle squeeze,but it was enough to make him grimace.

"Dad, you are being very insensitive. Diana's self esteem is very fragile. She's come such a long way. I wrote a book about how to live with and support family members with Schizophrenia and gave you a copy. Helping those with mental illness is what God has called me to do as a Catholic Sister," declared Anne.

"This is just so new to me."

"Then please educate yourself."

" All I wanted was to have a wife who'd always be with me and a good Catholic family."

"I will not be a perfect Catholic Stepford Wife. You can't make me. The bishops can't make me. I am woman,hear me roar. I also want you to say, my daughter has Schizophrenia and I accept her for who she is," Diana declared.

"You aren't a robot,that's just a movie," said Walter.

"Mom says it's a metaphor for how the church views women," declared Spencer.

Anne gave Spencer his Rubik's cube and whispered to him that he should take it and his water bottle to the playground.

"Oh boy, Diana. I don't know much about your illness or you,except you were just like you were in college and I pray for you every day."

" And you are still a bit like Archie Bunker and Ward Cleaver and I don't want to talk anymore. Your actions here may send me to the hospital in a month or so. You are so clueless, insensitive and stuck in the 50's. Take your sainted wife's chicken salad with you and stop being so negative."

" Diana,I'm your father,you are supposed to respect me."

"Do you love me?"

"Yes,that's why I want to help you and your sister. I think you need to go to confession and stop disrespecting the Church."

"That's a twisted way to show love. I'm going to go vomit, I can't take this anymore."

"William, talk some sense into her."

"You just communicated with my wife in a way that is not only rude, but is straight out of a list of how not to treat those with Schizophrenia."

" I thought you were a level headed conservative,William. We must preserve gender roles."

" Your daughter is about to vomit, do not follow us to the restroom." William began to run to the park's restroom with Diana. He rubbed soothing circles on her back, and washed her face,before gently leading her to the car.

Anne gathered Spencer and off they went back home.

Once home, Diana changed into her nightgown and laid in bed. William sat in a chair beside the bed and Spencer laid besides his mother. Anne came in carrying in a small container containing a consecrated host.

"Don't tell Dad, he thinks being a feminist is a mortal sin. Give me Jesus. I'm so glad you are a Eucharistic Minister." One of her favorite things about being Catholic, was receiving the Eucharist from the laity.

" The body of Christ,"

"Amen."

A sense of peace washed over her and summoned everyone in for a group hug.

"Mom, you aren't agitated any more. Did you take a prescribed as needed anxiety pill?"

"No, honey. It's my belief in the real presence and my family,that make me feel at peace."


	14. Chapter 14

Diana was sitting in her psychiatrist's office trying to comprehend what she was saying.

"So I have to chose between experiencing pleasure in the bedroom or the possibility of having an episode?"

"Well,I can't predict what your urges will be like,but if you increase what you are on now, that may happen."

"It's those darn negative symptoms I hate never want to go away,but I've been more agitated since the stupid father/ daughter reunion. I'm so afraid of relapse. Right now I intellectually know nobody is coming after me,but I'm restless and can't stop thinking about how much my Dad hates me. He says he loves me, but I'm confused."

" The family and I have been using reality testing a lot more. She's been wondering if she's good enough," said Veronica.

"I still miss mother too. She loved us, she really did,but she needed to be with people who were like her."

"In the sect you mean?," asked Dr. Wilson.

"Yes."

"Grief is a powerful thing. It's very natural and normal. However, if you ever feel suicidal,tell someone right away. How's the CBT going?"

"It helps, I trust her. She seems to understand me well and helps me see things other ways,but sometimes I feel my brain doesn't want to listen."

"What do you mean?"

"The irrational side wants to take over."

"You have an incredibly perceptive insight,right now. I think increasing your medication, continuing to have structure, support and continuing with the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, would be the best course. Do you agree?"

"Yes and believe me, I will tell you about unpleasant side effects."

"Good,remember I can't try to help,if I don't know what is wrong."

After stopping at the pharmacy to pick up her medications, Diana went with Veronica to pick up Spencer from school.

"What did you learn in school today, dear little boy of mine?,"sang Diana.

" Well, we are reading a book that looks like it will be interesting in English, and Math and Science seem like they will be interesting too. I can't wait till we get to the Middle Ages in Social Studies." The Pete Seeger lyrics that his mom sung went straight over his head.

"Are the kids nice to you?"

"They call me 4 eyes and Rain Man, I think the Rain Man comment isn't because they think the character is amazing."

"Spencer, I'm sorry to hear that. If you ever need to talk, I'll see what child psychologist your dad's insurance covers. If it's something you want,"offered Veronica.

Spencer wasn't quite sure what he thought of that.

" That's such a sweet movie. Kids can be cruel. I'm so sorry,baby", said Diana.

"Were you ever teased in school,Mom?"

" I was. They called me a bookworm, Sister's favorite and teased me because I liked Opera instead of Rock 'N Roll. But Sister Mary Claire was always there to talk. When I was upset or confused I always went to her."

" You have a few people you can talk to, Mrs. Duran, Mrs. Schmitt," suggested Veronica.

"And my friend Jeff. Mom can I have a Pop Tart when I get home?"

"Only healthy snacks after school. Junk on the weekend."

"This book we are reading in English is about this family that drank this water from a spring, and the water made them stay literally forever young and never die."

"Interesting, I'd hate that though. I'd much rather go to Jesus."

"Not how Mom,right?"

"Of course not, Spencer!" Well, looks like your Dad isn't home,yet. One TV show,then homework,Spencer."

" Want me to fix a snack for you too,Mom?"

"Sure, then I'm taking a nap."

"Anybody want to come to the library with me after dinner?,"asked Veronica

"Me! Sleep well, Mom."

"Diana?"

"You know I like to go to the university library,not the public."

" Anybody want me to get some ice cream after I go shopping?"

" With Health bars,please. One of life's simple pleasures," declared Diana.

An hour later, William grateful that the ice cream shop was close enough that it could survive a ride in the desert in a cooler, also had ice cream.

" Great minds think alike," he declared.

"Dad, what's for dinner?"

"Pasta with pesto."

"Yum!"

"How was your appointment, Diana?"

"Here are the notes Veronica took. We can talk after dinner." Diana was staring at the floor.

William read them and understood his wife's reaction.

"Oh,ok,yes we can talk after dinner."

"After Spencer left for the library, William and Diana had a talk.

" I read the notes, Diana."

"I'm sorry, William, so sorry."

" Oh, Diana. Don't be sorry. You understand you are sick and you want more help. You want to prevent a relapse."

"But, I may not be able to…"

"Oh Diana, what happened to the feminist I know, who tells me a wife is worth more than her ability to have sex?"

"I'm mourning the possibility,aren't you?"

"It doesn't make me love you any less."

"Oh,thank goodness! William, I want to say goodbye to Mom. Will you come to Wisconsin with me?"

"I'd love to. I think it would be therapeutic. Do you think they will let you visit the grave?"

"Yes, Anne used to visit her, but the only thing my mother wanted was to convert her."

"Do you want Spencer to come?"

"You, I and Anne."

"Sounds like we've decided where to go on vacation,this fall. Are you sure you don't want to bring Spencer, we could stop at Wisconsin Dells?"

"He's so beyond that. Could you see me in that tourist trap? Just you and me."

" Want to visit your Mom's family?"

"Madison would be out of the way. Driving over 1000 miles is already enough. You know I hate flying."

"Ok. Want to pick a date now?"

"I want to watch Golden Girls and sleep."

"Sounds like a plan."

They prayed that night for a successful road trip and no relapse.


	15. Chapter 15

"Wow,you drove to the state border,great honey," exclaimed William, who hadn't seen Diana drive long distance in a while.

"That was a very wise idea to drive this early with light traffic Diana," said Anne.

"That's all I can take for now."

"Well, let's find a place for breakfast, then."

They stopped at a local diner, they would much rather support a local place than a pancake chain.

After the waitress took their orders Diana said to William," I'm going to take a nap when we get back on the road. Don't sing that Arizona song."

"As Spencer would say, I'm not sure what rainbow shades are, or who would name their kid Arizona."

" I hope he's not too upset that he can't come."

"Oh, I think he's probably wondering about you, as always. Poor kid," said Anne.

" I used to worry about Grandma. And then about Mom."

"She was happy. Mad at the family for not joining,but happy."

"You told me this place had a gift shop,she used to work at?," asked Diana.

"Yes,she was very happy trying to convert every curious tourist who came through,and making rosaries."

"I'm glad she died happy."

"So am I. I think this trip will be good for all of us."

When Diana got her strawberry waffles,she whispered to Anne," Mom's were better."

A few minutes later, they were in the car where William sang,"On the road again, I just can't wait to get on the road again. Those are the only words I know, but I can't wait to get on the road again."

"Do I have to call you Willie now?"

"Very funny,Diana."

"Some of those country singers have good lyrics. I don't live under a rock."

"Of course you don't. I'll let you enjoy your nap."

A few hours later, Diana woke up and asked,"Where are we?"

"Entering a little town called Beaver,Utah. I thought we could stretch our legs and perhaps grab a snack," said William.

"Good idea," said Diana.

A few minutes later, Diana left the gas station with a travel mug full of coffee and said," Leave it to Beaver to have nice gas station restrooms."

"Was that a pun intended, Leave it to Beaver?," asked William.

"Oh, I know what you mean now. I didn't think so,but that is funny. Let's sing we we get in the car."

So they sang and played a few games until they stopped for lunch not too far into Colorado.

"Where are we staying tonight,William?," asked Diana.

"On the outskirts of Denver."

"A reputable chain?"

"Best Western."

"Good."

By the time they were just outside of Breckenridge, Diana quickly put up her seat and took off her headphones and unplugged them from the Walkman.

"Diana, are you alright?,asked Anne who was now driving.

"I just remembered Golden Girls is on tonight."

"Oh, that's all? Your movement was so abrupt."

"Oh, I'm sorry if I scared you."

"It's ok. William is sleeping now, and we will be to Denver soon."

" I should call Spencer when we get to the hotel."

"Yes, you should."

"After dropping her suitcase, Diana ran to the phone and called Spencer.

"Veronica, how is Spencer?"

" Well he was just praying,saying I'm pretty sure you exist and prayer might work,but be with everyone as they get to visit grandma's grave. Help them deal with their emotions."

"That sounds like my Spencer."

"Hi Mom, you are a hour ahead of us. It's 8 there. Are you in Denver?"

"Yes, we are. I know about the time zones, but it's nice of you to tell me. Was school ok?"

"Learning was, but I don't really understand 11 year olds."

"It's a tough time for kids."

"When I'm their age I'll be in high school."

"Also very hard. I'm very tired, just wanted to say hi."

"Ok, I hope you have a very nice road trip. I've always wanted to see where Grandma lived."

"You will, some day honey. Would you like to talk to your Dad?"

"Yes,please."

After Diana got off the phone she decided to forget about Golden Girls and get ready for bed right away. She knew tomorrow would be another long day.

"Anne, I don't want you to think I'm always spoiled,but could you get me my medications? I'm fighting off sleep and don't have the energy to move."

"Perfectly understandable."

"Thanks."

After taking her medications,Diana fell asleep quickly.

Willam soon came to bed too, kissing his sleeping wife on the forehead.

"Thanks for driving out with us,Anne."

" My pleasure. See you tomorrow." She went into her room next door, got ready for bed and said a prayer of thanks, for a successful day.


	16. Chapter 16

The next morning, Anne went to an Italian Deli recommended by her colleague who used to live in Denver. They were eating at a rest stop just outside of Lincoln Nebraska.

"Just like Mom used to make isn't it Diana?"

"Yes,it really is." Diana was eating a salami sandwich on Italian bread,something she hadn't had in years.

"I bought dessert too", said Anne.

As Anne got the dessert out of the cooler, Diana gasped, surprised to see tiramisu.

"Oh my!"

" My colleague makes it sound as good as Mom's"

After savoring the dessert, they were soon on the road again. Diana soon fell asleep, full from her delicious meal,while Anne and William played a favorite car game, guess the famous person, it was like 21 questions without a limit of questions. When Diana woke up, they were playing another Reid family favorite car game, the minister's cat. This game was an alphabet game where players would use a word beginning with a letter to describe the fictional cat.

"X, oh my, why did I have to get stuck with this one. The minister's cat is a xenophobic cat,"said Anne.

Diana stirred, it always took her a while to wake up fully.

"Margaret Thatcher has a xenophobic cat? What?,"asked Diana.

Anne chucked. "We were playing an alphabet game,Diana. I had x."

"Oh,yes.. I remember that now. Where are we?"

"Just entered Iowa",said William.

" Oh,we sure are getting closer."

An hour later after listening to the cassette tape, music in the era of Don Quixote, Diana took of her headset to hear William singing Love Shack.

"Bang bang, on the door baby."

She wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"You aren't a teenager anymore."

"Oh, just having some fun honey," replied William.

" Looks like we need to gas up. I can drive after we stop, William," offered Anne.

"Thanks, Anne."

" I'm craving some cream soda,right now",declared Diana.

" You know, what would be even better,a root beer float",said Anne.

The rest of the car agreed and soon they were enjoy root beer floats, sitting outside of the ice cream shop, after stopping at the gas station.

"Do you mind that I'm not wearing make up?," asked Diana of William.

"No, not at all, honey."

"Mom always wore makeup, pearls, high heels and a nice dress,even when vacuuming."

"Well, you aren't your mother and that's ok. You will never have to be seen as Mrs William Reid, but always Dr. Diana Reid, more at home in a university library than a kitchen and that's ok. Some tactics feminists used were too radical for me, but you don't have to be like your mother. Even a moderate Republican can see a wife as his equal."William replied.

"He's right,Mom still loved her daughters and William still loves you, and of course the Lord does," said Anne before taking another sip of her root beer float and thanking God for her brother in law.

"Those people at the shrine are they rude?," asked Diana about the people who belonged to the sect with her late mother.

"I don't let them get to me. They can be judgmental and believe everything their late leader told them, but I just agree to disagree. Don't worry, besides we are only in Des Moines. We have to go through your favorite singer's home state first," said Anne.

" Oh, mother hated him so. Remember?"

"Oh yes, she was so afraid you'd become a hippie,when you started singing Bob Dylan and strumming that guitar."

"Well, I turned out ok, even if I'm not who mother wanted me to be."

"You are fine, Diana, just fine. You have your struggles,but I still am here for the young lady I married,said William.

"Oh, William, thank you."

"Of course, dear. Ready to continue our journey?"

A few hours later they stopped at a locally owned restaurant and had a quiet supper. They spent the evening in Albert Lea Minnesota. On the way to the hotel, Raspberry Beret came on. William began to sing about his first encounter with Diana,to the tune of Raspberry Beret.

"She wore a white mantilla, the kind you find at your grandma's house. White mantilla,I think I love her."

"That's very clever William," said Anne.

"Were you singing about when we met at the high school graduation Mass?" Asked Diana.

"Yes, I was," replied William.

Like the night before, Diana called home. Spencer had been reading about the states his parents had gone through and began to rattle off information he had read.

"Oh Spencer, you are such a smart boy,"said Diana,who,felt half awake.

"Thanks Mom, on my last IQ test…"

"Spencer,you aren't a number, you are more than that. You are talking so much and I'm tired."

"Is it too much for you to process?"

"Yes,if my brain had an off switch,I'd use it now. Would you like to talk to your Dad?"

After handing the phone to William, Diana went to pray with Anne, hoping the visit to their mother's grave would be something they both could handle.


	17. Chapter 17

As they were approaching Wisconsin,Diana heard William whistle a vaguely familiar tune. After crossing the state line, he sang, When you say Wisconsin, you've said it all.

"Was that a marching band song?,asked Diana referring to the UW Madison marching band.

"It is. Surprised you recognized it as you spent most football games as a grad student in your office in Van Hise."

" I went to one or two. I abhorred the students drunk. Do you think my life would have been better if I got help while in Wisconsin, why didn't Veronica take me to a psychiatrist in Madison?"

"I heard they are pushing early intervention,now. Nobody can predict what would have happened. I'm just glad you got help when you did,"William replied.

"My mother used to wonder if there was a correlation between feminism and mental illness."

" Diana,don't you ever think it was anything you did that caused any of this."

"I sometimes wish your mother was mine. But now, mine is dead in some stupid Marian,anti communist, apocalyptic cult cemetery, because she took the readings of a power hungry and possibly mentally ill woman to heart."

"Diana, it pains me too, the choice Mom made. God still loves her. I'm sure she's with Jesus now," said Anne.

"That's a comforting thought."

"You ladies ready for lunch?,asked William.

"There is a non chain burger restaurant, I've been to when visiting the motherhouse. It's delicious and their shakes are wonderful,"sad Anne about a place she went when visiting her order's motherhouse or headquarters in LaCrosse.

They were enjoying their delicious meal,when a Sister who Anne knew in her younger years approached them.

"Sister Anne Mccoy, I haven't seen you since our graduate school days at Marquette."

"Sister Mary Mulligan,still practicing psychiatry.?"

"I'm at the hospital here now,you?"

"In Las Vegas to be close to my sister and family."

"I'm her sister,Diana, who has the misfortune of having Schizophrenia. I am very proud however that I have a PhD in Medieval English Literature. I hope I don't have to see you in a professional capacity before this trip is over. If you weren't a psychiatrist,I'd give a more proper greeting."

Sister Mary smiled,"it's nice to meet you Diana. What brings you to Wisconsin?"

"Mom's dead and I want to say my goodbyes. I'm nervous though."

"Perfectly understandable, Needah,right,she's from the group with the shrine there?"

" Yes."

" I'm sorry for your family's loss. I remember when she left your family,Anne's first year of grad school. I pray for a good closure for you all."

"I'm Diana's husband,William Reid."

"Nice to meet you. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a criminal defense attorney. Most of my clients have a cognitive disability or mental illness."

"How noble of you. I pray you have a blessed trip. Nice to meet all of you. Don't be afraid, Diana. You are in good hands with your family. I'll be praying for you and I'm sure your family, Mary and all the saints will help you,especially if things do take a turn for the worse."

After finishing their lunch Anne asked Diana, " Are you worried about a relapse. Your comment to my friend about seeing her in a professional capacity wasn't expected."

"Wasn't expected, don't you know I'm afraid?"

"I think you are experiencing are more typical feelings for the first time in a while. You are nervous for a reason that even people without your symptoms are, not agitated because of delusion only you believe. Does this make sense?

"Yes. Are you nervous too?,"

"A bit, but I've seen Mom, forgave her and listened to the sect members attempt to convince me of their beliefs. I just kept calm,carried on. Although it was painful at times."

"We will survive."

"Yes, Diana,we will,said Anne.

When they got off the exit to the shrine Anne said to William and Diana," The actual shrine is very cheesy, so is the gift shop. I've told a follower of the group that we will be there to see Mom's grave. She's going to meet us outside of the gift shop."

"Did she like Mom?"

"Very much,she's pushy and thinks I'm the heretic."

"Oh dear, St. Jude,help."

" Well,here we are," said Anne.

Diana clutched her medals and said a silent prayer as she approached the shrine,she knew she could survive.

As they walked up to a small building, Diana saw a woman around 50,dressed in a floral print dress and huge shoulder kind of reminded Diana her mother,minus the pearls and high heels.

"Hello, Anne. I hope you and your family leave today more convinced of the truth."

"Hello Julia, I know you think it's the truth, but we don't think so. Our plan today is to say goodbye to mom," Anne explained.

Soon a teenager with red curly and a long skirt appeared.

"Monica,thanks for tending to the visitor center and gift shop as I help your siblings with school work."

"No problem,Mom. Are these Rita's relatives?"

"Her daughters and son in law,right sir?"

"Yes," replied William.

"Your Mom did a lot of work with our home for unwanted infants. I volunteer there. It's so fun to work with the babies," said Monica.

After thinking about what a typical snobby popular girl she seemed to be, the name home for unwanted infants hit Diana like a ton of bricks.

" Anne, you never told me, home for unwanted infants? That is what you said Monica?"

"Of course it's what I said. Well, I better get going, we have some new pro life rosaries that came in. I can't wait to put them up!"

"Could I please see Mom's grave?,"asked Diana.

"Of course, but don't forget to stop at the shrine and pick up the books of revelations from Our Lady at the gift shop," said Julia.

"Our mom's grave,please,"said Anne.

" Of course." Julia then hurried back to her home after leading the family to the grave.

As Diana sat down,placing some flowers, she began to cry.

"I miss you Mom. As traditional as you were I loved you. I never understood why you abandoned us. Why oh,oh why oh, did you ever leave Ohio? Now you better come home to Jesus. Now it's time to go home."

The last phrases were sung and were based on the song Ohio,from a musical that her mom had a record to,when Diana was growing up. As Diana rose, a younger lady who had knelt at the grave next to her remarked," You have a beautiful voice. Were you related to Rita?"

"She's my mother. I hope I don't sound rude, but you don't seem like one of the group."

The young lady chuckled.

"I'm not actually, I left after I graduated high school. I'm here to put flowers on my mom's mother was furious about the direction you and your sister were heading,but it sounded fascinating to me. I like your shirt."

Diana looked at her shirt that said, Mental illness is real and education is important.

"You do? I usually don't get many compliments."

" I understand,Theresa Mullins," she said extending her hand.

"Diana Reid. This is my husband William and my sister,Anne."

" I was going to go to Mass in town. Want to come? We can grab dinner after."

"That sounds nice. Have you been to the parish recently,Anne?"

"The priest there is delightful Diana. I'd love to go,William?"

"Sure."

"You know, I'm the one with mental illnesses Theresa, Schizophrenia. I'm what the doctors call stable now, praying this trip doesn't send me over the edge."

"If dinner and Mass are too much, let me know. My sister also has Schizophrenia."

"Oh, I see."

The trip isn't that bad thought Diana. I even found a nice young lady I can trust thought Diana as they left for their evening out.


	18. Chapter 18

"That woman stressed me out. She doesn't care about our grief. I felt alone until that young woman came. Was I ever as annoying as that teen? Asked Diana,once the family was in the car.

" She sure had an agenda. Your Mom sold me the same one, that Christmas she all gave you the sect leader's writings. I still remember your Dad scolding her for talking about it on the way to Midnight Mass," said William.

"Sounds like Dad," said Diana.

" Theresa seems like a good connection for you to have. I'm looking forward to spending time with her tonight,"said Anne. The family was on their way to Mass.

" I already trust her," said Diana.

" To answer your question Diana. You never presented yourself like that teen. You were always pro life from cradle to grave, thought being pro life was to be against poverty, inequality and hatred. The sect has racist that teen says pro life,I don't think she means leading community members in We Shall Overcome, when the town's only black family's house was bombed when a family member wanted to run for school board."

"Woah,that was a mouthful. That wasn't my idea,wasn't it Father Rizzo's?"

"Who handed out all the fliers at the high school and lead the crowd in song though, Diana? That was you."

"Dad never left me out of his sight until graduation."

"What I think your sister is trying to say,is that you were not an annoying teen,but an inspiring one," said William.

"I was?" Diana was in awe.

"Yes, did I agree with every cause you fought for in college,no. But from the moment I met you,I knew you were going to school because you loved learning,not because you wanted a good husband and I liked that."

"Thank you," responded Diana.

After Mass,Theresa, William,Diana and Anne went to diner in the town of New Lisbon a few miles from Necedah.

" Necedah is just too small without feeling like everyone knows you. Plus the food at this restaurant is better," said Theresa.

"Sounds good to me," said Diana.

"How long did you know Mom?,asked Diana after they had ordered their meal.

"Since she came, I was in grade school then. I think I was very surprised that she came without a family."

"Thank God,she tried so hard. Then I become crazy without her help."

" Oh Diana, I don't know if she was mentally ill per say. Just a frightened conservative who found an ideology that made sense to her."

"Oh, well that's good, I guess."

"I think she was one of the most devout."

"She had a college education. Had she lost her critical thinking skills?"

" Our leader was a very charismatic woman,plus she spoke to what was wrong with today's culture, or what your Mom thought was."

"Poor Mom, all she wanted was not to be an extension of Dad, and thought this was the only way."

"Diana, that's very accurate," said Anne.

"That shrine was hideous. Did Jesus just appear to George Washington and say I'm going to need a right hand man, and oh Lincolin,your statue should be on my left? I'm being sarcastic,"explained Diana.

"Jesus and Mary appeared to them,apparently," explained Theresa.

"Mom would have loved that. When did you doubt?,asked Diana.

"When I started to run it by a friend in high school. Most of the students made fun of the "Shriners" as they called us. She was kind to me and had an interest in religion and found me a book on sects in the high school library. She also told me some information about what the Catholic Church really teaches. When she told me Mary and Jesus were Jewish, I was surprised of all the times Mary supposedly referenced the "Yids"', said Theresa using air quotes wanting herself to be distanced from the slur.

" Wait, if your leader though Mary used that slur,then Mom was Anti Semitic."

Diana's jaw dropped. She thought of her good friends in the Feminists of Many Faiths group she was in,while in graduate school who were Christian, Jewish and Buddhist and perhaps some other faiths. If she had fell for her mom's beliefs,it never would have happened.

"A very smart young woman your friend , did she leave your provincial town?," asked Anne.

"She's working on a dissertation on apocalyptic Marian sects now at Marquette."

"That's where I went to graduate school," said Anne.

"Oh, what did you study?,"asked Theresa.

"Psychiatry."

"That's where the psychiatrist at the hospital in LaCrosse went."

"You know her? We lived with some other Franciscan Sister students in Milwaukee together."

"She helped my sister a lot,until we decided on hospitalization in Madison. I left the sect with her as soon as her delusion that she was Mother Mary got out. Of course our leader was furious and thought she was being mocked. After all she called herself Our Lady's voice box, any communication had to come from her, not some young girl claiming to be Mary."

"I never had delusions of grandeur, I just thought Nixon and the National Guard were going to kill me," Diana declared.

"That must have been terrifying."

"Oh it was. But I admitted myself because I felt Jesus told me to and that was real."

"Oh of course,Diana."

" I forgot how good these are," said William as he grabbed another cheese curd.

"So enough about me, tell me about your family," said Theresa.

"Well we have one son, Spencer. He's 6 and in 6th grade. He's obviously bright and has a mild form of autism. Are you familiar with that?,"asked William.

"A bit,from school. I'm getting my Master's in behavioral health now."

"Oh,where?,asked William.

"UW Madison."

"Go Badgers,Diana and I were graduate students there."

"Oh ,in what?"

" I went to law school."

" I have my PhD in medieval literature," said Diana.

"That's great, both of you. Oh,when your Mom found out you were going to graduate school,she was upset. She was afraid you'd be a liberal,Godless, communist feminist."

"Liberal and proud Catholic feminist , do you think Veronica would mind staying with Spencer one more day? I think Madison is calling my name," Diana declared.

" We need to get back so I can prep for my trial,but your cousin invited us for Christmas."

" That sounds wonderful."

"I'll have to have you meet my sister," said Theresa.

"Is she in Madison?",asked Diana

"She lives with me now. She has lots of friends from church and from her support group."

"Oh good."

"We live in the Monroe street area and attend a lovely Dominican parish."

"Oh,such a charming neighborhood," declared Anne.

"I'm so glad my parents let me finish at the public high school when the sect opened a K-12 school,my senior year. It's how I got a full scholarship to Edgewood. The Sisters I've stayed in contact have been like aunts to my sister, Elizabeth," explained Theresa.

"Wonderful," said Anne.

" Can I have your phone number Theresa?," asked Diana.

"Of course."

"I'm getting tired, but could talk forever."

"Are you up for Dairy Queen?"

"Always."

The happy group went off for dessert.

"So my parents still believed that our leader Mary was a direct pipeline to God, even when the world didn't come to end when she died. Your Mom sent me care packages when I was at college with notes trying to win me back," said Theresa.

" Chocolate chip cookie bribe?" Asked Diana.

"Yup."

"She never wrote to me in the hospital," said Diana.

"She worried about you. She thought you were either a mystic nobody believed like our leader or possessed. She was like my grandmother,when Mom and Dad went out for diner or to meetings,she would stay with me. She may not have understood both of you, but she loved you very much."

" When I visited she was very worried about you. She wanted to know if you were being persecuted because you believed Mary's writings. When I told her of your delusions, she wondered if that was God's way of punishing you for protesting. Trust me,it was good for your mental health that you didn't stay in touch," said Anne.

"I think there was a huge mistrust of psychiatry, since when our leader went in for observation in the 50's to see if she had stigmata, she was diagnosed with hysteria," said Theresa.

" This has been a very long day, but it was worth it. I think you will be part of my support team Theresa. Thank you for telling me about Mom," said Diana.

"I would love to be there for you via phone Diana. Maybe I'll even come to visit some day," replied Theresa.

"Oh, I think I'd like it very much," said Diana.

"Thank you so much Theresa. I think this has really helped with closure and Diana needs more friends like you," said Anne.

" I agree,thank you so much for your kindness," said William.

"Have a great trip back. I will definitely stay in touch with all of you. You all give me so much hope, you are the kind of Catholics I want to be. You ladies are especially inspirational. I know Elizabeth will be blessed to meet you this December," replied Theresa.

"For someone who I just met you are so.. So, just, words cannot describe,yes they can. You are Christlike", said Diana who had almost reached the point of overstimulation,but was glad she found the word she was looking for.

That night on the way back to the hotel,Diana started singing the closing hymn from Mass,How Can I Keep From Singing.

My life flows on in endless song, above earth's lamentations. I hear the real though far off hymn that hails a new all the tumult and the strife I hear the music ringing. It finds an echo in my soul. How can I keep from singing?

Singing it gave her peace that night and she slept soundly.


	19. Chapter 19

Little Spencer had found the writings his Grandma Mccoy had gifted the family with all those years ago. With his fast reading speed he sped through, occasionally asking Veronica a question not because the word was to hard,but it was poorly written and colloquial.

"I'm not quite sure your Mom wants to think about the supposed revelations when she gets home any more," said Veronica.

"Why not?"

"Because this was hard for her emotionally."

"Ok." Spencer looked dejected.

As he heard the garage door open he ran to it.

"Hi Mom and Dad. I've been reading what Grandma gave to you, what the fake seer wrote and she wasn't very educated. She was talking about mini "subs" coming down the St. Lawrence Seaway, I thought she thought Mary told her tiny Russian sub sandwiches were coming down,not miniature submarines."

William started laughing imagining how funny that must seem to a six year old. It was a bit too much for Diana though.

"Baby, don't forget my slow processing speed."

"Normal conversation speed," reminded Veronica.

After Spencer repeated his story,the corners of Diana's lips turned upward slightly.

"Oh my, how amusing. If I ever tell you sub sandwiches are coming up a body of water,advise me to go to the hospital. There are some things in there, you might understand better when you are older Spencer. I'm very tired and am going to nap before unpacking."

"We brought you some presents too," said William.

"Yay!"

When the laundry was started and the pizza was eaten Spencer received his gifts, a Something Special from Wisconsin t-shirt and a book,called A Young Person's Guide to Wisconsin.

"Thanks Mom and Dad."

"You're very welcome Spencer," replied William.

As Diana put Spencer to bed,she reminded him that she loved him very much and that if she ever left temporarily, he should always keep in touch and visit her in the hospital. She didn't want what happened with her mother,to happen with her and Spencer.

After both parents emerged from Spencer's room Veronica urged them to sit and talk.

"Oh Veronica, it went better than expected. I met a wonderful young lady who was a former sect member. She was visiting her Mom's grave too. All the things Mom used to say about Anne and I interested her and she's so much more open minded now. She is getting her Master's in behavioral health and her sister has Schizophrenia too. We plan to visit each other," explained Diana.

"Wonderful, what a blessing," replied Veronica.

" She was inspired to have a faith more like Diana and Anne's,"said William.

"Great, bet Rita would have been surprised that her complaining actually inspired what's not appropriate in those writings, do you remember?"

"Implications that if a woman dresses a certain way and is raped,she's asking for it." It sounded so sickening,Diana almost couldn't say it.

"Oh my, what happened to merciful Mary? I didn't realize how cold those supposed messages were. Those poor women in the sect. I will ask the "real" Mary to pray for them tonight,"said Veronica.

"I'll ask him what he read,that is,if I can remember," said Diana.

"I'll ask him every day,and try to get a synopsis that lasts less than 10 minutes," said William.

"I'm so sleepy. I want to sleep with my clothes on," exclaimed Diana who had been up very early and was sick of traveling.

"I'll go lay stuff out for you,Diana," said William

"I'll get your pills ready,"said Veronica.

"Oh my gosh,it's like I'm a kid again."

"Sometimes, it's ok to get a little help,with even the basics," said Veronica to a very tired looking Diana.

That night Diana slept soundly,glad to be in her own bed. She prayed for those women in the sect and thanked God she wasn't one of them.


	20. Chapter 20

"Mom did you know that…" Spencer came into his parents room about to spout off things he had read before leaving for school.

"Spencer, I just woke up. Remember our rule, no chatting before I get ready for the day."

"But, l leave in 5 minutes."

" It's going to be one of those days where it will take a lot of concentration and energy, just to take a shower. Go talk to your Dad." Diana was greatful for her high degree of self awareness.

Spencer went to William's office.

After he left, Diana reached for her medal of St. Dympna and said," I'm going to need a lot of prayers from you again."

When Diana was in the shower the lyrics to the spiritual Sometimes I Feel Like A Motherless Child went through her head. She began to cry and was terrified of relapsing.

" I don't want to relapse Mary, pray for me."

She began to sob,wrapped herself in a towel and sat on the floor. A few minutes later, William knocked on the door a little concerned.

"Can I come in, Diana?"

" I don't know,can you? Turn the doorknob."

"Oh, you English professors. I mean,may I?"

"Let me get my bathrobe on."

As soon as she opened the door, she put her head on William's shoulder.

" Hold me."

He did so. " I have to go to work soon,but I want to know what's wrong."

"I'm scared."

"Of what,Diana?"

"Relapse. I'm sad, is this because of my illness?"

"It could be because of that,or it could be because you are grieving. Not all feelings are because of Schizophrenia."

"Oh William,you are so kind. I need you."

"I'll stay here until Veronica is here,ok?"

"I'll call her."

"Then take your medication?"

"Yes,of course."

A few minutes later, Veronica arrived.

" I understand you are having a rough day. Are you up for a walk?"

"I know I should. It's always better with you."

"Let me know if you need anything."

A few minutes later,Diana had kissed William goodbye and went for a walk with Veronica.

"When your clients are stable do they fear relapse?"

"Yes,Diana some do. I understand how you are feeling, but you really should have some structure and activities if you fear relapse."

"But I faced loss,doesn't that mean that I'm at risk for relapse?"

" At risk being the key word. You know what your signs of a relapse are,right?"

"Yeah, it's weird feeling emotions that are considered normal."

" I've heard that before,but remember you are more than your illness."

Diana had heard that before, but found it hard to believe it sometimes. After walking for 15 minutes, Diana had enough walking and made some iced herbal tea.

"Spencer acts like he's part of my care team,but he's only a child. I worry about him."

"It's not appropriate for him to be giving you advice, but he loves you very much."

" He had a nightmare last night. But his teddy bear Einstein calmed him, he said."

" I pray for you all every day Diana."

"Prayer, such a wonderful thing. I still think it can work."

" So do I my friend, for feeling depressed,you've had a productive morning so far."

"Really?"

"Really, my friend."

After lunch, Veronica accompanied Diana to her counseling appointment. Diana really liked her counselor, who specialized in working with clients with Schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.

"Carol says things in a way that makes sense doesn't she?," remarked Diana.

" Yes, I think it's important that she talked about the need to explain to Spencer the importance of limits and boundaries. I really think that will help reduce stress."

Later that night Spencer began to talk about the writings of the sect leader.

"Spencer, you need to talk about something else for the sake of my mental health. How would you feel if I suddenly told you I believed all this and if you didn't believe, I'd leave you?, asked Diana.

"I wouldn't like that."

"Neither did I."

"Oh,does this remind you of conversations with your Mom? It makes you sad?"

"Yes, Spencer."

"Oh."

That night while getting ready for bed,William remarked," It must have took some courage to set boundaries."

"It did. I thought he may be mad."

"Assertiveness is good to a point. I know it's hard for you though."

" I don't want to ever be like Mom."

"You aren't."

"Good."

"I hope you'll sleep well, Diana."

"I'm going to ask St. Dymphna to pray for me, and Grandma Como too."

"Wonderful, I think she prays for you a lot. I know you have issues with St. Dymphna."

"Grandma lived it. Dympna's dad was the sick one. My friend Mary, from support group says,nothing about us without us."

" You are feeling empowered. Oh, Diana, I'm so proud of you."

"I'm tired, my knight in shining armor. I love you. I'm not helpless!"

"No, my darling. You are not."

Both spouses slept peacefully that night, knowing that although recovery was a rocky road, they were not doomed for life.


	21. Chapter 21

"Why me Veronica, why me?" asked Diana of her dear friend as they had morning coffee at Veronica's apartment.

"What are you referring to Diana?," Veronica responded.

"Treatment can be so difficult for me."

"It can for many, Diana. What are you having difficulties with?"

" I want to enjoy intimacy again. My muscles feel stiff too. I want to be side effect free and out of the hospital. "

"Oh, Anne will be taking you to that psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. Please say something."

Diana got up from the table and rinsed out her coffee cup before placing it in the dishwasher. "Aren't dishwashers wonderful?"

"Diana, are you aware you've changed the subject?"

"I'll say something about my side effects."

" I understand how difficult it is for you. I've seen this for a few years with you and my patients. You aren't the only one who feels like this. Every day they are working on testing new medication. There is hope."

" I guess. It's been over 10 years since we married and I had my first episode, why can't I find something just right? I'm envying Goldylocks now,finding just right so soon."

" I wish I had an easy answer,my friend. I can tell you one thing. Nevertheless,you persisted."

"Does that matter?"

"I know it does Diana. You want to continue treatment and that's great in itself."

" I couldn't do it without you or William, Anne, Anna and my new friend Theresa."

" God and those in heaven too?"

"Those in heaven too."

" You look tired, Diana."

" I couldn't sleep."

"That's also something to mention at the appointment."

" Let's go for our walk. I want to talk to you about Spencer."

"What about him,Diana?," said Veronica putting on her walking shoes.

"He won't stop treating me like he's the parent."

"My colleague started something that may help."

"Good."

"It's an education program for older children on Schizophrenia. It talks about it on his reading level,and also how to best help your parent and understand them. I think if another professional tells him not to parent you and he meets children who are going through something similar, that will help."

"Thank you."

"You are quite welcome, Diana. I'll ask Spencer about it."

"You are wonderful. But don't you have office hours and a lecture today?"

"Yes,are you still up to coming to campus today?"

"Yes, I want to meet your colleague."

"She'd love to meet you. I've told her how strong you are."

"Me,strong?"

"Yes, Diana. You are very strong."

Whenever Diana visited the University of Nevada-Las Vegas campus it felt weird. It was the site of great distress, being where she she was unable to function during her first episode of psychosis, but a place she felt at home, as an academic.

"Hi, Veronica," said Veronica's colleague, Dr. Joan Brown upon seeing Veronica and Diana in the doorway of her office.

"Joan, this is my dear friend,Diana Reid."

"Come on in, you two. Take a seat."

" I usually don't care about my title, but I worked really hard to get that doctorate."

" I understand, you are the Diana, Veronica knew since her undergraduate days, her roommate, correct?"

"Yes,she said I persisted. I presented my dissertation when I heard terrifying whispers, survived a whole semester working here, amazingly. But now I'm a mother who needs your help."

"You have persisted,Diana. What can I do for you?"

" My son would benefit from learning more about my illness and how he should be around me. He's really smart,in 6th grade at age 6. He has the thing Veronica wants defined in the DSM."

"Asperger's Syndrome?"

"Yes, Veronica said you were providing a group that could help."

" Dr. Diana Reid, that was wonderful self advocacy. Please, don't hesitate to call me Joan. I'll give you a registration form. I hope Spencer decides to join. Just have Vernonia or you contact me with your decision in a week."

"Thank you, Joan. I haven't been very assertive before,but I guess over 10 years later is better than never."

"It is, Dr. Reid. Keep it up."

That night as Diana was setting the table,William came in with Chinese food.

"Hi, Diana. How was your day? It was a campus day, right?"

"Yes, I was told I was a wonderful advocate."

"Wow,great."

Spencer came from the rec room downstairs.

"Dad, I beat your Pac Man score! Hi Mom, did you read anything interesting today?"

"An article in Ms. Magazine. I finished the whole article."

"Good, Mom."

"Spencer, how would you like to meet other children whose parents have Schizophrenia, and are in Jr high. A class over a number of sessions, taught by Veronica's colleague?",asked William after reading the form with a note Diana left asking him to adress it.

" That would be very fascinating."

"It's also about coping."

"Wow,sounds interesting. So I'm not the only one it's hard for who actually wants help?"

" No, Spencer," said William.

"Wow."

After drying the dishes and saying goodnight to Spencer,Diana watched an episode of Golden Girls. She was always impressed at how some comedies had been handling sensitive issues since the 1970's, but this was a lighter episode, just what she needed. That night, William read to Diana. Hearing the words she once taught relaxed her, and she fell asleep, relaxed.


	22. Chapter 22

"Diana, can I watch the football game here?" Asked William exited for the Packers vs. Cardinals game. He had been following the Packers since his law student friend convinced him, that one cannot live in Wisconsin without being a Packer fan, years ago.

"You get too loud. Either go out,or I'm leaving the house. You may not,although you technically can. I don't want to play hostess to a bunch of yelling voices when I'm stable. That's bad enough during psychosis. Oh, I'm going out later tonight, with Anne,so do whatever you want."

"Diana… I was going to complain, but that's pretty articulate. I won't ever bring friends over during the game if that's really how hard it is." He secretly missed Packer parties with fellow Catholic graduate students in his youth.

" You listened to me. I like when you listen to me."

"I'll call Bob and see what he's up to. He told me he'd be watching the game."

" Anna is coming over. It's not like she's a huge football fan. Plus, you two can get your own beer."

"Sounds good,Diana. I don't mind getting a beer,as long as I don't miss anything."

" Well go,act all immature and manly then."

"It's something I truly enjoy,like your small group activities and discussions."

"Where we don't scream or swear."

"Diana, I love you and want you to be happy,but I need to go do what I enjoy too." He loved his moments of respite and never wanted to be completely tied to his wife.

A few minutes later, Anna was visiting. Diana considered her a close friend and appreciated the empathy and understanding.

"How is your cousin?"asked Diana about Anna's cousin who had Schizophrenia.

"Mary,oh Diana my aunt and uncle died in a car crash recently. When I went back to San Francisco, I saw her on the streets."

"Oh no. Is she ok now? I'm sorry about your aunt and uncle."

"She's at St. Elizabeth's now. I convinced to to go. Our house just isn't an option right now."

"If she wants to stay in Vegas, you should talk to Anne or Veronica."

" Diana, I think you would be a good mentor to her."

"What, me mentor someone? I can't do that. I can't see someone worse than me."

"Why not, Diana?"

"It scares me. I don't want to get sick again. It's going to stress me out."

" To just let her know it can get better."

" Better, is this better? I have a PhD and I'm a housewife. I never wanted to be one. I don't work. I feel flat. I get depressed. I don't have an urge to make love with my own husband. I can't host a football get together."

" I know it must be difficult, Diana. But I do admire you. You have many positive traits. You are a wonderful kind of woman who'd relate to Mary."

"Because I'm crazy?"

"Because you like English literature,are upset with some Catholic views and don't want to be a housewife ."

"Oh."

"Just a thought,my friend."

"Oh, look at the time. My sister should be here soon. Make sure Spencer doesn't keep on playing those video games and make him eat his vegetables." About once a week, Diana went to dinner at her sister's convent.

"Hi Diana,how has your day been?" Asked Anne as Diana got in the car.

"Ok, I guess. I'm glad your fellow Sisters understand me."

"So do I Diana."

A few minutes later, Diana was seated in the living room of the convent staring at the shag carpeting. She slowly made eye contact with Sister Joan.

"Are you sure it's ethical I'm here? Weren't you my nurse during my first episode?"

" I was, but that was 12 years ago, Diana. Think of me as a good acquaintance," replied Sister Joan.

"Ok. Everyone says I've gotten better. But I hate the negative symptoms, side effects and not being who I used to be."

" I understand,but you are blessed, Diana."

"I am?"

"Jesus is here Diana. He loves you."

" I know."

" Diana, would you like to come to the kitchen with me and set the table?" asked Sister Anne.

" I don't remember where you keep everything."

"Everything is already out."

"Ok."

Once in the kitchen Anne asked," Is there something going on I don't know about?"

"My husband can't even watch football in his own home."

"Lots of people don't,Diana."

" He wanted to watch at home. But it's too long for me to be sitting in my bedroom drowning out the noise."

"That's fine."

"Where is the other Sister?"

As if on cue, Sister Barbara walked in the kitchen.

"Sorry I wasn't here sooner, the discharge planning meeting went over. Hi,Diana. Want a hug?" Sister Barbara was a social worker at the hospital.

"Sure, I like your crucifix."

"Thanks, I like yours."

"It was my grandmother's"

At dinner, Diana liked how Anne tried to include her by asking what she thought about certain topics. It made her feel involved without having to focus too much.

"Diana, after dessert we are going to read scripture,pray and sing a hymn. Would you like to join us?"

"Yes, I would."

As soon as Anne picked up her guitar Diana said, "Just don't sing Dominique,singing nun."

" Just don't be so snarky,little sister."

After some time focused on Jesus, Diana felt ready for bed.

When she got home,Spencer stirred.

"Hey, baby. "

"Did you have a good time,Mom?"

"Yes, did you eat your vegetables?"

"Yes and said my prayers,even though I'm agnostic."

"Go to sleep my gifted, autistic, agnostic little 6 year old." She kissed his forehead before leaving the room.

Soon, William walked through the door proclaiming the Packers won. It was nice to see William happy. He was not upset at all about watching the game somewhere else. They both fell asleep content that night.


	23. Chapter 23

"Diana, your Dad called and asked about Thanksgiving," said William to Diana who had came home from an evening walk with Veronica.

"Oh my gosh, Dad? I can't do this now."

" No controversial subjects when you are tired,that's what you mean?"

" Yes."

"Ok,I'll talk to you again tomorrow."

After Diana's frustrations about the football game,Anne suggested they work on conflict and communication more. It had been helping and William had been reading more educational materials for family members affected by Schizophrenia, including rereading his sister in law's book.

"Is Spencer in bed?"

"Yes."

Diana looked at the familiar sight of Spencer and his Teddy Bear, and the corners of her mouth turned up slightly. She knew the feeling of safety and knew how good it felt.

"Goodnight little one, your Teddy and many in heaven will help keep you safe."

The next day when William came home from work Diana was ready to discuss Thanksgiving.

"Dad wants to do what for Thanksgiving?"asked Diana.

" Come here,or have us come to Ohio with the extended family."

"Extended family, all those people, no way. Dad was so rude last time we saw him. He's not welcome here."

"He was very rude and is not apt to ever read the information we gave him. I understand how you feel."

"You agree?"

" I do. I think however we should at least call him."

"Let's have Anne over for Thanksgiving. Will you help me make pie?"

"Yes to the pie and Anne. Will you call your Dad on Thanksgiving?"

"If you and Anne stay in the room."

"Good compromise and teamwork,Diana."

"Thank you."

" For what?"

"Not yelling."

"You are very welcome. Well, it's my turn to make dinner tonight."

"Spaghetti, according to our weekly schedule,"said Diana looking at the schedule posted on the refrigerator.

"You are improving Diana. I really like how you feel able and comfortable to be assertive."

"I'm not too strong willed for you?"

"No, Diana. You are a good example of the recovery model,together with your team's help you are improving."

" I can't believe you put up with me,so well."

"Well it's not stress free, but I take the sacrament of marriage seriously."

"William,I love you."

Spencer came in from the living room.

"I'm done with my homework. May Jeff come over?"

"Until dinner,Spencer,"said William.

"He's almost beat my Mario Brothers score!"

"You need to read more," remarked Diana.

" I always do, Mom,every night."

"Ok,Spencer. I'm going to listen to music,in my room."

"Ok,Mom."

Soon laughter and the Mario Brothers theme song was coming from the tv,downstairs. William was glad Spencer had a young friend/ mentor in their friends Bob and Anna's 6th grade son, but hoped one day he would be more comfortable around his peers.

Later that night, Diana asked, "William,do you think the idea of recovering from anything other than the dreadful positive symptoms is pointless?"

"No Diana,you always come a long way after your hospitalizations. You are able to function better," William replied.

"But not real well. Others have what I don't. I know people in group who volunteer and some even work. Sister Joan works with an agency that helps her clients find employment, when they are ready after hospitalization.

"That's good, but everyone is different Diana. You are always comparing yourself to others."

" Well, I wish my counselor and psychiatrist could give me an answer to what goals I can achieve."

"Start small and find your limit."

" Without relapsing."

"Minimizing the risks yes. Just always make sure your basic needs are met. That's most important."

"Like going to sleep,right now. Even if I'll never be a professor again."

"That's right, my dear. You still are like when we met, in some ways. But the most important thing to remember is to take care of yourself."

"Goodnight,dear."

"Diana,I'll always love you. You know that right?," asked William.

"Yes."

"Now enough worries, you look exhausted."

" Goodnight,William."

" I'll be in bed shortly, my dear."

William planed to talk to Veronica, to see if she thought setting up a meeting with Diana's team would be a good idea. The better she got, the more aware she was that she wasn't "normal" and struggled more with acceptance.

The next morning before William left for work, Veronica endorsed the idea. Diana was a bit more hesitant.

"Who would even want me out in society besides the friends I already have?"

"Oh, many people Diana. People can see past those negative symptoms, they really can. If they don't like you then they aren't worth keeping in contact with," said Veronica.

"She's right,Diana."

"There is life in between a housewife and professor, but what is it?," asked Diana.

"Let's set up a brainstorming session and find out, shall we?" asked Veronica.

" I supose we shall, my friend," replied Diana.

So they decided to start working towards more goals with the help of a meeting with; Diana, William, Veronica, Anne, Diana's counselor and psychiatrist.


	24. Chapter 24

Diana and her team were sitting in her therapist's office ready to begin their meeting.

"This is a positive type of intervention. As much as I like helping clients recover from psychosis, I really enjoy when clients are wanting to do more to enhance their quality of life," said Diana's counselor Carol.

"And even though I'm a psychiatrist, I feel there is more to life than just being on the right medications," said Dr. Wilson.

"I've never been out of the hospital this long. In support group, I see things I never knew were possible," said Diana.

"Like what,Diana," asked William.

"Employment, volunteering,being in groups with other people who aren't sick."

"How do you feel about that?,asked Carol.

"It's amazing, but seems scary."

"Moving in a new direction?"

"Yes, how does one move ahead without being who they were before?"

"Who were you before,Diana?," asked Anne.

" A young academic with hopes and dreams of excelling in my profession. I thought I'd publish, research, lecture, make a difference in student's lives."

"Are there things that you still like, that are still important to you?",asked Carol.

"My family and my faith,music,literature."

"That's great. You can use that to work towards goals."

" Goals that about more than just how I'm functioning now?It's possible,I,oh my gosh. I'm good enough for that?"

" My friend, this is not your grandmother's treatment have a right to decide what you want to try. The team is here to guide and help you decide what you want," said Veronica.

"I think you are ready to add some more structured activities in your life. I think everyone here does,"said Carol. Everyone agreed.

" I want more. I'm scared of failure," said Diana.

"Diana, I know a number of clients who volunteer and work while on their medication," said Dr. Wilson.

" I can be one of those people?"

"I think you can."

" I think you and I should have sessions focused on recovery,Diana. Really all that is, is more structure and normalcy for lack of a better word. Would you like me to keep everybody informed and work on some more goals?," asked Carol.

"I think I do,as doubtful as I feel."

"Is that a yes?"

"Yes."

"Thank you so much, all of you. I'm so greatful for your help,"said William.

" You are very welcome,William. I'm very glad that Diana has such a helpful family and group of friends," said Carol

"Same here," said Diana.

"Anything anyone else wants to discuss?,asked Carol.

" I think everyone here deserves to be canonized," declared Diana.

" Ready for our individual appointment," asked Carol.

"Yes, I am."

"I'll be waiting for you in the waiting room, Diana," said William.

After meeting with Carol,Diana made a list of things she missed doing before her first episode of psychosis.

"So, if I can't ever do all the things I used to do, what's the point of a compromise?" Asked Diana of William.

"You do a lot of things still, read, listen to music, teach,by teaching Spencer."

"Those are supposed to count for something,because I'm not supposed to have all or nothing thinking."

"That's right,Diana."

"Pray for me."

"I always do,Diana."

"You do,oh William,you are so kind."

"You can continue to contribute to the world. I can't predict what happens in the future, but you can go on."

" I get stressed."

"We all do, just let me know when you are stressed,ok."

Spencer walked in the kitchen.

"Dr. Brown says parenting can be stressful and that if you are stressed and don't want to do something,I should respect that."

"That's great advice Spencer. It's really important to reduce stress. That includes when either of us is stressed," said William.

"Carol says we will be touching on stress reducing techniques that I can use on Thanksgiving, at our next session."

"That's really good Mom, my teachers and school psychologist help me with coping skills too," said Spencer.

"They seem so nice honey. It's nice when others help isn't it?"

"Very much so, Mom,thanks for making dinner."

"You are so sweet, baby. It was just sandwiches and chips."

"You do make a good grilled cheese sandwich, Diana,"said William.

"Thanks."

"Looks like it's time for bed soon,Spencer,"said William.

"Lights out in 45 minutes,Dad."

A few minutes later,Spencer was ready for his prayers.

"Jesus, I trust in you,if prayer does work. I think you may be helping us,because Mom is the best she's been in awhile. The next time Mom meets a new priest,may he be nice, like her favorite,who stops stigma,Amen. Mary,if you can pray for us,please do,Amen."

"I love you,Spencer. I like that you pray with me."

"I love you too,Mom. Goodnight."

"Goodnight,oh here comes your father."

"Goodnight,little man."

After William and Diana had returned to the living room,Diana asked,"William, do you really think I'm doing a lot better?"

"Yes, Diana,want some popcorn?"

"Sure,thanks for watching Golden Girls with me."

"You are welcome, Diana. It's pretty funny."

"I wish Mom was more like what's her name?"

"Sophia?"

"Yeah,she's not a sin obsessed, worrying, controlling mother."

"Let's just try to enjoy this episode,ok."

"Ok," replied night they really believed laughter was the best medicine.


	25. Chapter 25

"Mom, why are you sitting in a chair with your eyes closed?",asked Spencer.

"I'm trying to relax. I'm doing deep breathing."

"I do that if I get stressed . Dad and I picked up the pizza after school. It has all the stuff you like."

"I'll talk later,Spencer."

Spencer, knew that he had to respect his Mom's wishes. He hoped he felt up to hearing about his day,later.

At dinner, Spencer asked,"Mom, have you decided what we are doing for Thanksgiving?."

"Your Aunt Anne will be here."

"So, no Grandpa Mccoy?"

"No, just a hopefully quick phone conversation."

" I think that's an example of setting boundaries. I learned about that in my social skills group."

"Yes,Spencer it is. I'm very proud of your mother for setting those boundaries," said William.

"Oh William, it had to be done," said Diana.

"Yes, it did, but I'm still proud of you for realizing what's best for you."

"Thank you. I will load the dishwasher tonight. Spencer, finish your milk, please," said Diana. She knew dwelling on the subject longer, would do her no good.

" I'm glad you had a good session today," said William.

" Thank you, mind if I put on some sacred choral music,?" asked Diana.

"No problem, Diana."

Soon the music she loved was playing and the beautiful old Latin church music gave her peace.

"Mom, you like this music,but not in church,right?," asked Spencer.

"Right,honey. Now, go read or something ,please."

"Ok, I'll give you some space."

"Good, honey."

"Oh William, I still sometimes wonder if I'm a bad daughter."

"Diana, listen to me. Your Dad is very rude. He thinks it's ok to shove his religious and political beliefs down your throat, but it's not, especially when you have a mental illness where you are more susceptible to relapse with stress."

"I wish he'd understand that."

" So do I, my dear. If the conversation gets stressful, just give me a signal. I'll be right there."

"It doesn't have to be subtle, because he can't see anything."

"That's right. You can do this Diana."

"Veronica and I are going grocery shopping tomorrow. The pumpkin pie should be just as good as Mom used to make."

"I'm sure it will be,"said William.

The next day, Diana was a bit anxious as she went shopping with Veronica.

"So, do you think it's a good thing to express my negative emotions to my Dad?"

"I do,Diana. Did you talk about it in counseling?"

" I did. It was hard before I got sick to stand up to him and now it's harder."

" I understand, but I have faith in you. Now, what's next on the shopping list?"

"Whip cream, Dad wouldn't like that it's store bought. But,it doesn't matter because he's not here,right?"

"Right Diana."

Veronica was so proud of how far Diana had come. It had been over a year since Diana's last hospitalization. Her insight to her illness had greatly improved over the years. The confidence Diana was gaining reminded Veronica more of her friend as a college student before the Schizophrenia diagnosis.

Once Diana got home Spencer began spouting facts about Thanksgiving. Diana smiled not really listening until Spencer said," Did you know Eucharist means thanksgiving?"

"I do,Spencer. I'm very thankful for Jesus."

" Me too, maybe someday I might believe in the Real Presence."

"I'm thankful for you,my dear. I'll always love you,Spencer."

"I'm thankful for all of us too. We'll get through this Thanksgiving, but right now it's time for dinner," said William.

Later that night, Diana was practicing what she was going to tell her Dad if he upset her during the phone conversation.

"Dad, I told you I can't talk about religion or what you think about gender roles. If you do this or shout at me, I can't have a conversation with you."

"You sound firm, but not too angry, Diana. Don't be afraid to hang up. Nobody deserves to be yelled at," said William.

"Thank you,William."

"You are welcome. Ready for me to turn off the light?"

"Yes, goodnight William. Oh, we need to pray."

After making the sign of the cross,William began "Jesus, thank you so much for helping us on our journey in life. Be with us as we give thanks for those around us Thursday. Help us to be like you,especially when we talk to Walter. Bless all our family,especially our little Spencer. In the name of the Father,Son and Holy Spirit,Amen."

"All you holy women and men,pray for us. Jesus, I trust in you,"added Diana.

"Women and men,of course you would my feminist Catholic wife. Sleep well,Diana."

"Sleep well,William."

Diana felt safe and blessed that night with her prayers said and her husband by her side,although she disliked the fear of the unknown.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

"It looks, nice,clean, like that living room in that movie Spencer likes,like a modern version of my childhood living room,oh my God. I've become a mentally ill homemaker." Diana looked at the living room all ready for Thanksgiving.

"What movie?",asked William.

"The time machine one."

"Oh,yeah,it kinda does look like Back to the Future. Diana, you spent all week cleaning,with my help. It took longer, because you didn't want to be stressed out. That's a good thing."

"Oh,ok."

Spencer came bounding down the stairs. "Happy Thanksgiving, may I have eggo waffles?"

"Sure,Spencer," replied William.

" Mom, can I read your relapse prevention plan?"

"I don't know,Spencer. Today is supposed to be a happy day."

"Knowing you have a plan makes me happy."

"Not today,Spencer," declared William.

"Can I watch the Macy's Day Parade?"

"Eat your breakfast first,"said Diana.

Later, Anne arrived with stuffing she made the night before and the rolls Spencer liked from the local grocery bakery.

"Hello everyone, Happy Thanksgiving," said Anne.

"I'm so glad you came Anne. I need you here," said Diana.

" Want to talk in William's office?," suggested Anne.

"Please," replied Diana.

After Diana closed the door, Anne said," You seem very nervous. Do you know why that is?"

"Dad, he's going to be mad at us."

" I wouldn't be surprised if he gets mad. We did the right thing Diana. I know how overwhelming it can be for you in big groups. I think our cousins respect that more than Dad."

" Stay on the other phone the whole time,please."

"Of course, now you know to tell William and I when you are stressed and you have those stress reduction techniques you use."

"You better believe I'll tell you if I'm stressed."

"Now he won't be calling for a while, how about we enjoy our meal,ok?"

A bit later they were eating their Thanksgiving meal and Spencer as usual was talking in great detail.

"Spencer, I don't think your Mom and aunt care about your Math homework," said William.

"Mom, can I have pie now?"

"After I talk to your grandpa."

"Can I talk to him too?"

"After we do."

Diana knew the phone would ring soon. She grabbed William's hand and walked to his office with him. She prayed and did some deep breathing before hearing the phone ring.

"Happy Thanksgiving,Dad. Yes, this is Diana."

Walter was glad that her daughter was well enough to answer the phone.

" You sound good,Diana. I wish you were able to be here and Anne too. Your cousins and aunts and uncles want to see you."

" I'd be happy to see them in small groups."

"Ok,then. I'll tell them. You cook today?"

"Yes."

"Good,I'm glad you can still do that. Are you keeping out of trouble?"

" I'm not sure what you mean. I'm a grown woman who hasn't committed any mortal sins lately."

"Nothing I'd disapprove of?"

"Dad,don't do this."

"Then you probably are doing things I disapprove of."

" I think so, but I don't want to talk about it. It's off limits."

"Oh Diana, I don't think you'll ever change your ridiculous beliefs."

"Dad, if we don't stop talking about politics or gender roles, I'll have to hang up."

"Really,Diana? Well if you insist on controlling this conversation, I don't think I can take it."

" Oh?"

"Yes, Diana. You must be sick,right now. What happened to my little girl?"

"She grew a backbone and is able to set boundaries."

"Diana, don't do this to me. Don't fight me. I love you, I really do."

" I love you,Dad."

"Then don't be a stubborn woman. Don't you ever leave like your Mother,you understand?"

"Dad, it's Anne on the other phone. All Diana is trying to do is be polite, assertive and trying to avoid release," explained Anne.

"Listening to what I have to say will make her ill?"

"It's your tone Dad. You hurt our feelings when you scold and criticize us," explained Anne.

"Why can't you be more like Mother Angelica?"

"Dad,what did I just say? You can't criticize me either."

"Well, you don't like her then,do you?"

"She's too critical of beliefs I like. That's all I want to say about it and Diana is going to hang up if you don't switch the subject."

"How are William and Spencer,Diana?"

"Fine. Spencer wants to talk to you, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea."

"It's William here,women standing up for themselves does not make them bad women,Walter. If you insist on telling our son how to live his life,we won't let him talk to you. My cousin says, the Catholic Church is one big tent. Your daughters and are in different areas of the tent and we want you to respect that."

"William,when you married Diana,I thought you'd discourage her from all those dreadful ideas in Kent and Madison. She should have gone to Notre Dame or Steubenville. I heard they tried to consecrate a pizza at the Catholic campus center in Madison."

"Walter, that is an urban legend. I'm not going to force my wife to believe anything. That's not my job. I'm going to ask Diana to hang up now. We've given you plenty of warnings."

"Warnings, that's the most stupid thing ever. I'm supposed to warn you all that you are.."

"Dad I'm going to hang up," Diana did so and fell into William's arms.

"It's not my fault, your fault or Anne's that you have the beliefs you do."

"Wrong, wrong,wrong. He thinks everything is wrong. I don't like that at all. Did he ever love us,Anne?,"asked Diana.

" I think he does, but doesn't know he hurts us so much. if you have Schizophrenia or not,what he did was wrong. It would make anybody upset."

" I feel upset,"said Diana.

" I do too,Diana. He attacked all three of us. It was wrong," stated William.

"Do you want us to be with you?," asked Anne.

"I'm going to take a nap," Diana replied.

" I'm going to tell Spencer,that he won't be talking to his grandpa," said William.

"I'll clean up",said Anne.

" I'm still thankful for all of you,but I need some time alone," said Diana.

" We understand dear, Happy Thanksgiving," William said before kissing his wife on the forehead.

Anne made the sign of the cross on Diana's forehead and gave her a warm hug. They were still thankful for the supportive family they still had.


	27. Chapter 27

"Do you think I'm fat,?" asked Diana as she walked into the living room.

"Honey,no. Why do you ask?," said William.

"Maybe it's the Meds. I couldn't sleep much and as I sat in bed, I was reminded that I'm not that skinny," explained Diana.

"It may be the case that medication is contributing to slight weight gain,Diana. I don't want you to obsess over it or anything," replied William.

"I heard you,Mom. You may be a little overweight,but nothing high risk,"Spencer said as he walked into the room.

"Spencer,that really doesn't help your mom,right now. People don't like to be told they are overweight," explained his Aunt Anne.

" But she asked! Social rules are really confusing."

"Lots of kids your age can be confused by that, little man," reassured William.

"Spencer,I've dealt with your grandfather today, that's a lot worse than you talking about weight. He thinks I'm delusional."

"You aren't,Mom."

"I know,baby. What time is it?"

"5:00, you slept 3 hours."

"Well, more like 1."

"You couldn't sleep,Diana?," asked William.

"No, but I've been there before."

"What can we do,Diana?,"asked Anne.

"Sit with me. Spencer,I'll be ok. I want to have time with just the adults now."

Spencer left looking a bit dejected, yet he kind of understood,because the children's support group had been teaching him,that taking care of parents with mental illness,should not be the child's responsibility.

"I'm sorry about Spencer. You're beautiful just the way you are," said William.

"Most kids his age tend to make social blunders, but with the Asperger's, he has less awareness. I don't think it's medication related,Diana. If you are very concerned,you can talk to your doctor,but I'm not concerned,"said Anne.

"William,hold me. I want to put my head on your shoulder."

"Sure,honey." William hoped his presence would help calm his wife.

Anne got up and Diana said," No,stay,please pray for me."

They sat in silence for a while, and it seemed as a peaceful calm washed over the room.

" I was a liberal struggling with some church teachings before I got sick," said Diana.

"Yes,you were," said Anne.

"Since high school,when I knew I didn't share Dad's beliefs. I may be a bit treatment resistance with negative symptoms,depression and anxiety, but college didn't make me liberal or crazy. "

"That's right,Diana," said William.

"It's such a long haul though. I have memory and concentration problems,trouble expressing emotions,depression and anxiety. I'm still sick. He doesn't want a mentally ill daughter. I can't help that though. I'm trying very hard to do my best."

"Yes,you are improving so much though. It gives you a better chance to recover better, when you try to deal with treatment resistance,by not giving up on decreasing your symptoms," explained Anne.

"Ignore all the negative things your Dad said. You can be a role model," said William.

"Oh,William,that's very kind,but don't lie," said Diana.

"I'm not, my dear."

Diana's digital watch alarm went off.

"Time for my medicine, at least I can take it with chocolate milk," said Diana.

" Do you mind if I leave,Diana, or do you need me to stay?,"asked Anne.

"No, my sister, Sister Anne. Go home, pray,relax. I don't think anything drastic will happen."

" I'm sure we will be fine, Anne. Thanks for everything," said William.

"Thanks for helping with kitchen clean up and being moral support,"said Anne.

" Of course,Anne," William replied.

" I could die because of side effects," said Diana as she took off her bathrobe and slipped into bed, later that night.

"Diana,what do you mean?" William hoped she wasn't feeling like death was near.

"This medication has serious side effects. What if I die from having too many White Blood Cells?"

"Oh,Diana. Don't be afraid. The clozapine you've been on since your last relapse has been very helpful for you. You have labs tomorrow. Veronica is taking you."

" Why can't medicine for people with Schizophrenia be side effect free? Like having this isn't already enough."

" I understand your frustration,Diana. I wish it wasn't this way either. I care about you and want to help."

"Oh William, I want to be a professor so bad. Annie, in support group had her first episode when she was in nursing school,and she wants to be a nurse. It's not fair."

"Hey,let's just take it one day at a time,ok?"

"Maybe if I didn't realize I was sick,it would be better."

" Oh,Diana,that would have it's difficulties, but you are a very good advocate. Self awareness is good,although anxiety and obsessing are difficult to deal with,you have support from a lot of people."

"And Jesus"

"Yes he and those in heaven care,my dear."

After they prayed that night, Diana wondered what she'd be capable of in the future and what her opportunities would be. Would anyone want her for a volunteer position, part time job,a new friend?


	28. Chapter 28

" You know what this book reminds me of? A parish cookbook," said Diana looking up from a book her sister had written for her clients on recovery. It wasn't a published book, but was spiral bound.

"What,why Diana?," asked William who was finishing trial prep for the next day and was half listening.

" It's not a real published book,it's like a notebook, like an unpublished has some pretty obvious statements too."

"It wouldn't have been obvious after your first episode."

"She dedicated a book to me after my first episode,a real one."

"True."

"Learning skills takes time. Too much time,if you ask me," said Diana adding the last sentence to what she read.

" Diana, I'm in no hurry. Everyone is different."

"You don't sit around wishing I was one these plastic housewives in the neighborhood? That's a metaphor."

" I wish they would accept you and Spencer."

" They probably call me the crazy professor," said Diana.

" I hope not,"replied William.

" I wish my brain didn't make life difficult for me when I was stable."

" Me neither, but there is no shame in getting help with that."

" I don't want to entertain here,because somebody might see all the lists and post it notes."

"Lots of people use those."

"How many people under 80 have a post it note that says,turn off stove?"

"That doesn't matter, Diana."

" l miss the old days of my youth, before my first break."

" I can understand why, but you still have potential."

" I suppose, I do."

"You do,Diana. You are very blessed."

"Really,William?"

"Really, you know as well as I do that lots of people with mental illness are in poverty and don't have the support you get."

" I guess you are right. Let's go say goodnight to Spencer,then I have to take my Meds."

Spencer knew it was soon time for the light to be off, but he was engaged in reading one of the books in the Chronicles of Narnia series.

"Lights out, Spencer,"said William.

"Aww,Dad this is so amazing."

"I know, I read them when I was a kid."

"Wow, is Mom ok?"

"Here I am, my dear," said Diana. She walked into Spencer's room and sat on Spencer's bed and gave him a small smile.

"I'm so glad you were well enough to make me a snack and read my essay today,Mom."

"Me too. You are a smart boy Spencer."

"You are very smart too Mom."

"Oh,Spencer,that's.. Nice,very nice." She was always trying to accept compliments,despite the depression and low self esteem she had.

" I love you Mom and Dad."

After they said goodnight and Diana took her medication, William and Diana went to the living room.

"He likes what I do as a mother. I'm appreciated," said Diana.

"Yes,Diana. You are very appreciated," replied William.

" I'm supposed to have hope. I think I feel hope,right now."

" Good, Diana."

"Sing our song,William." William began to sing Paul Anka's song,Dian and Diana felt safe. She thanked Jesus for the hope she felt and asked both his mother Mary and the patron saint of mental illness, St. Dymphna to pray for her.


	29. Chapter 29

When Diana woke up, she put on Joni Mitchell's Chelsea Morning. Music in the morning was a daily motivator for Diana. She had decided to make pancakes from a mix, but she didn't know if she could do all the steps that day.

"Want to make pancakes together,Diana?," asked William.

"You have to work. I can use the frozen ones today."

"Good idea ,Diana."

"Did you say frozen ones,Mom? I'm going to have my usual cereal and read the nutrition facts," Spencer came walking in the kitchen.

"Spencer, when I feel better we can make pancakes together. I just don't have it in me today."

"Remember, recovery is not a linear process. It's ok, we don't have to make pancakes today,"said Spencer.

" How many 6 year olds know the word linear?"

"I don't have the numbers,Mom,"replied Spencer.

"Your Mom is saying it's impressive," explained William.

"Oh",replied Spencer.

After Spencer finished breakfast and getting ready for his day, William was ready to drop him off at school.

"Remember Mom, like I learned in my children's support group and educational program, you are more than your illness."

" Oh Spencer, I love you,"replied Diana.

" I have court today. Veronica's day off is today. You have your daily schedule on the table?," asked William.

" Yes, it looks like I do," said Diana.

After everyone had exchanged hugs and kisses, and left,Diana poured herself some decaf coffee, wishing that caffeine didn't make her agitated. But coffee with cream and sugar did taste delicious. The doorbell soon rang. After seeing it was her friend and neighbor,Veronica, she let her in.

"It's good to see you,Veronica."

"Good to see you, Diana."

"Have a seat. Let me get you some coffee."

"Thank you,Diana."

After getting Veronica a cup of coffee, Diana said," Spencer is a good boy. I try to be a good mother."

" I think you are Diana."

"That's a compliment. You are too kind. Would I be bragging if I said it's one of my strengths, is it?" Ever since her diagnosis, Diana struggled with her self esteem.

" I think so. But it's important that you are able to see the positive."

"That's what Carol says. I have to write down 3-5 strengths before my next session. I know I'm a good mother." Carol was Diana's counselor.

"Good,Diana."

" It's quite a program I'm working with. All these buzz words that weren't around when I was first diagnosed; recovery, resilience."

"How do you feel about that?"

"It's exciting and scary. It's wonderful what some with Schizophrenia do, but it's daunting thinking about the future.'

"Perfectly understandable,my friend. Many of my clients feel the same way. I wrote the program you are using."

"Really,Veronica. Carol is so good with me. My whole team is. We are moving along, but slowly."

"That's ok,Diana."

"Goals scare me, still."

"Well, little goals are victories too. Going for a walk can even be a goal."

"I need to get my walking shoes, my key, lock the door and start walking."

"Great breaking down your goal into steps. Looks like you will have exercised a half hour 5 days this week." Veronica look at the chart where Diana was keeping track of the goal.

" I guess that counts for something."

"Of course it does,Diana," exclaimed Veronica.

A few minutes later, Diana was ready to go. After walking for a few minutes,Diana said," I'd like to get out more."

"That's a good idea,"replied Veronica

I'm not sure if I want to go to Madison this Christmas though."

"Ok, so you want to focus on doing things closer to home?"

"Vegas will never quite feel like home, but,yes."

" Ok, well that's a good idea."

"You understand what I mean about Las Vegas?"

"I do,it's perfectly fine. My parents are coming for Christmas."

" Come to our house. I love them."

"They'd love that,Diana."

"Well, I have laundry to do when I get home."

"Sounds good,Diana. Remember, there is nothing wrong with taking small steps."

As Diana was waiting for the laundry, she wrote down some of her strengths. She wrote; I am loving. I am kind. I have a strong Christian faith. I am a good mother and I persevere. In that moment, she knew she could be positive and improving her life was not impossible.


	30. Chapter 30

" I need to have a spiritual goal,maybe actually try Mass at a smaller parish, Anne goes to. No, I want to go see Fr. John in Reno, at least once a month. He was always so good to me," said Diana of the priest who did everything from give her the Eucharist before her first hospitalization to praying with her while she was in labor.

"That's a great idea,Diana," replied William.

" I like it too. It's something good that happened today. Good things do happen."

"That they do,Diana."

Diana began to dish up the canned meal and fresh vegetables. Spencer loved spaghetti o's. After everyone finished dinner, Diana asked Spencer to name one positive thing that happened that day.

" I got an A on my Math test!"

" Wonderful,Spencer. I'm very proud of you," said Diana.

"Me too, Spencer," said William.

"Anything, good happen to you William?," asked Diana.

"We have a new intern and I think she'll be a great addition to the firm."

"Oh it's a young lady,sounds wonderful."

"I think you may like to meet her someday, she's passionate about mental health advocacy."

"Good for her. I think I'd like that some day. I used to think thinking of positive things was pointless,but right now, I like it. I think it makes me feel a bit better,"said Diana.

"That's what it's supposed to do,Mom," said Spencer.

"Oh Spencer, I know that. Now clear the table,please."

"Only an hour of video games,Spencer," William reminded.

Spencer pouted a bit and ran down to the tv/rec room.

After Spencer had gone to bed, William and Diana were having drinks, William, a Brandy Old Fashioned and Diana, a Shirley Temple.

"You are sure my Mass attendance in Reno won't be an issue?,"asked Diana.

" No, not at all."

"Should we take Spencer,? Fr. John hasn't seen him in years."

"This is your goal,my dear. You have the final say."

" I like that in principle,of course, but problem solving can be hard."

"So is having a 6 year old son who questions religion."

"Exactly William, I wish he would just question a few beliefs not religion."

" I understand, would talking about this later be good?"

"Yes,you know I don't handle controversy after dinner,well. My brain seems to slow down at night."

"Makes sense Diana, many people have that problem,but when you have any kind of disability,including mental illness,it's more prone to happen."

"You sound like you just came out of a family education class," said Diana referring to the classes for those with a family member with mental Illness.

"Then, I'm a good student, I guess. Oh, sounds like your herbal tea is ready," said William referring to the whistling tea kettle.

"Could you get it,please? I'm exhausted."

"Sure,honey."

Diana slowly sipped her tea and felt calmer.

"Do you think I'll ever be able to volunteer or work again?," asked Diana.

"I think so, but it will look a bit different than what you envisioned before your first episode."

"So,that's not an impossible goal, volunteer or work part time?"

"Like we've mentioned with your treatment team, we think that is possible."

" Well, I do want to sometime,I really do,but it seems so frightening,impossible."

"I understand. The effort you put forth counts,Diana."

"I'm glad you don't want a perfect housewife with a typical brain,because you'll never have one. It's going to be a low key Christmas,is that ok?"

"That's fine, you don't have to stress yourself right now."

"Oh, William, I ask St. Dymphna to pray for you. Thank goodness, it works. You.., you accept.. your mentally ill wife. It makes me want to cry tears of joy." A stray tear went down her cheek.

"Oh, Diana, you look exhausted. I'll put the glasses in the kitchen. You, my dear can just get ready for bed. I've always accepted you."

Diana reached out for a hug and received a warm embrace. She knew she had the ability to continue her recovery, even if it meant larger goals and problem solving. She accepted that it was ok to continue recovery,at her own speed, with a very vague long term goal in mind. A vague goal, was better than no goal.


	31. Chapter 31

William opened the front door and the sound of classic Christmas Carols and sight of a Christmas garland and a fake table top Christmas Tree greeted him. Veronica and Diana were putting up some figurines of the holy family that had been in Diana's family since her childhood.

" I feel like I've walked into a Madrigal dinner. Looks lovely,ladies."

"Thank you",said Veronica and Diana in unison.

" I should be doing more "normal"Christmas things, attending events, baking cookies, even shopping," said Diana.

" You'll do fine. Remember you don't have to do things to keep up appearances, but do what you want and what you can handle," said William.

" I don't like crowded shopping malls. I won't be doing that."

" There are other ways to shop, Diana,"said Veronica.

"I'm sure Anna has some gift ideas, being a gifted and talented teacher," said William.

"Oh, she'd know what to get Spencer," realized Diana.

" Yes, and I'm not expecting you to go all out and do everything. Bake if you feel like it, attend a party if you want to," reassured William.

"It's time to get Spencer, isn't it? I'll go with you," said Diana. Although, it felt overstimulating to listen to constant chatter from Spencer,she loved seeing how happy he was walking out of school.

When Spencer walked in the front door, he exclaimed,"Wow, did you do this all by yourself,Mom?"

"Spencer,I had some help. It's not much."

" You were so depressed, last Christmas, remember how bad you said the side effects were on that medication?"

"Spencer, I'm still depressed. I don't want to talk about last year."

"Can we make gingerbread cookies from scratch this year?"

"I probably won't feel up to more than Pillsbury ready to bake cookies. Go do your homework,Spencer." Spencer went to his room,knowing he'd be done with homework in no time.

"He means well, Diana, he really does," said William taking off his shoes.

"Am I better,really better? Does it really matter? I thought I'm more than my illness."

" You are more than your illness, so much more, but Spencer, he's a child, a brilliant child with an eidetic memory and I think he's focusing on more of the bad memories sometimes. He doesn't remember you like I do. You've survived so much, all while being the kind, caring,brilliant, opinionated Catholic woman I fell in love with."

" I, I.. I need to sit down," replied and overwhelmed Diana.

William led her to the couch. And they sat for a few minutes in silence.

" What should I do when he begins to talk about my illness?", asked Diana.

"Just keep on setting boundaries. You are doing a great job, and to answer your question earlier,you are doing better."

" I love you, William."

"I love you,Diana. I'm making dinner tonight."

"Oh, that's right. Thank you, William. Anne is coming tonight too."

"That's right, she's such a wonderful person to be with,especially when you need some comfort."

" You can be comforting."

"Why, thank you, Diana," William always loved when Diana felt he was of help. It was good to see her be positive and good to know she appreciated his help.

An hour later the doorbell rang and Diana was hugging her sister.

" I didn't make the meal, but Veronica and I decorated the living room. I wish there were real Christmas trees in Vegas," declared Diana.

"Diana, the living room looks lovely. Look at all of Mom's figurines of the Holy Family and the tree looks just fine. Nothing wrong with simple and elegant decorations,"said Anne.

" Thank you, are you coming to Mass with us in Reno tomorrow,to see Fr. John?" asked Diana.

"Yes, I can do that. I haven't seen him in years. Would you like me to get Spencer to come down for dinner?,asked Anne.

"Yes,Anne," replied Diana.

Anne knocked on Spencer's door.

Spencer looked up from his reading and asked his aunt," Aunt Anne,are you mad at me?"

"No, Spencer, why did you ask?"

"I don't know if I believe in God."

" Spencer, I think being a Christian is wonderful, I chose to stay a Catholic Christian. I think it's a wonderful system of beliefs I have,but I'll never force them on you."

"Thanks, Aunt Anne."

"It's time for dinner."

"Ok, Aunt Anne."

During dinner, Anne made an effort to see how William and Spencer were. She sometimes felt that she didn't hear them talk about their lives as tended to talk to about Diana a lot.

"William, how is work?," Anne asked.

"It's going pretty well. There haven't been as many trials lately,that's been good. I love when there is not a high profile media circus. I'm not in it for the fame."

"I'm so glad to hear it, William. This city has such a bad reputation and I've always admired,that the many people you help aren't the rich and powerful, but the Jean Valjeans of Las Vegas."

"Oh, that's a bit of a stretch, but it sounds like something a Catholic sister passionate about social justice would say." William chuckled.

"It's not like he's Alan Dershowitz," piped up Spencer.

William's fork fell to his plate.

"Spencer,how much are you reading about famous crimes?" He knew his genius son liked to read about crimes and the FBI, but didn't realize he would casually bring up a celebrity lawyer who represented clients.

"Dad, I remember everything I read,remember I have an eidetic memory?"

"Yes, but it's not that violent, what you read is it?"

"Not really,it's more of a brief factual summary."

"Ok, little man. Yes, I'm only in Vegas because my law school friend invited me out to a nice, sunny dry climate to join a practice."

"Speaking of that, I haven't seen your partners in a long time. I think I could handle the next holiday party," said Diana.

"Oh,really honey? I'm glad to hear that. They'd all welcome you, you know."

I remember them as nice, but last time I was starting to relapse. I really like them,even though I was suspicious last time."

" Good, there is no need to be afraid."

"Anne,isn't there some hymn you like about that?" asked Diana.

"Yes, there is.

After dinner, William looked through Spencer's books on famous crimes,glad to find they were appropriate for someone reading at a 6th grade level.

"I'm so glad you want to reconnect with my firm and spouses,Diana," said William. Although he was understanding of her frequent desire not to do much outside her social group,it was kind of lonely, when she was unable at social events. Knowing that he and his partners worked with a number of mentally ill clients made him feel like it was a good group of people for her to be reintroduced to this holiday season.


	32. Chapter 32

Diana walked down the stairs nervously. It had been 3 years since she had attended William's office Christmas party. That time she was still somewhat paranoid and spent most of the time sitting by herself, afraid people didn't like her, because of her mental illness. It was a time she wanted to forget, but as someone with a severe mental illness who had constantly battled depression,had trouble expressing and feeling emotions and had low self esteem,life was still difficult. She walked over to William who was reading the newspaper.

"Does this dress make me look old?, Diana asked.

" You look just fine, Diana. It's refreshing to see a woman not wearing shoulder pads. You would think it was a requirement for any women entering the Clark County courthouse to wear them. You look great in that outfit."

"Thanks. I hope everyone will be kind."

" You are going to be surrounded by lots of people who get it. My colleagues and spouses are interested in mental health reform. They want to stop the stigma."

" Thank God,literally. Would you clasp this necklace,please?"

"No problem, honey. It's a beautiful crucifix."

" And my St. Dymphna medal is in my pocket."

" Wonderful."

A few minutes later Veronica had arrived to babysit Spencer, and Diana and William were at William's colleague's house.

"Do you find it amusing that your partner and his wife are Mary and Joseph and this is a Christmas party?, asked Diana getting out of the car.

"Yes, actually," replied William.

"William, Diana how nice to see you both. Come on in. Oh, Diana, what a beautiful crucifix," exclaimed Marry.

" Thank you. It was my grandmother's."

Once inside, William's law partner Joe shook hands with a firm grip. "William,Diana,nice to see you both."

William's other partner, John greeted the Reids. " William,Diana,it's great to see you."

" Is Barbara coming tonight?" Asked William.

" Her Honor just called. She's leaving the court. You know my wife's a judge now, Diana?" Asked John.

" Yes, I remember voting for her. It was a proud moment to vote for Clark County's first woman judge."

"First black woman judge,"said John.

"Of course," said Diana.

Mary walked by with a tray of food.

"Do you need any help?,"asked Diana.

"That would be wonderful, Diana. Come on back to the kitchen," Mary replied.

Once in the kitchen, Diana said,"I want to thank you for being so kind. I remember the last party I went to I wasn't feeling well. I was a poor guest. I'm sorry. I'm feeling quite well now, well for me. Crowds can be a bit much."

" Diana, you don't have to apologize. That's in the past and you didn't do anything wrong. If you need to break away, that's ok. I know you want to stay well. It's a good goal. Come in the kitchen if you need to,ok?"

" Thank you, I will."

A few minutes later, Barbara stepped in the room. As if on cue John began to say the lines from a 60's song. It was almost like a rap. "Here come da judge, here come da judge…"

" This isn't a comedy skit and you aren't in college anymore," Barbara stated rolling her eyes at her husband's attempt to be funny.

" I'm proud of you, dear," replied John.

"Thanks, honey. I just love adoptions at Christmas. A great way to end my day," Barbara replied.

" How lovely," said Diana.

"Dr. Diana Reid, how nice to see you again. I saw your former colleague the other day, Dr. Smith. Her Black American Literature class is real popular now," said Barbara.

" Loretta, she was nice,so nice to me. She tried to help me earlier, but oh well, I don't want to talk about that."

" I understand and you don't have to talk about it. You look great, how's that little professor of yours?"

Diana went on to make small talk about Spencer and other things for an hour. Then she felt it was time to leave. William didn't mind and was thankful that his colleagues wives gave Diana their numbers and told her she could call if she ever wanted someone else to talk to and get to know better. They both left the party very thankful.


	33. Chapter 33

Diana woke up, looked at the clock and groaned. She was having a pleasant dream for once,where she was about to meet Bob Dylan. William was getting ready for the day and greeted Diana.

"Merry Christmas Eve, or is it technically Christmas Eve day?"

" Oh, that's right. I can't believe I'm actually hosting something, William."

"You'll do fine tomorrow. The place looks great. We'll all pitch in and you won't have to worry."

" You are so kind, thank you. Well, I suppose I have to take my meds. I can think of this lower dosage as Christmas present. That is sarcasm," clarified Diana whose tone of voice was monotone most of the time. She agreed with the idea of a new,lower dosage,but like always had anxiety about a relapse, that anxiety never completely went away even when it lessened.

"Oh, Diana. I know change is difficult and we all wish you didn't have to experience side effects or Schizophrenia itself of course, but I'm hopeful about the new dosage."

" I try to be. All I want is a Merry Christmas."

"Me too my dear,me too."

William went to the kitchen to see his son standing on a chair,so he could reach the toaster.

"Spencer, that's dangerous,"he warned.

"How dangerous, Dad? Do you have any statistics?"

" No, I just don't want you to get hurt. Please come down. I will put your toast in the toaster."

Spencer pouted and got off the chair.

Diana walked into the kitchen and gave Spencer a hug and kiss.

"I'll get you your breakfast, baby," said Diana who proceeded to make Spencer's breakfast.

After doing some cleaning and icing the decorating the store bought gingerbread cookies, Diana went to wrap presents. Spencer went over to his friend Jeff's house.

"William, do you sometimes wish Spencer wasn't so bright?",asked Diana of William who was wrapping presents with Diana.

"It is difficult isn't it," William replied.

" I wanted to be the mother who could have her child believe in Santa. He figured out that wasn't real by the time he was 3."

" I understand, did your mom, let you believe?" Asked William.

" Well we celebrated the feast day of St. Nicholas, but she hated the commercialized Americanized Santa."

" By 9 I had my doubts, but then my brother confirmed my suspicion," explained William.

Later that evening, they drove up to Reno to attend Mass at their friend Fr. John's parish,while Spencer stayed home with Veronica.

After Mass they were able to talk to Fr. John and catch up a bit.

"So how's little Spencer?,"asked Fr. John.

"Brilliant and a self declared agnostic. I pray for him everyday. How is your sister?,"asked Diana of his sister,Joan who also had Schizophrenia.

" Doing very well. She believes she's making a difference by doing public speaking. She's still in Vegas,let me give you her number."

" I admire her,I'm doing better too, though I don't think I'll ever do public speaking. I have something else to tell you, but could you close the door,?" Asked Diana.

"Sure," said Fr. John closing the sacristy door.

" I'm taking the lowest dosage since my last hospitalization."

" Good, Diana. You are always in my prayers."

" Thank you for all you've done."

" You are quite welcome Diana. I know your faith will continue to help you."

" Have a blessed Christmas, Fr. John," said William.

" Same to both of you," said Father John.

By the time they returned home, Spencer was in bed and Veronica went to the airport to pick up her parents. Once they arrived at the Reid's everyone soon began to catch up. Diana hadn't seen Veronica's parents in years, but it was as if Maude and Eddie Murphy hadn't changed much. They were still passionate about the environment, mental health and overall disability advocacy and economic justice.

" I remember being so excited at the activism we saw when we were there. What did you like best about being in Madison?," asked Eddie.

"My professors,writing my dissertation and being with William, Veronica and my other friends," replied Diana.

"Brandy Old Fashioned Sweet, that was the best part of Law School. They don't know what they are in Vegas,"declared William.

"Really, William. It wasn't me defending my dissertation,or leading the students in the new Mass hymns?,"asked Diana.

"Or when we went to see that performance of Godspell,or when I invited you to a party, but didn't tell you most attendees were working for the Soglin campaign," said Veronica to her moderate Republican friend of the liberal mayor.

" Oh those were memorable for sure,but when I think back on those days, it makes me crave a Brandy old- Fashioned and cheese curds, not together of course," said William.

" Oh William, I know you value your education too. We've been talking for a while and I'd love to stay up later, but I'm so tired. I'm sorry. I hate being lethargic."

"That's alright, Diana. I've read lots and have had a friend's daughter at my parish disclose her diagnosis to me," said Maude.

" I see it all the time as a psychiatrist. I don't mind going back to Veronica's now. Do whatever you think is best for you,"said Eddie.

Diana went to sleep that night, glad that although her own parents never took the time to understand her illness, her friend's parents did. It was a Christmas blessing.


	34. Chapter 34

" I just can't believe it's Christmas Day and I'm hosting a small gathering. If you told me ten years ago,that I'd be free of hearing voices and feeling paranoid most of the time, well enough to host a small gathering,I'd think you were ill," remarked Diana.

" But it's how things are, and I'm glad they are that way," remarked William.

Spencer came running into the kitchen.

"Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad! Mom, you're making pancakes, something on the stove for breakfast. Are you having a good day?"

"Merry Christmas Spencer, I'm doing ok, so far. If you like pancakes this much, I'll try to make them more often."

" It's a sign of a good day, when you cook more."

"Spencer, remember your mother is more than her illness," said William a bit annoyed with his brilliant's son's desire to act like he part of Diana's support circle.

" I know, I'm just exited. When do we open presents?"

"After breakfast, would you like some eggnog,Spencer?," asked Diana.

" I'll get it, you just keep an eye on those pancakes," said William.

After breakfast, the family opened their gifts. Spencer loved his books and chemistry set and Diana loved painting of the holy family and book Mystics in the Catholic Church.

"William, how nice. You know me well."

"That I do my dear, no shoulder pads or gaudy jewelry for you, " He replied.

Spencer looked outside. " Aunt Anne just got here."

" Oh, good. I can get the door," said Diana.

"Merry Christmas, Diana, William and Spencer," said Anne

"Aunt Anne, I got some great Christmas gifts, " said Spencer who then began to monologue about the Star Wars and Star Trek books he'd received.

"That's wonderful,dear, but I need to put this pie in the refrigerator," said Anne.

" I love your chocolate cream pie, Anne," said William.

"Me too," said Diana.

A few minutes later, Diana was making green bean casserole, while William was doing the dishes. After putting the casserole in the oven, Diana and Anne sat and talked.

"I told you I'm on the lowest dose now,right?"

"Of the clozapine,yes. How do you feel?"

"Glad to be barely delusional and almost never hear voices."

" I asked you how you feel, I'm your sister who just happens to be a psychiatrist. I'm not looking for a clinical answer. Anne said gently.

" I think content, in a way. I just wish I could teach and research again. I never did have anything published."

" I understand. You do seem content, Diana. You have good friends and family and faith."

"Even if I can't bring myself to go to my former parish."

"Even then, Diana."

" William gave this to me for Christmas, " said Diana showing her sister the small painting of the holy family.

"Very nice, is this book new too,?" asked Anne gesturing to a book on the coffee table.

"From William. Veronica and her family will be here around noon."

" That's wonderful,"replied Anne.

A few hours later,Veronica and her parents arrived.

Diana was surprised to see Veronica's mother, Maude with a gift bag.

"Oh you didn't need to do that, Maude."

" I wanted to, it's for you,Diana."

"Oh.. well, thank you,then."

"Merry Christmas, Diana, William, and Spencer," greeted Veronica's father,Eddie.

" It's nice to meet you, well I actually met you at my baptism," declared Spencer.

" That you did,Spencer. I hear you are a very bright boy, remarked Eddie, trying to hold back laughter.

" I'm in the 6th grade."

" So I hear."

" I'll go check the food. William, could you get drinks?," asked Diana.

" Of course," replied William who then proceeded to tell the guests what drinks were available.

Anne walked into the kitchen with Diana , remarking, " Smells good, just like Mom used to make."

" I hated holidays once I had different opinions than her. I don't want to go there."

" Well then, smells like many American women for the last 30 years used to make."

" True, we used have green bean casserole at Newman dinners were nice, before I was sick."

" I'm sure."

" Thanks for stopping at the deli, to get the hot ham. Don't tell anyone it's from the deli."

" Diana,some people don't even have Christmas meals at home. I'm sure others have done this on Christmas Day."

"I suppose so, they all like me out there. They never judge me, so I don't have to worry."

"That's right Diana, you've been been working on that. It's nice to see more confidence."

"I seem more confident? Thank you." Diana took the casserole out of the oven, that had just beeped.

" You are very welcome. I think everything is ready."

During dinner, everyone had a chance to catch up. It had been years since Diana had seen Veronica's parents.

"So, what have you been up to?," asked Eddie.

"Well, I've been trying hard to get my life back together. I really have. It's so different from when grandma was ill," said Diana.

" I always remind Diana, it's not your grandma's treatment team anymore,"said Veronica.

" That's right, it's really changed since I was in medical school," said Eddie who was a psychiatrist.

" I have good family and friends, I like that. I'm so glad I can be with you this Christmas. But I'm sure William's life is more interesting than mine," said Diana.

"What are you doing with your life,Diana," asked Maude.

" Well,I never thought I'd be spend most of my days taking care the house, but I am. I go to a support group, therapy for my mental health,exercise,spend time with Veronica and other friends."

" You were such an advocate as a student, any of that going on?," asked Maude.

"I'm a self advocate. I can tell people how to help me. It can be hard,but important."

"Very important,I often tell my patients how it is important to speak up for themselves," said Eddie.

" Good, William helps a lot of people struggling too,"said Diana.

" Oh, what is your client base like?, asked Eddie.

" A lot of my clients are mentally ill or disadvantaged,mostly misdemeanors,lots of clients have family who pay their loved ones legal bills, some pay reduced fees and I do some pro bono work as well."

" Sounds very admirable."

"Thank you."

" Any business related to the Strip?," asked Eddie.

" Nothing with the entertainment industry directly."

" Last week, there was a case where a man with a delusion thought he was Elvis and he punched an Elvis impersonator. My Dad said that the man with the delusion was a better sounding singer than the impersonator,"said Spencer, while everyone laughed or smiled at the amusing story.

" How do you like school,Spencer? Asked Maude.

" The academics are somewhat challenging, but I don't like the social aspects."

"A mutual friend of Diana's and mine has a son in 6th grade who keeps an eye on Spencer," said Veronica.

" Jeff, he's a sweet boy," remarked Diana.

After dinner, the group went to the living room. Diana was touched at Maude's gift, Women in the American Catholic Church: A History. This is wonderful, very thoughtful, but I'm a slow reader these days," said Diana.

" That's your time. I knew you'd be excited about it. You'll love it."

As Veronica and her parents left, Diana was very relieved the day went well and very thankful for her friends.

" We must see eachother again," declared Diana.

"Oh, I'm sure you will once I retire, Diana. You are a great person, very much like the young college lady I met years ago. Keep on persevering and Merry Christmas," said Eddie.

"Merry Christmas,Diana. You are always in my prayers," said Maude.

After exchanging hugs and seeing everyone out the door,Diana was ,William and Anne volunteered to do kitchen clean up and Diana relaxed before bed, thanking God for the best Christmas she had in years.


	35. Chapter 35

" 1988, my goodness, the 70s seem like another lifetime ago, don't they William?," said Diana sipping sparkling grape juice on New Year's Eve of 1987.

"It does seem long ago,before Spencer."

"Yes," Diana replied.

" It's been a good year. Some ups and downs, but I'd say more ups than downs, my dear."

"Oh, William. You are so positive, I try, I really do."

"It's not easy, but important for all of us to be positive."

" I feel better with people who are positive."

" Good, I think we all do."

"I'm not sure I believe in New Year's resolutions, but I hope to try something different this year," said Diana.

" Good, remember that even the smallest things are accomplishments to be proud of," replied William.

" So I've been told for years, although life is awfully hard when you have what I do."

" Hard, but not impossible. 10 years ago, I never thought you'd be where you are today.'

" But here I am, with reduced symptoms, a son and the ever persistent question,what the hell am I supposed to be doing?"

" Taking it one step at a time."

Diana put. her head on William's shoulder, enjoying the peaceful and tender moment.

" William, will you still love me,when I'm no longer young and beautiful?" asked Diana.

" You know I will,honey. If Spencer wasn't sleeping in the next room,I'd be singing Love Me Tender."

" You know what the best part about this lower dosage is?", asked ,Diana.

"What?", asked William.

" This," said Diana as she began to passionately kiss William. William agreed, greatful for a wonderful way to ring in the new year.

The next morning they heard the Spencer jump out of his bed.

" Put a shirt on William, and get my bathrobe. We don't want prying eyes," said Diana.

" Oh, crap!" William worked fast hoping Spencer wouldn't open the door.

As soon as they were presentable Spencer knocked on the door.

" Come in,Spencer," said Diana.

"Happy New Year Mom and Dad!"

" Happy New Year,honey,"said Diana.

" Happy New Year, little man," said William.

" Next New Year's Day, I'll be 7 years old!," declared Spencer.

" Spencer, would you like to make pancakes today?," asked Diana.

" You feel up to it today?"

" I do, Spencer," replied Diana.

Spencer began jumping up and down excitedly.

"Let me get ready. You get ready too, Spencer," said Diana.

After Spencer left, William told Diana," Don't ever let him pressure you into doing anything that's too stressful."

" I really think my brain is up to it, today."

" Wonderful, my dear!"

" I didn't say it was therapeutic or that I plan on becoming a happy homemaker."

" I understand, Diana. Have fun with Spencer. I'm working from home for a few hours. I'll go back to the office tomorrow."

"I'll manage."

" Of course you will."

A few minutes later the family was eating breakfast together and Diana cleaned the kitchen to sacred vocal music. She knew it was going to be a good day.

After Spencer went to play with his friend, Jeff, Diana went on a walk with Veronica.

" Have any New Year's resolutions, Diana?," asked Veronica as they walked.

" I'm going to register at the parish my sister attends."

" That's wonderful. I hope you find an empathetic community there. I've been there for a few years. The priest is a genuine, Christ like man. Your sister and I can introduce you to people there."

" Yes, good people to connect me with people." Diana remembered that it was ok to take things as slow or fast as she felt was best. It was over a year since her last hospitalization and she didn't think she'd ever be a full time academic, but prayed for eventual part time employment and some meaningful volunteer work.

" It's large, but friendly. You'll enjoy it. I'm friends with the deacon and his wife. She's wonderful, about your age."

" Anne told me about her. She used to be a psychiatric nurse."

" Yes. Her name is Maureen and her husband is Paul. I'm sure they'd be happy to get to know you."

" New friends sound nice. Maybe I'll strike up the courage to cantor or lector, but maybe a small group would be a good idea first," said Diana.

" If and I mean if, no pressure here, you want to think about employment, I have a recommendation for a good agency that could help you find and keep a job."

" I'll think about it..Maybe," said Diana hesitantly.

" I just remembered, Maureen and Paul are throwing a small gathering tonight. Would you like to come?"

" I.. I think so. Is there a place to hide if I need a break?"

" We can leave as early as you want, but by all means, feel free to recharge if you need to."

" Thank you," said Diana. She knew 1988 was going to be a good year and prayed the party would go well.


	36. Chapter 36

"So, who's going to be at this party?," asked Diana,nervously twirling around her rosary ring, a mini rosary in the shape of a ring and holding on to William's hand with the other.

" Oh,a few people our age, mostly married with kids," said Veronica with what Diana thought was a hint of sadness.

"Is, that sadness, I hear?," asked Diana, a little bit concerned about her usually positive friend.

" I'll be alright. Being single sometimes is lonely,but the friendship of people like you and my friend Maureen helps."

" Good, these friends, are they… accepting?" asked Diana.

" The hosts are great. I'm not sure who they've all invited though," replied Veronica.

" I don't connect with a lot of Catholic mothers, well stay at home ones, even though I am one," said Diana.

" Well hopefully you'll find someone to connect with tonight," said William giving his wife's hand a gentle squeeze.

" How many people will be there?," asked Diana.

Oh, probably two other couples besides the hostess," replied Veronica.

" Good," said Diana who did not want to get anxious and overstimulated with a large crowd.

The hostess,Maureen Smith immediately put Diana at ease. She was casual and not preppy. Her husband,Paul who seemed as equally kind. Then Diana saw a preppy looking pregnant woman with a beautiful smile and perfect teeth. She felt very self conscious and said a quick quiet prayer before being approached by the happy couple.

" Hi, I'm Monica Jones and this is my husband Tom, no relation to the singer of course," She laughed a high pitch girly laugh. Diana wanted to roll her eyes.

" Diana Reid and my husband William," said Diana gesturing to William.

Veronica had met the Jones family before and didn't know they'd be there tonight. She knew they would not jive well with William and Diana, they didn't usually surround themselves by people who were that different from them and were very conventional,traditional and could be off putting.

" Hey, everyone!," said a lively, short redhead who walked in with her tall husband.

" Hi, Liz and Rob!," said the hostess Maureen taking their coats.

" Hi,everyone, Veronica, are these friends of yours?," asked Rob.

"Yes, Rob and Liz Richards, meet William and Diana Reid," said Veronica thankful for their appearance. Liz was very empathetic to those who struggled with their mental health. She occasionally had bouts of depression and had a sister with what had been recently renamed Bipolar. She had also sponsored a young woman with anxiety and depression who became a Catholic when she converted a few years ago.

" Nice to meet you," said Rob who shook hands after his wife did.

" Are you new to Vegas?," asked Liz.

" We've been here since '75 but have registered at the parish at the recommendation of my sister in law, Sr. Anne Mccoy," explained William.

" Great, she's such an asset to our folk choir. She tells me she has a sister who likes to sing,is that you, Diana?," asked Liz.

" Yes, I also like to read. Maybe I'll lector."

" I love doing that. Liz cantors at Mass," said Rob.

After a spirited game of Trivial Pursuit, everyone was impressed at Diana's history and literary knowledge.

" Well, I do.. have a PhD in Literature, 15th century. I taught and did some research until.. I decided I.. needed a change and now I'm primarily a wife and mother," said Diana haltingly.

" That's as it should be!," exclaimed Monica.

" I'll work again someday, I.. think." Diana felt judged by an 80's version of June Cleaver. It wasn't her fault she wasn't an academic, it was that awful Schizophrenia's fault. She excused herself and went to the bathroom, emerging minutes later with a tear stained face. She wondered if her chances of befriending the friendly couples was gone. She soon left in tears, praying the Richards and Smiths would still be open to becoming friends.


	37. Chapter 37

The next few months went pretty well for Diana. She and William became great friends with the Smiths and Richards. She cantored, was a lector, distributed the Eucharist to parishioners at communion and was in a mental health support group at the parish, lead by her friend Maureen. It seemed to be going very well until Monica Jones approached her in June, after Mass.

" Diana, so this is why I haven't seen you. You go to Saturday vigil Mass! Kids, say hello to Mr. and Mrs. Reid. Where is your son?" The Jones family usually went on Sunday.

" He refuses to come, unfortunately," said Diana.

" That's a mortal sin," piped up a little Jones boy about Spencer's age.

"Johnny! That's not something we talk about to others. For who are we to judge. Isn't that right Tom?" said Monica flashing a smile at her husband.

"Yes it is, my dear. Sorry about my son," said Tom.

" No problem," said William.

" I'm starting a book club of the book, Fascinating Womanhood. Have your heard of it?," asked Monica.

"Yes, I have," replied Diana.

" You should join us!"

" I don't agree with it."

" Oh, don't you? What does your husband think of it?"

" It just isn't my cup of tea, Monica," said William who was a little surprised that this woman was so into traditional gender roles, that she thought it was his duty to convince his wife to read a book.

" Oh, well. I'll pray your son comes to church," said Monica.

" So do I, Monica," replied Diana with a hint of anger.

As they were walking out the door, their friends Liz and Rob approached with their teenage daughters.

" Hi William, Diana, how's Spencer?,"asked 16 year old Lucy.

" He's all right, he just loved those Star Wars novels you gave him," replied William.

" You,ok Diana you look upset," asked Liz.

" I was talking with Monica Jones."

" Oh, she's a talker."

" Not when someone disagrees with her. She seemed very taken aback that Diana and I didn't agree about that book she's pushing," said William.

" Oh, that book, that makes her look like a Stepford wife," said 18 year old Julia.

" Like my mother used to be, before she found a traditionalist cult," said Diana.

" Oh my gosh,I'm didn't know, Diana. On a lighter note, want to get coffee after daily Mass on Friday?," asked Liz.

" Yes, I would, very much. It's good that there are people like you. You must have been a wonderful sponsor," said Diana.

"Thanks, Diana. I'll let you know when Anna comes down from Reno again. She's just great," said Liz of the young lady she sponsored.

" Sounds good. See you Friday."

"Yes, bye," said Liz.

Once in the car Diana asked Veronica," Do you think Monica is manic?"

" No, that's just her personality. She told me a lot of her college friends were like that too. She went to a pretty conservative Catholic school, and is really interested in homeschooling and isn't good at agreeing to disagree and says she's on fire for Jesus, but it's rather off putting isn't it?" replied Veronica.

" Oh, yes, just like my parents," replied Diana.

" She's harmless though. She means well."

" I know I should believe you. Pray I do."

" Diana if you start feeling off and/ or keep on thinking about her and how she makes you feel, please let me know,ok, honey," said William.

" Liz and her family should be considered part of my support group. If anything happens to me, I'd want their help," said Diana.

" That's a great idea," said William.

" Diana, Monica doesn't have to be a part of your life. I'm glad you firmly, but politely declined her offer today," said Veronica.

" I don't need to hang out with those who make me uncomfortable," said Diana.

" That's right, you don't. I'll see you tomorrow, ok? Have a good day, you two."

" Veronica, thanks for everything. I'm so glad you moved to Vegas before my first hospitalization. It helps me feel better knowing you'll always be here." Diana got out to hug, her friend who had arrived at her apartment.

" Thanks, Diana, I'm not going anywhere and neither is the Lord," said Veronica.

" Or me, not to say I'm God, because I'm not," said William putting his arm around his wife's shoulder.

" Oh, William," said Diana who then rolled her eyes and flashed a smile.

Spencer as usual was having fun geeking out with his friend Jeff, his friend/ babysitter from next door.

After Jeff left Spencer asked, " Hey Mom, did your belief in the real presence comfort you, the homily comfort or inspire you?," asked Spencer.

" Yes, honey. Thanks for asking. That's very considerate."

" It's important to ask about how others feel. That's what they say in my social skills group," said Spencer.

" Thanks for using what you've learned, Spencer," said William.

" William,we need to write that homily quote down,"said Diana.

" Yes, ' I may not be where I want to be, but I thank God I'm not where I used to be.'" Said William as Diana wrote it down taping it to the bedroom door.

After Spencer went to bed, Diana asked William, " Is it right for me to cut Monica from my life?"

" Yes, it is. If you see her and she says something that makes you feel uncomfortable, you can leave or change the topic. You don't need that stress."

" No, She gives me a bad feeling. I'm not sure if it's paranoia or not."

" Keep the communication open about it with me, ok. We have that relapse prevention plan to consult, ok?"

" Ok, William. I love you so much. Don't ever leave me."

" I won't, Diana. Want me to make us some herbal tea?"

" Please."

They sat together in quiet praying, before sipping their teas and snuggling . Both felt a few minutes of peace. Two weeks latter, that peace was hard to find.


	38. Chapter 38

Two weeks later, Diana had tried to do everything right to help her fight off her continued lack of sleep and feelings of paranoia, but things were getting worse, especially when the Jones family moved across the street. Her friends and family tried to help,intervention wasn't helping well. The day of Spencer's 7th birthday, her auditory hallucinations she had been hearing for a week had increased in volume. The new dosage of medication wasn't working. Diana was terrified when she woke up that morning.

" William! They're louder!"

" You can't trust her. Stepford wife , She's a Stepford wife. Be careful, watch out," heard Diana.

" What's louder, honey,"? said William in the calmest voice he could manage.

" The voices, not real, not real, must ignore, must ignore, right William?"

" Yes, honey."

She fought the voices as she got ready for the day, fighting for her grip on reality. Then the doorbell rang,it was Monica Jones, with a tray of cookies. William answered.

" Hello, Monica."

" Tell Spencer I said Happy Birthday. Sister Anne mentioned it at prayer group. Is Diana available?"

" No, she's not. I'm sorry, but I have to go." Willam put the cookies away and walked to the bedroom.

" No, No, No! She's not a Stepford wife. I'll never be one, no, no!" Diana was punching her pillow. Just then Spencer walked in the room.

" Spencer, it's your birthday. I can't let you down," exclaimed Diana.

" Mom you don't sound well. I can have another party," said Spencer.

" He's right honey. What's going on?", asked William.

" They say she's a Stepford wife, she and Tom can turn me into one."

" Spencer, please get ready to go to Jeff's house, no arguing," said William.

Spencer knew his dad meant business and hoped his mom would stay safe.

" I'm going to call your psychiatrist," said William.

" My meds, oh God please make them work and my sleep medication, need more sleep."

" Diana, I'm going to get you a PRN for anxiety and your morning medication. But first call your psychiatrist."

" I am not a robot, not a robot."

" No, oh honey, can I give you a hug?"

" Please!"

" We'll get through this, dear. Kiss?"

" Please!"

" Want your Walkman?"

" Yes."

Once Diana was settled. William called her psychiatrist and everyone on her support list invited to a birthday party that wasn't going to happen. To the newer friends, he was vague. But Anne, Veronica and Jeff's mom Anna knew Diana's symptoms had escalated. This was spelled out in the relapse prevention plan he created with Diana and her treatment team.

" Diana, Diana.." William waved his hand in front of her face, afraid a touch may startle her.

" Help!" She replied.

"Here are your meds. Would you like to try to sleep?"

" Yes, sleep."

After some sleep, Diana woke up stiff. It was a side effect of the antipsychotic medication, but her mind jumped to another conclusion. She had become a Stepford wife, looking at a half eaten cookie she knew the cookie must have done it.

" William, save me!" She screamed.

" Diana? What's wrong?" William was sitting beside her in a chair.

" Stepford Wife, Stepford Wife," Voices chanted and snickered.

" I'm a Stepford wife, a robot!"

" You've thought that wasn't true before. How'd you think that happened?"

" Cookie, who made it?"

" A neighbor." William was mentally kicking himself for accepting the cookies from the happy homemaker.

" Monica!"

" Yes, so you think.."

" They had something in them that made me a robot!"

" Do you want to see your psychiatrist?"

" I trust her, Anne, Veronica, Anna, Fr. John, our new priest, and the Richards."

" Good, very good people to trust. Dr. Wilson is free now. Would you like me to confirm that you are ready to see her or do you want to go to the emergency room?," asked William keeping as calm as he could.

" Anne, I want Anne." Diana paced the bedroom.

" Here, or at the hospital?"

" Here and Veronica."

" Ok, I'm calling Veronica and the convent, now."

William began deep breathing and prayer as he dialed.

A few minutes later, Anne and Veronica were at the front door. Diana clung to Anne like her life depended on it and told her what she believed had happened.

" Diana,you seem terrified. That sounds so frightening. I think you should go to the hospital," suggested Anne.

" This can't be my body, no." Diana paced the room

" Diana, I agree with your sister. You should go to the hospital", said Veronica.

Diana was sobbing now. Her hands over her ears.

" Diana, let us help you, honey. Can you hear me?," asked William.

Diana nodded. " Don't let them see."

" Who, sweetheart?"

" The Joneses," whispered Diana.

Veronica looked out the window, the Jones family appeared not to be home. Thank God for small mercies, she thought.

" Don't leave me, anybody," said Diana.

" We won't we are here to help you," said Anne.

" Diana, do you want to hurt yourself?," asked Veronica.

" Become human again, deprogram."

" A doctor can help you feel better," said Anne.

" Good doctor, safe doctor, must trust," replied Diana with much effort.

" I trust the hospital very much. I work there," said Anne.

" I need a doctor now!," exclaimed Diana.

" Should we all go together?", asked Anne.

" Don't leave, anyone. All of us need to go together."

" You want me,Anne and Veronica to take you to St. Elizabeth's", clarified William.

" Yes. I need my rosary!"

" Ok, I'll get that. Veronica, can you get the med list?" asked Willam.

" I'll stay here with you until we are ready to leave. Should we pray together?" asked Anne.

" Pray for me. Hold my hand," said Diana,pleading.

" I will," said Anne.

At the Duran household, Spencer and his friend were playing Jenga. It was intense. Jeff was impressed with his young friend's skills.

" There is no way you are going to get that," said Jeff.

" That's just a guess. I have a small chance. I could get it," replied Spencer.

Slowly and cautiously, he removed the piece and it stayed.

" Awesome,Spencer!," said Jeff.

Just then the phone rang.

" I bet that's my Dad. Mom probably is going to the hospital," guessed Spencer.

When Jeff's mom, Anna told Spencer the news, he wished there was something he could do. Staying out of the way didn't feel like helping to Spencer, even if he knew it was. He hoped she'd be feeling better soon.


	39. Chapter 39

Chapter 39

" Diana, do you want to sit back here with me?," asked Anne.

"Yes ," Diana replied. Diana rested her head on Anne's shoulder,breathing heavily.

"Diana I'm going to sing a hymn you love, to calm you." She began to sing, Be Not Afraid.

Diana tried to use her coping techniques, tell herself she had control of her breathing, and to her amazement she could still do deep breathing. It helped make the car ride more bearable.

Anne took the opportunity to fill in her fellow sisters of what was going on.

"Sister Barbara, I'm calling from my brother in law's car phone. We are taking my sister to St. Elizabeth's. I'll walk on over to the convent as soon as I feel is best."

" I understand, let Diana know I'm praying for you. I'm here to talk, but I understand if all you need is a good cry too. You are a wonderful sibling to Diana, but dealing with severe mental illness can tough. Don't hesitate to join a support group yourself, Sister Anne."

" Thanks, spoken like a true social worker. Don't stay up for me ok?"

" I won't."

When they got to the Emergency room, the fairly new employee at registration was surprised to see Sr. Anne there, as she didn't think she had a shift tonight.

" Sr. Anne, isn't John the psychiatrist on duty tonight?"

" Yes, Julie. I'm here as a family member right now." She resisted the urge to roll her eyes and gave the receptionist a gentle smile.

" My sister loves me. She wants to help me," said Diana a bit defensively.

" I see. What's your emergency?", asked Julie.

" I don't want to be a robot anymore," said Diana.

" Do you need to see a psychiatrist?," asked Julie.

" Yes, Anne trusts them."

" Do you have plans to harm yourself or others?"

" Not if my friend and sister help me." This wasn't exactly a no and her response would be recorded as risk after another conversation with a nurse.

William verified the insurance information,submitted the updated medication list and Veronica and Anne gently lead Diana to the waiting area. They knew she needed distraction. They sat in view of the nurse's station and Diana anxiously recited prayers out loud, but often was distracted by her arms. She hadn't even heard or seen that her rosary and medal had been tucked away for safekeeping.

" Look at these, how can they be so stiff, Veronica?"

" It will be alright, Diana."

" I want to smash them," said Diana.

" Diana, I want you to stop looking at your arms. Can you do that for me?"," said Anne.

Veronica's eyes went to the nurses station and made eye contact with a nurse who nodded.

Diana slowly lifted her eyes and kept her arms at her side.

Anne quietly prayed that help would come soon and a bed was open that night.

Anne's prayers were answered. A few minutes later, a nurse came to the waiting area.

"Mrs. Reid?"

"Dr. Reid or Diana. I am more than an extension of my husband!," declared Diana.

" Diana, my name is Nancy. I'm an emergency room nurse. I'm going to take you to see the psychiatrist."

Anne had confidence in the newly hired weekend psychiatrist. Dr. John Lang was surprised to see his colleague enter the room.

" John, I'm not here as your colleague. This is my sister. If it makes you feel more comfortable, I'll ask my sister for permission to leave."

" Diana, l love you very much and I trust Dr. Lang very much. May I go pray in the chapel?"

" William and Veronica stay."

" We will, honey," said William.

Soon Sr. Anne was knocking on the chaplain's office door.

" Fr. Jim, it's been another one of those rough days. I need some Eucharistic adoration."

" I'll get Jesus out of the tabernacle and into the monstrance for you." Displaying the consecrated host, whom Catholics believe is Jesus is Eucharistic Adoration,was a favorite devotion of Sr. Anne's.

Diana was in tears as she told Dr. Lang about the voices she heard and the belief she was a robot. Nancy was outside the room in case intervention was needed.

" This neighbor she keeps mentioning is very pushy. If she were to see Diana here, I'd be afraid of what could happen between them," said William.

" I don't want to talk to her ever again," said Diana.

" I'll let staff know of your wishes," said Dr. Lang.

" I knew you knew she was dangerous, William!," declared Diana.

" I don't think it's good for you two to interact," replied William.

" I agree," said Veronica.

" Are you still feeling stiff, Dr. Reid?," asked Dr. Lang.

" Yes! It's because I'm a robot!"

" I can give you something to stop that feeling."

" Surgery! Please get me a surgeon. I beg you." Tears were streaming down Diana's face.

" I have medicine that can help you."

" Anti robot medication?"

" It's for those feelings that make you feel like a robot. I'd also like to run some other tests on you, to see if there anything else going on."

" You don't believe me?"

" We need to check,ok?"

" Anne trusts you, so I trust you. I still hear them and I still feel like a robot. So tired.. So tired."

" You're doing great, honey. Do you think you need someone with you to help you stay safe?," asked William.

" If they don't fix me, then I'll have to try myself," said Diana.

" Diana, if my supervisor says it's ok, I'll stay with you until we know what the next step is, ok," said Nancy who served as a patient sitter when they were short on staff.

" You just need your vital signs done and a count of your white blood cells. Then we can work on those robotic feelings and voices. I'm also concerned about your desire to hurt yourself," said Dr. Lang.

" I'll try not too, I'm scared of being a robot, but I think I trust you," replied Diana.

Although Diana wasn't extremely agitated or at a very high risk of hurting herself, she definitely needed sleep and medication that would help with the delusions and hallucinations as well as help side effects that made her robotic. She was too agitated and impaired to function outside of the hospital, for now. Hers was a difficult case. After years of trying to find the right treatment, she was on the medication that was known as a last resort, for those who experienced psychosis, almost 2 years of being on the lowest dose with no hospitalizations, and here she was back in the hospital again.

" Diana, I promise you we will be back. We are going to see Anne and grab some lunch,"said William.

" I believe you, Jesus is with me. Nancy you are staying,right?"

" Yes, I'll be taking your vitals and seeing that those labs are done."

Dr. Lang conferred with the ER doctor and soon Diana was set in an ER room too tired to fight anymore. After her labs,she fell asleep finally getting some rest. That night a room in the psych wing opened up. In Diana's mind, she was getting help becoming "human again", and she trusted everyone and with the help of medication was able to sleep the night.

William went home that night and held Spencer close. After Spencer went to bed he poured a drink,wept and prayed with all his might.


	40. Chapter 40

Chapter 40

Diana woke up knowing she was not at home. She was in a hospital gown. The sheets were different. Her clothes were on top of a dresser, but her rosary was nowhere in sight. She vaguely remembered last night, her interview, taking medications telling the psychiatrist she was a robot. Robot,was she a robot? She didn't feel as stiff. There was a knock on her door.

"Diana, it's Lisa. I'm your nursing assistant. I've come to see how you're doing."

" I was admitted to St. Elizabeth's last night. I don't feel as stiff anymore."

" Yes, you were. Good, it looks like the nurse gave you some medication to help with that."

" That helped. The voices still say I'm a robot!"

" I'm sorry to hear that. Your care team is posted on this board here."

" Is my sister here?",asked Diana peering in the hallway.

" Not that I know of."

" Is today, Sunday?"

" Yes."

" I need to go to Mass."

" Do you feel you want to hurt yourself?"

" No, where are my nurse and doctor?"

" They will be by today to talk about your stay here," explained Lisa.

" They are nice. I like them."

" Good."

After Mass and lunch, she talked more about what best helped her feel better.

" Talking helps me, but sometimes I can't talk. That scares me. They must be controlling what I say. I hate it," explained Diana to her nurse, Barb and social worker Mary.

" It looks like other times you've been here you liked sitting in silence too. That's ok. Sometimes I can sit here with you," said Barb looking at her file.

Just then there was a knock at the door.

" William, Anne!," said Diana as she sprang from her seat.

" You've come at a good time. We were getting Diana's input on how we can best help during her stay here," explained Mary to William and Sr. Anne.

" They want to help me! You came back. You want to help me too."

" Of course we do, honey," said William to his wife.

" What else makes you better when you are agitated?," asked Mary.

" Music. Not that horrid rock and rap though. Church music, protest music, soft pop, oh and show tunes."

" Diana was a double major as an undergrad vocal performance and English Literature," said William.

" All of those things taken away from me, if I'm still a homemaker robot. The voices are still there," Diana started sobbing.

" You are very articulate now, Diana. That's important. We are here to help you and keep you safe," said Mary.

" I want to not be afraid. I want the voices to go away. I don't want to be a robot," said Diana.

" Everyone here wants that for you Diana. You have to work on coping too. Together, William, Veronica I and the staff will help you improve," explained Sr. Anne.

" Your sister is right. Your doctor will come soon, to talk about medication. Then you will have group and individual therapy and recreation time," said Barb.

" The psych unit, I'm in the psych unit. I've been here before. Monica must have done something with my brain," exclaimed Diana.

" Monica is the person you don't want contact with?," asked Mary looking at Diana's file.

" Yes!"

" We will make sure that she can't upset you anymore while you are here," said Mary.

" In the psych unit again, God help me. I want my rosary. Did I tell them it was a weapon of prayer, is that why they took it?"

" Diana, we don't want you to hurt yourself.," said Barb.

" I thought all this treatment was to make me a human again!"

" Diana, this treatment is supposed to help you. Our unit will help you. We know you must feel frightened and want to feel like you did, when you were feeling better. As discussed earlier, the doctor will find medication,suggest therapy, other coping skills and whatever continued support you think you need in the community to be you, not feeling like a robot. I will make sure you have what you need when you leave here,"said Mary.

" Good, you can fix whatever Monica did to me."

" What do you think she did, Diana?," asked Barb.

" Turn me into a Stepford wife."

" That will be a good thing to talk to the psychologist about," said Mary.

" Good, like in the book. William, is Spencer ok?"

" Yes, Diana. You don't need to worry about him."

Dr. Lang walked in and they began discussing symptoms and gathered a full picture of Diana's present state, all except Anne, who did the ethical thing of bowing out again.

Later in the day, Spencer called Diana.

" It's Spencer,Mom."

" Oh, Spencer! Are you ok,honey?"

" I'm doing fine. I'm at home with Dad. I want you to get better."

" Oh, Spencer, I'm so glad you are safe. I'm safe too and I miss you."

" I do too, Mom, but you need help."

" They want to help me here. I'm taking a higher dosage now. It's like all the other times I was here. I'm in the psych unit."

" I know,Mom."

" They think it's my brain,but it's so real."

" So real to you, Mom."

"Not for you? Oh, thank God."

" No, not for me, Mom. I'll be thinking of you. You use what always makes you feel better ok, like prayer or music."

" You think I'll feel better, how sweet, how kind. I love you."

" I love you too,Mom. Bye."

"Bye,honey."

At the Reid house,William told his Spencer," That was just what your Mom needed, calm and no rambling. Great job."

" Thanks Dad. I hope the delusion and auditory hallucinations go away soon."

"Me too, Spencer,me too. Go finish your homework, ok?"

"Ok, Dad."

William was so thankful that Spencer was taking this as well as he was.


	41. Chapter 41

" Side effects make me feel like a robot, side effects make me feel like a robot," muttered Diana two days later as she drew with a passion working on art therapy.

" I felt like a robot after my husband died. That's why I tried to kill myself," said another patient, Carol.

" Guess what, I'm not a robot. I'm trying to figure out if I'm the messiah or not," said another patient, Joe.

" What are you drawing,Diana?," asked Angela, the art therapist.

" This is what my voices say I'm like, and this is who I want to be." Diana drew a picture of her looking like a happy homemaker chained to a vacuum cleaner. The other picture was a picture of her in front of her office door with her name, title and family.

" Wow, that's quite detailed,Diana. Great way to show your dream."

" I want to teach and publish again."

" I hope you will, Diana."

"Diana, you have a visitor," said her nurse,Barb who entered the room with Fr. John.

" Fr. John.. Is it really you?"

" Yes, Diana. It is. You look exhausted and distressed. Would you like a hug?"

"Yes," said Diana running into his open arms. Tears began to fall.

" I'm praying for you,Diana. How about we find a quiet corner?" He gently lead her to some chairs in the corner of the room.

" I made this," said Diana showing him the drawing.

Fr. John looked at the drawing and gently smiled.

" How frightening on one side, but hopeful on the other is hope. Jesus is with you Diana."

Diana began to pray the Our Father and Fr. John joined in.

" You've been crying,Diana. May I wipe your tears?"

" Loud.. Voices.. What,Father?" She stared at his lips trying to concentrate on his words.

" Here is a handkerchief. May I wipe your tears,?"

" Yes."

He did so and the corners of Diana's lips turned slightly upward in thanks.

" Are you tired, Diana?," asked Fr. John.

" Yes," replied Diana.

"I'm going to leave then."

" Ok, goodbye," said Diana.

" Be not afraid, friend," said Fr. John.

On the way out of the hospital, Fr. John ran into William.

"She's exhausted and emotional. I think she needs your love right now," said Fr. John.

William and Diana sat together and he sang what they called our song, Diana, by Paul Anka.


	42. Chapter 42

William sat in a nondescript church meeting room, clutching a styrofoam cup of decaf coffee, mindlessly taping his foot, waiting for the meeting of a support group called spouses with severe mental illness to start.

" Good afternoon everyone," said the facilitator Marge.

"Good afternoon," replied the group.

" We start off this group by making introductions. Anyone new, feel free to introduce yourself sharing as much as you feel comfortable."

" I'm Al, a social worker by trade who decided even a social worker needs a support group. My wife has Schizophrenia," said a man who looked to be a few years older than William.

" Hi Al," said the group.

They soon began sharing any updates they wanted to share.

" My wife is back in the hospital again. She was doing so well, doing everything "right",but a stressful person whose world view isn't hers was really getting to her. Her insight to the decline was there,for awhile, but then the full blown psychosis came and she believed the voices again. It was heartbreaking, my strong willed, independent, feminist wife believed the happy homemaker neighbor and her husband turned her into a Stepford wife," said William.

" How'd that make you feel?", asked Marge.

" Like I wanted to take it away from her. Like I wanted to yell at her neighbor to go back to her like minded friends and stop judging my wife for not being the perfect Catholic trad housewife she thinks she is. I didn't. I prayed for her. The woman has a toxic personality and needs help."

" You know, it's not that simple unfortunately. You can't place all the blame on this woman. We'll never know the why of the delusions. My wife thought I was the devil and I'm a devout member of my parish, with a desire to do good since childhood. She was violent at Mass when I was distributing the Eucharist and I was so broken, had some nightmares, but my counselor helped me realized dwelling on the why of the content will only bring me more grief," said Al.

" Wow, you are so brave to share that with people you've never met. Thanks for sharing. I can't imagine what that's like, but I know I struggle with the why," said a group member,Susan.

William thought this was a guy he definitely should get to know better. After group was over, he went to talk to Al more.

" Would you like to get dinner? I already have a sitter for my son lined up tonight," said William.

" Sure, my wife has dinner plans with a friend from her support group and my daughter is babysitting tonight. Want to go the restaurant at my golf course?," asked Al.

" Sure," replied William.

They soon discovered they lived in the same neighborhood.

" Your story in support group gave me chills. Thanks for being so open. I'm sure you help people express themselves all the time as a social worker. So tell me a bit more about yourself," said William.

" Well, my wife and I are from southwest Michigan. We met when I was at Notre Dame, she the all girls college across the road, right before Notre Dame allowed women undergrad students. I went to grad school at Purdue with my wife,was in charge of a county program for those with severe mental illness in the community, then a college friend told me of an opening here in Vegas and I recently was promoted to chair of the Social Work department."

" Congrats. My wife Diana and I met at her high school graduation Mass. Then we went to Kent State and UW Madison together. I came out here to work in criminal law and now have a large client base with mental illness. Not as much high profile cases anymore. I didn't have much time for my wife and son and needed to change that."

" How old is your son?," asked Al.

" 7 going on 27. He's what our friend and his gifted and talented teacher calls twice exceptional. He's extremely bright and has mild autism."

" My daughter wants to work with children with disabilities."

" Good for her. How old is she?"

" 18, a freshman in college."

" So Al, the incident you mentioned in group, how did the priest handle it?," asked William hoping they could find another stigma stopping priest to know.

" Wonderfully, he was going to be a psychiatrist, but entered formation to the priesthood after medical school. He and a social worker Sister sat with her until the ambulance got there, reached her when I couldn't. Some parishioners have shunned her, but others have been wonderfully supportive."

" Was that Sr. Barbara at St. Peter's parish? That's where we go."

" It was and it was Fr. Joe who helped her."

" Oh, thank God! I must have him visit Diana. Is your wife in the support group at church?"

"Yes. Tell her Cindy's husband is praying for her."

" I will. The four of us should do dinner when Diana is up for that again."

" So I'm assuming your wife used to work?"

" She was an English professor at University of Nevada- Las Vegas."

" My wife was a reference librarian there. She works part time at a used bookstore near campus now. The owner is just wonderful. There is mental illness in his family, so he gets what it's like."

" Diana would love a job like that. She wants to teach and research again, but if she continues to relapse, I don't think that will ever be an option. I could see her tutoring students though," said William.

" Sounds wonderful. I hope she does find a job eventually."

"Thanks, I have to go to the hospital as soon as we finish dinner. I'm calling the nurses station on my car phone. Diana tends to get agitated the later she hears from me."

" Totally understandable. Do what you need to do," said Al.

Later that evening Diana was pacing the halls waiting for William's visit. She knocked on her sister's office door.

" Diana, is something wrong?",asked Sr. Anne.

"I want William."

" Let's go find Barb,ok?"

" He called her."

" Tonight?," asked Sr. Anne.

" Yes."

" Barb should be at the nurse's station. I'll walk with you. I'm going home, now."

" Diana, I was wondering where you went. I'm glad you are with your sister.," said Barb finishing some charting.

" Where is William?"

" Let's sit…" Just then a buzzer rang. " Acute psychiatric unit, this is Barb. I'll be right there William. See, Diana, he's here."

" Goodnight, Diana. I'll see you tomorrow," said Sr. Anne.

" He's here!" Diana almost shouted.

" Yes, now you go find a seat and I'll bring him to you,ok? suggested Barb.

" Ok," responded Diana.

A minute later, Diana looked up and saw William.

" You came. You still want me."

"Oh, Diana. I'm sorry I was later than usual, I was talking to a new friend."

" The voices are a little softer. I don't feel like a robot. But I'm so drowsy and have headaches . Do you think Monica is trying to kill me?"

" No sweetheart, we just need to wait and see if those side effects lessen. You are slowly getting better."

Diana put her head on William's shoulder praying for things to get better. William knew they would get better slowly and surely.


	43. Chapter 43

" I've always loved Diana from the moment we met. She was smart, witty, strong willed, passionate about her interests even if we didn't agree on all of them. Now I tell her when she's well that she reminds me of the woman I married and she does, but after every episode, every recovery period, I'm her caregiver, like a parent. Our roles are so blurred. It's so hard," said William to his friend Al.

" It is,especially with a child. Do you ever get some respite? I must confess, I'm a bit jealous of your having a psychiatrist sister in law and another one who is a family friend,"said Al.

" I do. Sometimes I tell Diana, I'm stressed, need to go away. I'll go to this retreat center. It's so peaceful there. I'll pray, read, journal, cry, crank up the car radio on the way there. I'll give you the name of the place if you like."

" I drive to California, stay with a cousin. We talk, drink, laugh cry, lounge on the beach, rent movies my wife hates."

" I do that when she's in the hospital. Spencer and I sit there with popcorn, quoting Star Wars or Star Trek as we watch. I crank up the Joan Jett sing at the top of my lungs or Twisted Sister's We're Not Gonna Take It. It helps for a while but then I cry again," said William.

" Well that's life and sounds like a pretty healthy way to regulate your emotions."

" Spoken like a true social worker. Do the Christmas cards get to you? Happy, "normal" families, trips to Disney, wife who runs marathons, works 40 hours a week, cleans the house and makes it to every soccer game and has girl's night out kind of thing?"

" Does it get to you? It actually sounds freaking exhausting!"

" A bit. It feels like they are bragging. I'm just glad Diana's insight is so well. She wants to do whatever she can to get better. No matter how sick she is. And the memory aids help us both. I like writing schedules and checklists myself, make the time to do it and realize that a few minutes less of free time is worth it if it's to help the family function."

" Cindy hates the support. Whenever she is struggling and I remind her to do a self care she tends to get upset."

" Makes you wish you could hire a live in nurse sometimes,"? Asked William.

" Yeah, it does. I'm glad to be talking with someone who knows the feeling. I'm praying for you all, William."

" Thanks Al. These aren't my favorite ways to use vacation time, but Diana needs some help getting that structure she has in the hospital in place at home."

" Been there, done that. You hang in there ok?"

" Will do my friend, have a good night," said William walking Al to the door.

Diana was surprised when she heard that her friend Liz Richards was coming by after dinner. When Liz saw Diana she thought she looked mentally and physically exhausted, but also some spark in her tired eyes.

" Diana, may I give you a hug?"

"Yes. Liz, William told you and you came.. I um, didn't think you would want to."

" I came to see you as a friend. I visit friends whatever part of the hospital they are in."

" I'm going home tomorrow. Let's sit down." Diana went to the seats where she liked to sit with visitors.

" How can I help you when you leave?" asked Liz.

" I like your cookies and going to adoration. Adoration quiets the voices." Diana looked down as if ashamed.

" My sister hears voices sometimes too. I understand."

" The poor woman. I, need to tell myself I'm not a robot."

" No, you aren't. Be gentle with yourself, be patient and know God's love is holding you."

" You sound like my sister."

" She's a great woman."

" Yes. Pray Monica doesn't come."

" I'm sorry she upset you. You can stay away from certain people. That's ok."

" She's not a robot."

" No. Would you like to sing some hymns?"

" I like to sing hymns. What did we sing about God holding us, a few weeks ago?"

Hold you in the palm of his hand? That's Eagle's Wings. Do you want to sing that?"

Diana nodded. They began to sing and Diana felt some peace.


	44. Chapter 44

" I did it. I got all my morning self cares done before noon. I'm not helpless," said Diana walking into the living room. William put down his book and kissed his wife on the cheek.

" Nope, you aren't helpless. You look good, honey," said William.

" I feel crappy,worn out. Why can't they move?," asked Diana.

" What feels wrong, Diana?"

" It's like foggy."

"Your brain?"

" Yes."

"Have a seat. Why can't who move, Diana?"

" The rude neighbors."

" I can't make them move."

" I want caffeine,real coffee. Darn sensitivity." She had trouble tolerating caffeine ,when on a higher dose of medication.

" Please think of working on coping skills. I want to help you, Diana."

Spencer walked into the room. " Hey,Mom. Dad made decaf coffee. I think mine needs more sugar."

" He'll become addicted!," exclaimed Diana.

" Spencer, no more than two packets of sugar," said William. Dear Lord, how many family member's dental hygiene do I have to worry about, thought William.

Spencer handed his mom a cup of decaf. She put her head on William's shoulder and prayed, God, help me.

" I have some mail for you, catalogues,newspapers and a few magazines," said William.

" Do you think I need to wear makeup?," asked Diana.

" What did I just say,Diana?"

" I don't want to read."

" You look fine."

" So much to do, so little energy it's overwhelming." Diana began rubbing her temple.

"Headache?, want a massage?,"asked William.

Diana noodded and relaxed as William massaged her temple.

" Today is Saturday," said Diana.

"Yes. Do you want to go to Mass tonight?"

" Yes." Diana thought it would give her peace.

That evening, she was pleasantly surprised to see her friend Cindy and her husband in the pew behind her.

During the passing of the peace, her friend gently squeezed her hand and said,"Peace friend, so good to see you here."

As she left the church ,Fr. Joe said," Good to see you,Diana."

" Thank you for visiting me. I'm so glad you are understanding." She knew it was good to have him and Fr. John in her life.

" You are very welcome, Diana."

" Diana, the cookies are in my car. I made some chicken salad too. We can drop it off at the house," said Liz upon spotting Diana.

" Hi Liz. Thank you for visiting."

" You are welcome. If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask," said Liz.

" So much kindness from people. Not pity, thank you."

" You are very welcome."

" We are always praying for you, Diana, your whole family," said Rob.

" I.. I don't have to worry about dinner," said Diana as the realization dawned on her.

" That's a nice feeling when you aren't feeling up to it isn't it?," said Liz.

" Yes,"said Diana.

Spencer as usual was concerned about his Mom. He was happy to have the family friend's cookies, but more happy that she was able to take a break from cooking and ease into her life back home. He was always concerned about what doing too much could do to his mom.

" Thanks for cooking, Mrs. Richards. My mom seems pretty lethargic still," said Spencer.

" Oh, that vocabulary of yours, Spencer. It never ceases to amaze me," said Liz.

" I like having kind friends. There seems to be so much I should thank you for. I'm not sure I can list it all," said Diana.

" I know you are very thankful, Diana, for all the help we've been giving you. If either of you need anything, just call."

" We will. Thanks, you two," said William.

After dinner, Diana loaded the dishwasher and wiped down the counters and table She looked at the checklists and reminders in the kitchens and sighed.

" Thank goodness I have an organized husband."

" We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I don't mind making lists, it helps my mind to stay organized," said William.

" Spencer, I want you to help me keep things tidy too,ok?," said Diana.

" I will and I'll try not to talk too much. I'll just squeeze this stress ball or work on my Rubicks Cube if I need too," replied Spencer.

" Thank you, honey."

Later that night after saying goodnight to Spencer, Diana asked," Did you get the laundry out of the dryer, William?"

" Yes, Diana. Remember, we are a team. You don't have to take on everything. It's in the laundry room everything is folded and on hangers."

" Good, I don't have energy now, but I can put my clothes away."

" Just remember I'm not like your father, when it comes to housework. I'll always pitch in and do housework."

" Good," replied Diana. She was overwhelmed,exhausted and just wished her brain could tune out all the thoughts in her head. She remembered a phrase used in an outpatient program she attended. " Recovery can be slow and that's ok." She prayed for peace and help acceptance of how she felt.


	45. Chapter 45

"It's so hard," said Diana drinking decaf coffee with her friend, Veronica, at their weekly Wednesday coffee date.

" What's hard, Diana?,"asked Veronica.

" Not doing too much, but not doing nothing. Being sick is exhausting!"

" You want to find the right balance without getting too tired?"

" Yes."

" Well, I'm glad you were able to join me for coffee again,so soon after leaving the hospital. Do you miss the outpatient program?," asked Veronica of the program that had helped during prior hospitalizations.

" No, I think I know all they teach, by now. We sang this wonderful hymn at Mass this weekend. I think it's called, Do Not Fear to Hope. It's something in my head that I like,"said Diana.

" That's great to hear, Diana."

" I want to start attending a small group at church. I like discussing the scriptures and my faith."

" That sounds like something you'd like, Diana."

" Lots of conversation is difficult though. I have.. some trouble with social skills."

" That's ok. I could come with you. You can tell people that you have difficulty and you aren't meaning to seem insensitive. All groups there are a safe space. Confidentiality is important."

" I like talking one on one best."

" Me too, Diana. I think you'd be a good mentor."

" You do?"

" Yes, you are very positive and have great self awareness."

"Oh." Diana defaulted into her flat tone of voice.

" Did you hear me,Diana?"

" Yes, um.. you just called me positive?"

" I did. I have two suggestions. I think you'd be a good peer mentor to another person in recovery from psychosis. I also think you'd be a good sponsor to an adult convert with Schizophrenia or Bipolar," suggested Veronica.

" What.. oh, um.. I would?'" asked Diana almost chipping her coffee cup.

" Yes, I really do,Diana."

" This is going to take time to process. Everything seems to these days."

" That's ok, Diana."

Later that evening during dinner, Diana had to remind Spencer to stop rambling a few times.

" Honey, I love you dearly, but my brain just can't take rambling," said Diana.

" Oh, that's right. People in the early stages of recovery shouldn't be overwhelmed. I'm supposed to speak in short sentences, slowly." said Spencer.

" It's not just people with mental illness, Spencer. Conversation is back and forth. Even your Grandma Reid couldn't take your Uncle Daniel's constant chatter, at times," Said William.

" Ok, I'm really trying in social skills group, Dad!"

" I know. It's ok. Clear your dishes, then a half hour of video games, only."

Spencer sighed. " I know Dad, I have a great memory."

" Ok, can you let your mom and I have some alone time?"

" Ok, Dad."

A few minutes later, William was washing dishes, and Diana was drying them.

" I liked that chicken in the slow cooker. Remember the apartment Veronica and I had between the corner store and the park?," asked Diana.

" In Madison, yes I do."

" We had a slow cooker there. Handy for late nights writing our dissertations."

" I remember. How was your time with Veronica today?," asked William.

" Well, she thinks I can be a mentor," said Diana, picking up a dish.

" I think that's a great idea."

" Oh, you do?"

" I really do, Diana. You are very resilient. You've been through a lot of relapses, always persisting."

" She also thinks I could mentor a convert, with mental illness."

" I do too."

" I've doubted, fallen away sometimes."

" That's perfectly normal. Everyone doubts sometime, Diana."

" Ok. You will respect whatever decision I make, right?"

" I will Diana."

" Good. I love you. William."

" So do I my dear. Remember, there is no need to hurry anything right now."

" I'll try not to feel pressured."

" Good. Are you up for a walk?"

" Yes, just the two of us."

" Sounds like a plan."

Spencer didn't mind giving his parents alone and gladly went to his friend's house to work on his science project while his parents enjoyed a rare cool summer night in Las Vegas.


	46. Chapter 46

" Hi, Diana. It's Maureen. I'm putting together the monthly schedules for liturgical ministries. Would you like to lector or be a Eucharistic minister next month?" said her friend, who had called her.

" Hi, I have something I'd like to tell you first. I.. I was released from the hospital two weeks ago," replied Diana to the understanding former psychiatric nurse.

" Oh, are you up to puting church activities in your routine again?"

" Yes, I am. I want to join a small group, like a bible study."

" Well, I'm setting those up too."

" Good. I've always liked church ladies, well the ones who don't think it's wrong for women to work."

" Oh Diana, are we talking about a certain someone you met at my New Year's party?," said Mareen gently chuckling.

" Yes."

" I have a group here lead by a psychologist at the university hospital, that meets in the evenings to accommodate women who work, mostly in their 30s and 40's."

"Perfect. Your husband gave a wonderful homily last weekend. I had William help me remember some quotes to write down. If women are ever allowed to be deacons, you'd make a good one."

" Why thank you, Diana. That's really kind."

" Sometime, you and Paul should come to dinner. I'm not great in the kitchen. We may just get pizza."

" That would be just fine,Diana," replied Maureen.

" Good. Let me get a pen and paper. When does the group meet?"

" Wednesdays at 6 PM." Diana then penciled in the Sundays she was going to lector and distribute the Eucharist after establishing that.

" Good,Thanks. Have a good rest of your day. "

"You too, Diana."

Later that night while eating dinner, Spencer asked," Dad does your firm have the case where the mother.."

" Spencer!," interrupted William.

" What's wrong? He was talking,William."

" We don't discuss murder at the dinner table,not in great detail,"said William.

" Fair enough," said Diana.

After Spencer went to bed, Diana and William watched the news. William went to get popcorn and wasn't aware that Diana had heard the opening story.

" A father's worst nightmare, his young infant daughter murdered by his own wife. The defense is hoping for a not guilty by reason of insanity plea and states she was suffering from postpartum psychosis," stated the newscaster.

William ran into the room and turned off the TV.

" The poor woman. Oh William, you look terrible. Come here, honey." She put her arm around his shoulder.

" I wanted to protect you," said William.

"What… Oh,the news story? Don't we have a plan in case.. I, you know. Get the relapse prevention plan," said Diana.

Diana found the sentence she was looking for. " Read this out loud, William."

" If I have thoughts/ delusions or voices saying I should harm myself or others, I will tell someone. If my family feels in danger during crisis , they have my permission to call the police."

" Remember the statistics our son likes to tell us about violence and severe mental illness? It's small. Your well meaning worry hurts. Trust me. I know I'm sick and will do everything in my power to stay well. And if I don't think I'm sick and am spiraling,take me to a hospital. Just like last time. You know what relapse looks like. Lord knows, you've seen enough. I'm not a fragile flower who can't hear about psychosis. Don't shield me from things."Don't lose sleep over this. I'm just going to pray the jury makes the right decision, not worry about the what ifs all night."

" You are so wise, so articulate. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry." William hugged Diana.

" I forgive you, and am exhausted."

" Me too, let's get some sleep," said William.

William was so thankful albeit embarrassed that his wife took everything so well and pointed out his faults. He knew this was something for him to talk about in counseling. He knew what ifs about worst case scenarios would do no good. His wife had amazing care and a very insightful team. Whatever happened,he believed God would be with them. She was strong woman on a path to recovery. He wished news stories showed positive stories about recovery from mental illness,not just criminals.


	47. Chapter 47

Diana looked at her checklist with pride. She had a very active day at home, including a trip to the neighborhood coffee shop with her friend Cindy. It was a quiet, cozy place, a favorite neighborhood getaway. William came in from grilling with the burgers and veggie kabobs.

" It looks delicious, William."

" So do you my dear," replied William.

" Stop it," said Diana not in the mood for fun and games.

" All in good fun. You are beautiful inside and out, my dear."

" Thanks, William."

After dinner, Diana was looking forward to, yet was a bit apprehensive about her small group at the parish. It helped knowing the leader was in the helping profession and her neighbor and friend Anna would be there.

As Diana was giving her introduction, a young lady she thought looked familiar walked in the room.

" Hello, did you say Diana Reid, Dr. Reid?," asked the young lady.

" Yes, have we met?"

" Beth Shea. I spent many office hours with you while taking Women in Medieval Literature."

" Oh, yes! Good to see you again, dear."

" My name is Beth Shea. I have a PhD in Medieval Literature,am a part time library page, who loves analyzing and discussing scripture with other women of faith. "

" Great, welcome," said the group's leader, Julie.

Julie soon found out that two of the group participants had trouble with attention.

" Diana, are you,ok?," asked Julie. Diana's eyes shifted and she looked unfocused.

" Oh, the vacuum in the hallway and heater are loud. Could you please repeat the question?"

" Sure."

A little later Beth appeared to be having difficulty. " When I'm struggling with my faith…" Beth froze mid sentence for about 10 seconds until Julie assisted.

" Yes, when you are struggling with your faith,you do what?" As soon as Julie helped Beth regain her thoughts she realized she did exactly what she would have done in a Cognitive Behavioral therapy session with a patient experiencing thought blocking. Stop thinking that, you are not her psychologist, she thought to herself.

" I read the Bible and Margery Kempe, my favorite medieval mystic and.. I pray."

" Wonderful. There are so many people in our church history aren't there? Especially women," replied Julie.

" Amen to that," replied Diana.

Diana was happy to see Beth again, but a bit concerned by the way she presented herself, not quite the young lady she remembered, but more like herself as a young married woman about to start her first and only professional job, losing her grip on reality. It was concerning.

Both Diana and Julie offered their phone numbers before Beth left, and prayed for her that night.


	48. Chapter 48

Diana was concerned two weeks later when she hadn't seen Beth by the end of the session. It wasn't like her to miss. She asked William, who had picked her up from church, to stop at the address Beth had given her.

" I'm worried. I'm concerned for her health. She's not the student I remember."

" Do you need me?," asked a concerned William.

" Wait outside the building, I'll call for you if I need you."

" Let me at least in the hallway, ok?"

" Ok.

She buzzed herself in, and was greeted by Beth on the intercom telling her she needed to talk to her. She knocked on the apartment door, was let in and was shocked. It reminded her a bit of her office leading up to her first episode. Papers were strewn about the floor, book piled high, dishes piled high,pill bottles open and spilling into the sink.

" What are you looking at?" asked Beth.

Lord, I know William and Veronica said I'd be a good peer mentor, but I didn't think I'd be walking into it today, Diana silently prayed.

" I miss seeing you at church, Beth. Are you feeling ok?"

"I have news I must tell you. Only you will understand," replied Beth.

" Oh, Beth. Does something feel different, off?"

" I feel special. I've been chosen."

" Oh, um Beth, did this feeling happen after you stopped taking these?" Diana held up an empty bottle of antipsychotics bearing the inscription Sr. Anne McCoy MD on the bottle. It's a relapse, she's not compliant with medication and Anne is her psychiatrist, Lord give me strength, prayed Diana.

" I don't like taking those. Why'd you have to see those?"

" Where are your parents, Beth?"

" I don't need my earthly parents now. My Heavenly Father speaks to me."

" What.. what does he say?" She found a sheet of paper titled, For Emergencies .

" Don't you hear him too? I thought you'd be chosen to proclaim the good news with me."

" I don't. Where do you hear them?"

" My head, the devil…."

" The devil, you think you hear the devil too?" She called Anne, hands shaking.

" The Devil just took away my thought! I must go proclaim the news, what you hear in whispers proclaim from the housetops. Like in scriptures!"She began walking to the balcony.

" Stay here,Beth. I'm calling your psychiatrist." She opened the hallway door and mouthed crisis to William.

" Anne, oh Anne! I'm at Beth Shea's. I saw your name on her pill bottles. She's threatening, well I think she's planning on going on the , call her team and a mental health crisis team,please! Oh, I can't hold in my tears any longer." Anne called the police's crisis team knowing it's what Beth would want per her crisis plan. It was also on her plan to contact her parents. Diana agreed that she or William would take care of that.

William noticed an older lady come out of the apartment across the hall.

" Is she ok? Can she keep it down? I'm trying to watch the 9 o'clock news She's a nice girl, she's just a bit deranged."

Ma'm, we are getting help. It's going to be alright," replied William.

Diana handed the phone to Beth."Dr. McCoy,my friend isn't going to let me go on the roof. She's my favorite professor. I even invited her to my 21st birthday party. You'd like her. She's your sister? Tell her I've become Margery Kempe!"

Diana's eyebrows shot up. No wonder Beth thought she needed her, their favorite mystic and author was who she believed she had become.

" I would love to tell everyone,please let me go on the roof. But the scripture doesn't say balcony. It says rooftop! God is so loud, so loud! If you don't believe it's God speaking,are you a real Sister? So tired, so tired. Hold me Dr. Reid, I'm too tired to go to the roof now." She laid her head on Diana's shoulder until the police came.

While waiting for the police to arrive Anne said to Diana" I know the crisis intervention team well Diana," said Anne.

" You trust them?"

" I do. Her parents are wonderful people too. Her mom teaches psychology part time at the community college and her dad started the center for students with disabilities there, a few years ago. Did she tell you?"

" She did."

" Call my earthy stand in parents, tell them the news," declared Beth, reaching for the phone.

" Beth, you are going to tell Dr. McCoy all about the news at the hospital. You'd like that wouldn't you?"

" Yes. I like the hospital. It's Catholic," stated Beth.

" Police are coming. Dr. McCoy trusts them."

"She wants to help me?"

" Yes, my dear,very much."

Thankfully when the police came with an ambulance,Beth went willingly, screaming to the neighborhood who she thought was her true identity.

Diana fell into William's arms. " Can you call and tell the parents about tonight. You know how to talk families in a way I can't."

" Of course, honey."

" I'm going to lock up, take her key and get the heck out. I'm going to take my anxiety PRN, sleep aid, herbal tea and sleep in if I can."

" Of course, honey. You did a wonderful job tonight, as difficult as it must have been."All things considered, William was impressed with how well Diana handled everything. He prayed that night, that it wouldn't hinder her relapse.


	49. Chapter 49

Diana woke up feeling rested, a wonderful feeling. All of a sudden last night's events came rushing back.

" William?" Diana called out. She went to the room he used as an office and heard his voice.

She sat on the living room couch. "Protect her, Lord. Heal her, help her accept treatment",prayed Diana.

She pushed herself off the couch,made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and put the kettle on for some tea,then took her medication. The pill bottles from last night came to mind and she said another silent prayer for Beth.

William popped out of the office. " Beth's parents would like to speak to you."

" Oh, good," said Diana going to the office.

She picked up the phone. " Hello, this is Diana."

" We'd like to thank you for helping our daughter, last night," said Beth's mother,Julie.

" It had to be done. I was going to call you earlier, but she.."

" I understand. We just got back from vacation last night. We were going to call Beth this morning, then your husband called us. Her psychiatrist called last night and we spoke to Beth then. I'm Jack and this is my wife,Julie," stated and explained Jack.

" I wasn't ready to tell you last night. It's hard to think about, especially when you've been sick too. I have Schizophrenia. I quit my job after my first episode of psychosis," explained Diana.

" I think that helped, Beth, someone who knows psychosis firsthand like that," said Julie.

" How is she?"

" She, um doesn't want to see us right now. She wants to see you," said Julie.

" Oh, I'm sorry, I want to see her, but you should too ," said Diana.

" We are going to try calling some more,"said Jack.

" Does she talk about her delusions to you,usually?," asked Diana.

" She told us last night that.. that we aren't her real parents,"said Julie.

"Did she tell you who she thinks she is?"asked Diana.

" Yes, she said the enthusiasm Dr. Reid has for my work and the fact that a lay woman can have such a career when most women didn't teach or write in my century is refreshing."

" Sounds like the feminist is still there, the young lady who gave me a reason to come to campus when my paranoia started."

" Thanksgiving and Christmas break that semester was filled with lots of praise for you and the subject material of your course. She said you were her role model," said Julie.

" My friends and family, they think I can be a role model to people in recovery from mental illness," said Diana.

" I really think you should be , Diana, especially to Beth, " said Jack.

"I'll call her today, maybe visit. I've never done that, visited when I wasn't a patient."

" Just knowing you'll reach out will make me feel better,knowing you are there for her," said Julie.

" When things are better, I'd like to meet you two. You seem like wonderful people," said Diana.

" Likewise, Diana. I'll be praying for you, " replied Julie.

" Thank you."

After hanging up, Diana said to William, " The first was my worse, wasn't it? We didn't think we could ever have a normal life, did we?"

" Your first episode?," asked William.

" Yes, she reminded me of a younger me."

"You've come so far, my dear. I believe Beth has what she needs to have a good recovery and you will be part of it. I have to leave for the courthouse, client has a competency hearing. Are you all set for your day?"

" I think so. I'm concerned about Spencer. I want to protect Beth's privacy."

" You can do it, set boundaries."

" I'll pray for your client," said Diana.

" Thanks, I really appreciate it, Diana," said William.

Spencer came in the living room in his PacMan t- shirt and khaki shorts, looking adorable as ever.

" Mom, have a good day. I hope your friend feels better. Are you experiencing difficult feelings?"

" Your job, young man is to have fun with your enrichment summer school courses. I'll be with Veronica today."

Spencer eagerly ran off to catch a ride with his friend's mom to school.

Diana went to call Veronica.

" Veronica, I think I need emotional support today. Can you come here this time?"

" Sure, do you want me to come sooner than our scheduled coffee time?"

" Can you?"

" Sure."

" A few minutes later over some water and decaf coffee, Diana was thankful for her friend's presence.

" She was very ill. It's been so long since I've been that ill. It made me cry," said Diana.

" That's understandable. I'm glad you were there," said Veronica.

" I've never visited a patient before. I can right?"

" To my knowledge, there are no rules against it, or are you saying can I in doubt?"

" Um, both. Will the staff care?"

" Good staff will be encouraged to see you mentoring and comforting a friend in need. Do you want me to stay here while you call the hospital?"

" In the kitchen?"

" Ok."

A few minutes later, Diana was talking to Beth.

" It's Dr. Reid, Beth."

" Dr. Reid, my friend."

" Yes, dear. Is talking and thinking difficult now?"

" The Devil is here," whispered Beth.

Think, think, what would a nurse say, thought Diana. " That sounds scary."

" I can't talk… or think much," she finished 15 seconds later.

" Do you want me to visit?"

" Save me, did the injection protect me last night?"

" The medicine is supposed to help you. Do you want me to visit?"

After a minute of silence, Diana heard a soft yes.

" Did you give me permission to talk to staff?"

" Only you can know of my presence here."

" May I talk to your nurse?"

Diana soon was talking to her former nurse,Barb.

" Did Beth sign for disclosing info about her stay and treatment to me?"

" Yes, I don't want you to bear this alone, neither does the social worker or her supervisor. We are trying to convince her to let her parents access info about her stay and treatment."

" Thank you. I used to be very sick, like that. I was in so deep the first time."

" It's good to have someone there who gets it. Peer support is so important."

" Is Anne her psychiatrist now?"

" Yes, and Mary her social worker and Dr. Brown the psychologist."

" Good. I thank God I saved her. I will come early afternoon."

" I will let her know. She slept well after her PRN last night. I think the staff is all grateful she came when she did. No violence last night, just agitation, according to the notes,here. She speaks so highly of you. It's sincere,Diana."

" Thank you so much." Diana wanted to cry tears of sadness and joy at the same time.

She went to hug Veronica as she began to cry.

" If I drank I'd ask you to poor me a drink," said Diana.

" Lemonade?"

" Sure," Diana pounded the kitchen table and declared," Psychosis sucks."

" It does, you sounded like a mental health professional,friend"

" Really. I just on kept on thinking, what would a nurse say?"

" Good. You can do this, this afternoon, Diana. I have faith in you, " said Veronica.

" I have faith in God too."

" Good, Diana. I'm so encouraged by your resilience."

They knew going to visit Beth was the right thing.


	50. Chapter 50

It was definitely weird walking into the psych unit as a non patient. It was even more odd to see Beth sitting in the same chair Diana preferred as a patient. She was glad Veronica was here for emotional support.

" Dr. Reid, who is with you?," asked Beth.

" A good and trusted friend, Veronica."

" Oh, good."

" May we sit by you?""asked Diana.

" Safe here," said Beth.

" Yes, you are. I'm going to sit here and Dr. Reid next to you, ok?," said Veronica.

Beth's eyes stared into Diana's. They were filled with confusion and fear.

" What is recovery?," asked Beth.

Diana smiled. " Feeling better, doing more things you feel you can't do now."

" Dr. Brown said recovery is possible. I don't understand what's wrong."

" You will in time, I think."

"No, no, I won't need recovery."

"Beth…"

" No, no, no,no, I am chosen, chosen."

" Can Dr. Reid or I help? How do you feel?",asked Veronica.

" Stay."

" I can't stay all day, dear. I've stayed here before. Don't fear,"said Diana.

" Asylum, sanctuary,haven from evil, safe place, stay, safe for heretics."

" I will come tomorrow. You are at St. Elizabeth's hospital. I'm safer out in the world, right now. You are right,it is safe for you here."

" I want a priest who will understand."

" I know just the man, my friend. I'll ask him to visit you."

" Stay safe Dr. Reid."

" I will,friend."

"Do you want to see if her treatment team are available?," asked Veronica.

" Yes,meet me out front?"asked Diana wanting Beth's information to remain confidential.

" Of course."

Diana knocked on her sister's office door.

" Hi Diana. Come on in."

" How do you do this day in and out? Watch the slow recovery of your patients until they are stable?"

" Rough visit?," asked Sr. Anne.

" I can't be her caregiver. I have to take care of myself."

" Her mom convinced her to let staff talk to her, this morning. She signed a release of information before you came. Just be a caring friend now," said Sr. Anne.

" Literally thank God," said Diana.

" I agree. She began taking medication today."

" How was she convinced?"

" The devil delusion. She said she trusted my prescription, because I want to 'rid her of the evil presence'," said Sr. Anne.

" Oh, I'm going to let Fr. Joe visit her. He helped me along with Fr. John."

" Good, Diana. You can't and shouldn't help her alone. Staff here and her family will help."

" Like you and others help me every day."

" Yes, Diana."

" Oh, I have support group in a few hours."

" This would be a good topic to discuss. I say that first and foremost as a professional who believes that what I prescribe is only part of the continual recovery process."

" I believe you. Thank goodness it's William's turn to cook tonight. I think I'm going to be emotionally drained by dinner."

" That's just how it is some days. Just do everything you can to relax and try to sleep well. Have a good rest of your day."

" You too,Anne."

Diana left the hospital feeling a bit less stressed and thankful. She prayed for all those struggling with mental illnesses, especially those without support. Veronica told her impressed she was with her strength and resilience. Her support group was also very encouraging about the power of peer support and how giving back can improve self esteem.


	51. Chapter 51

" Why do you ask us how we feel? Shouldn't it be obvious. We've had to be whisked away to protection. They burn people at the stake you know!,"declared Beth in group therapy.

"Joan of Arc, with the Lord to guide her, she was a sister who really cooked," sang a patient, Sue, some dark humor about Joan's fate at the stake, found in the Maude theme song,that mentioned memorable women in history.

" Oooh, the Maude theme song. I love Maude. There was this episode where she was diagnosed as a manic depressive and Henry Fonda was in it and..," said another patient Carol talking a mile a minute.

" How about we listen to what Beth has to say," said Dr. Brown.

" We must feel the same!," said Beth.

" How do you feel right now?"

" Confused and still safe, I think."

" You are still safe, Beth." Dr. Bill Brown was pleased to see Beth string together more advanced and coherent sentences, when she was less coherent the day before.

" A man tell me I'm safe? How do I know you aren't someone who wants to persecute me?"

" He's a doctor who is trying to get us to do talk therapy. Annoying, but not dangerous, said Mark, another patient.

" Aren't there some who hear things here?," asked Beth.

" Me, the government is spying on me, I think," said Sue.

" See!"

" I feel like dying, but nobody here is going to kill you," said Mark.

" Beth and Mark are right. We are all safe here. Our goal is to feel safe in the community and lead productive lives, even if they are different than before."

" Safe, out there where only Dr. Reid understands me?"

" My family doesn't understand me. When they found out I went to the new gay bar, they told me they won't pay my college tuition, " said Mark.

" The Church disapproves of your actions too!," exclaimed Beth who felt they shared the same enemy, the hierarchy of the Catholic Church.

" Let's all name one person we trust that we can go to for help," said Dr. Brown.

After they did, Carol said," My psychiatrist says I have a grandiose delusion. I think Helen Reddy is going to invite me to go on tour with her. She's not hiding in a hospital afraid of being persecuted, she's out there singing, " I am woman, hear me roar. Don't be so scared, Beth."

" You all are strong. So strong. When I see you again can we talk about how to be positive?",asked Beth.

" That's our next topic. I'll see you all tomorrow. Remember to go to your nurse or nursing assistant for any immediate need. Have a good rest of your afternoon."

Walking to her favorite chair, Beth was surprised to see whom she called her " earthly parents" and Dr. Reid.

" Why are they together? For she is only the woman who carried me in my womb, so God could bring back Margery Kempe," said Beth gesturing to her mother, while asking her nurse

" They came together. I'll be at the nurse's station if you need me," said her nurse, Barb before leaving.

" And Dr. Reid, I love her like an aunt or older sister. She understands the writing in ways these two can't!"

" I want you to know I love you very much, as much as Mary loved Jesus," said Beth's mom, Julie.

" My writings?"

" The writings of Beth Shea are written with just as much passion as Margery Kempe's,"replied Julie.

" Let's have a seat," said Diana.

" Tell them Dr. Reid, how lucky they are to have a reincarnation of a mystic as a daughter. That's who I think I am, I think."

" The reason we are here is because we all care for you. Have you talked about why you are here with your team?",asked Diana.

" They will protect me. Psych unit, they say. That must be a guise. Do you hear him Dr. Reid?"

" No, I don't hear anyone. Sometimes I do, when I'm not well, when I come here."

" Yes, Lord, I am chosen."

"Beth , God is with you. I agree. He's going to help you live as Beth," said Beth's dad, Jack.

" What do you know? Shh, he's louder." Beth had a look of deep concentration on her face.

" You should tell the nurse, so she can try to help you Come, let's find your nurse." Diana gestured to Beth to follow her.

" Did he do that? Make God louder, that doubter, Jack?"

" I think you are stressed. Would you feel better if your parents left?"

" Do you understand stress?"

" Yes, may I leave after we talk to your nurse?" I understand stress and I can't see anymore of this, and I need to get the heck out of here, thought Diana.

" Come again, please",Beth squeezed her hand.

" I will, friend."

" Barb, Dr. Reid said I should talk to you, " Beth approached the nurse's station.

" What can I do for you?"

" The voice of God is loud again."

" Ahh, I see. Well would you like to talk about how I can help. Think of what we can do about that?

" Oh yes, please."

" I'm going to leave now," said Diana.

" I'll pray for you," said Beth.

" Thank you. I'll pray for you too."

"Sister Joan,who was the director of nursing for the unit,stopped Diana in the hallway.

" Diana, your sister wanted me to tell you that Beth's parents are having a quick check in with the team."

" I'll be the hospital's main lobby reading the scripture for tonight's study at the convent. Then I'll need a nap. I just can't be here any longer."

" I really think your daily presence is helping Beth's mood tremendously. I understand how difficult it can be for former patients visiting, I've seen it before."

" Of course. Thanks for all you do, Sister Joan."

" You are very welcome. See you later."

Diana needed a nap and was grateful for the opportunity for dinner and study with the Sisters. She was glad so many people helped make an accommodating yet fulfilling schedule for her and that she could actually help somone headed towards recovery.


	52. Chapter 52

"Why does it take so long?," asked Beth who was in Sr. Anne's office five days later discussing medication.

" For the medication to work?," asked Sr. Anne.

" Yes!"

" Well, not everyone's reaction to medication is the same. Treatment is not the same for everyone. It can take up to a few weeks for the type of medication you are on to act effectively. It's been awhile since your body had this in you."

" But it works?"

" Since I'm also your psychiatrist at the clinic, I think what you are taking again is best for you,out of all you've tried."

" But I stopped it. I don't quite remember why."

" You were doing well on the medication and probably wanted to see if you could do without."

" I went against your orders. You are so wise and such a role model. I used to want to be a Sister when I was a little girl."

" I'm not mad at you. I'm not going to shame you or judge you. As someone who cares for the well being of her patients, I want you to get better."

" I just understood how sick I was yesterday."

"That's good Beth. I know this must be hard to think about, but I want to schedule a meeting with your team about discharge."

" But,sometimes I feel paranoid and still hear the voices."

" I think coming to a program here during the day, working on skills you need to live well with your illness would help. It will get better."

" I've been a horrible daughter."

" Beth, you are recovering from an illness. In your mind at the time your actions were logical."

" I guess. I usually get depressed after an episode, don't I?"

" You have, yes. Lots of people do. I know it's not pleasant and you can try some coping strategies with depression too."

" It felt so weird when it clicked yesterday. I saw someone talking to someone I couldn't see. My mother said their brain wasn't working well and had trouble perceiving reality. It was called Psychosis. Then I thought, wait is what Dr. Brown said in therapy actually true about me? Was the reason God was talking less and the reason I trusted more people, not because God had abandoned me, but he wasn't the voice I heard? I asked my nurse if I was sick and she confirmed what I was told before. I have Schizophrenia."

" Yes, Beth, you do."

" I remember before, my other episodes, hospitalizations. This one was such a positive delusion. I didn't want it to end."

" I understand, but you almost hurt yourself. You needed treatment and it's very important that you continue treatment."

" Thanks for all you do. You are the best psychiatrist I've ever had. I like that you are a Sister. It's very comforting."

" Thank you. I'll let your nurse know when your discharge planning meeting is scheduled."

" I hope my parents help me recover."

" I think they will. We'll be talking about that tomorrow. Your social worker will help you plan for the future."

" Good. I'm kind of scared."

" That's very natural,Beth. Well, I have a meeting to get you. I'll see you later."

" Ok, your sister should be coming to visit me soon. She said I can call her Diana."

" I'm glad you have a good friend to help you through this. I'd say that even if it wasn't Diana. Everyone needs a friend."

" Bye."

" I'll see you tomorrow Beth."

" Yes." What an exhausting and busy 24 hours thought Beth. She was pleased to see Diana when she left Dr. McCoy's office.

" Diana, I have news, I'm not sure if I think it's good or scary."

" What is it, Beth?"

" I think I can leave here soon. I'm going to have a meeting tomorrow."

" That's good Beth, very good news. Let's go to our favorite corner."

" You were here with my mom, yesterday, right?"

" I was, that was difficult wasn't it?"

" I forgot what it feels like, understanding being sick."

" I was only in your position about a month ago, telling my friend the same thing."

" Here, you mean?"

" Yes."

" Oh, do you feel better?"

" Yes, but life is still hard. You'll get help."

" Will you still help?"

" Yes, but I think now your family and others will be more involved. I need to take care of myself too. I still get help sometimes too."

" Oh, we can visit?"

" Yes, like now."

" Do you still use coping skills, therapy and medication?"

" I do."

" You.. you saved me when you were still sick?"

" It was difficult, but I was better and had to,my dear."

"My apartment was…"

" Your parents and aunt have cleaned it. They will help you go through the mail, get groceries, all of that. They told me just to be here for you as a friend."

" What if I don't want an apartment anymore?"

" You can talk about all that later. Don't be afraid. Everyone here and your parents will help."

" I trust you and I think God is still here."

" So do I,my friend. You have a good evening, ok."

" I'll try."

" Good." They gave each other a warm hug and felt strength and hope.


	53. Chapter 53

When Beth first came to the hospital, she felt safe. She was used to the structure and routine. It brought comfort to her. She was very grateful that her support system was going to help her transition to life outside the hospital. She was still terrified now, knowing she was still sick, facing the reality of her mental illness was difficult.

" Mom, Dad, I'm overwhelmed. I'm scared to take the next step." She was literally standing at the sliding doors of the front of the hospital.

" We can do this, Beth," said Julie.

" Together," said Jack.

Together they walked out the door ignoring the looks of some disgruntled people not wanting the trio in their way.

Emotions overwhelmed Beth when she arrived in her building's parking lot. " I can't start over here, can I, my apartment again? I think I want a two bedroom, a roommate. I'm still not sure what I want." Beth looked at her balcony, remembered that night she went to the hospital and began to cry.

" Beth, we are very open to ideas about the future. You'll always have a place with us if you need it. You will get help," said Jack.

" It looks brand new, honey. Come, take a look," said Julie.

" Brand new, or better?"

" Better, the building still looks like it did 20 years ago. I've even labeled things and made some checklists for you."

" I remember those, when I used them before. I'm sorry I stopped,Mom."

" Lots of people use them, you don't have to ashamed."

" I love you so much,Mom."

" I love you too, honey. I know life isn't easy, but I have faith in you. Now, I've put a little something on your door, I think you'll like."

Beth looked at her door to the apartment and her mouth dropped open.

" My favorite bible verse. The Lord is my light and my salvation. Whom shall I fear?" Oh,Mom!" She gave both parents a hug.

When she walked into her apartment, she was surprised.

" Not like I remember it. So clean. Labels, checklists. Wait my job, what happened? My income?"

" You've still got the job if you want it, then you have your supplemental income too," said Julie.

" I disclosed, right?"

" You did."

" I'm thinking I need time off. I'm scared to work again."

" Do you want me to pick up some lunch at the deli?," asked Jack."

" Sounds good to me, Beth?"

" Yes, I don't want to cook now."

" Ok, I'll be back, ladies."

" Thanks, Dad."

"No problem."

" Do you want to fill your pill box with me, or do you want me to do it,?"asked Julie.

" Do you have a list from the hospital?"

" I do."

" Ok, I'll go in my room then." Beth saw her childhood teddy bear on her bed, grabbed her rosary in one hand and her bear in another and wrapped herself securely in her sheets. She prayed she could live alone again and accept the help she needed. She looked at her labeled dresser and saw her mother's handwriting on the drawers.

"My brain is so sick that I feel kind of stupid," Beth called out.

As soon as she finished, Julie came into her daughter's room and sat on her bed beside her.

" I have more time now, you know. I only am teaching two classes at the community college now, no more clients. We only live 3 miles away. Your dad and I, we like helping you."

" Really? Oh, ok." As they sat there in silence for awhile, Beth felt love, strength and hope.


	54. Chapter 54

" The Lord is my light and my salvation," sang Diana, who was cantor for the Saturday evening Mass.

She signaled those in the pews, who then sang the response of the responsorial psalm. Beth felt such comfort. She didn't realize her friend had a beautiful voice.

The homily was on the Gospel reading, with a strong theme of mercy. Beth tried to pay attention to the words being said. She couldn't stop thinking of the words said to her earlier in confession, " It's not a sin to have a mental illness." She felt so guilty for the things she had said to her parents when she was in the hospital,bits of conversation came to her.

I really feel terrible, Lord. I need to receive you now,thought Beth.

As soon as she saw that Diana would be giving her the Eucharist, she had a smile on her face. She must know how it be, struggling in life and receiving Jesus in the Eucharist.

After Mass,Beth saw her small group leader, Julie. She gave her a shy smile.

" Hi Beth, would you like a hug?"

" Yes, please."

" Will we be seeing you again in our small group soon?"

" Yes, but I want to disclose something to you. With less people around."

" Let's head to where we meet, then?" They then went to the meeting room.

" I'm telling you this,because you are a psychologist. I know you'll keep this between us. I had a relapse of Psychosis. I have Schizophrenia. Don't tell anyone in group the details." Beth was staring at the ground .

" Beth,can you look at me? This will stay confidential. I'm glad you felt comfortable telling me. If there is anything I can do, let me know, ok?"

" I will, thank you." Beth gave Julie another smile.

They then ran into Diana and William who were talking to Beth's parents.

" Hi Diana. Will I see you Wednesday?,"asked the group leader.

" Yes, have you met Julie Shea,Beth's mother?"

"Professionally, I think. You gave a presentation on mental health in college students, last year. I'm Julie Brown, a professor of Psychology the at University of Nevada, here in Vegas."

" Nice to meet you, this is my husband,Jack," replied Beth's mom.

" Diana, you have a beautiful voice," said Beth.

" Thank you,Beth," Diana replied.

" Wait, did you sing with me this past week? I think you did." Beth remembered now, hearing singing when she was still not sure what was reality.

" I did."

" Thank you."

" You are very welcome. We can sing together again if you'd like."

" When I feel up to it. I'm tired now."

" Of course. I'll see you later, Beth."

William extended his hand. " I don't think we've been properly introduced. I'm William."

" Nice to meet,officially. You seem like a wonderful person. You were with Diana that night, weren't you?"

" I was."

" That wasn't how I want you to remember me."

" Beth, Diana has told me a lot about you, wonderful things, ever since she went to your 21st birthday party. I'll remember the positive things, not symptoms."

" Good."

After introductions were made,they went their separate ways. Beth was ready for pizza at her parent's house and some light tv,while Diana wanted nothing more than a quiet family dinner, a Shirley Temple,quality family time and a game of Trivial Pursuit.

Everyone had a pleasant, relaxing evening. The science category was Diana's downfall in Trivial Pursuit . It was a long game, but the 7 year old genius beat his mother, with his scientifically minded brain. However, Diana surprised everyone that night with her Jenga skills.

Beth was able to unwind from her busy evening and finally fall asleep relaxed, but not until the frustrating anxiety and restlessness passed.


	55. Chapter 55

" Thanks for picking me up and having me over, Diana," said Beth over a glass of lemonade.

" No problem. It's time that car gets used more."

"I'd walk, but it's August in a desert."

" I don't mind, even driving a mile reminds me I'm not helpless. Although, the meds can make it difficult, can't they?"

" For sure. I was wondering what was wrong with me when I first drove again. I don't want to drive alone yet."

" Good choice for now, Beth. How is your program at the hospital?"

" A good reminder of how to best help myself. Or try to, I've had relapses while taking medication and trying my hardest to stay well."

" Me too, so frustrating."

" I should have told you."

" What?"

" I heard voices in your office, whispers."

" Me too, Beth. Symptoms started to get worse when we moved. I first heard voices talking when I was moving things in to my office. The anxiety, paranoia and decline in functioning started a few months before with a mysterious ticking noise in the creepiest and ugliest academic building ever, at night, in grad school."

" The voices came during our first office visit, mockingly telling me to stay safe and laughing. I knew your office was safe."

" This house will always be a safe space for you. I'll help you whenever I'm able."

" My Mom says it would be good to eventually make more friends. I don't know if I want to, now."

" You should Beth. I'm glad I did. They've really helped me through so much. When I was sick, I was worried when you disappeared. I thought I had to rescue you."

" I thought I had to help you. My roommate saved me then, the kindest future nurse, I've ever met. She called my parents. You'd like her. She works at the psych unit at the university hospital, a huge advocate for mental health."

" Wonderful. I was helped by a social work student in the class you were in, Catherine, dark hair, cat eye glasses, almost never jeans. She always wore a Mary medal."

" Oh, I remember her, so nice. We sat next to each other."

" I told the class my delusion, all 30 students knew I was afraid of being killed. She told me she could help. We went to my office, she found out what was going on, got me home safely, thank God."

" Wow."

" Then my priest at the time came to campus to check on me, when I didn't show up for an appointment. He got me to come out under my hiding place under the desk and give me the Blessed Sacrament."

" How comforting. On Sunday I felt comfort when you gave me Jesus."

" Good."

" My mom says I have a few people I can talk too, not just you. I like you, she does too, but.."

" I understand. I lost a best friend as an undergraduate. My world was small, then I had trouble socializing once I moved to Vegas. Then, I found more friends when I left the hospital."

" Are we only friends because of our delusions involving each other?"

" No, Beth. I like you for who you are, not because some voices years ago told me something."

" Ok, some friends from the hospital, I wonder if we are friends, just because we are sick."

" That's not us, Beth. We have mutual interests. When I was an undergrad, I had a friendship with a professor too. She helped me through trauma, yes, but it was our personalities, love for medieval Literature and discussions that kept us friends."

" Ok, I drifted away from my other friends. They leave messages on my answering machine asking if I'm ready to hang out. I really should set something up, use my calendar, but I want to work too."

" You want to work half days, right. You don't have to do something after work every day. Sometimes, a short walk is the only getting out of the house for me."

" Dealing with mental illness is hard when you live alone. You have to calm yourself. The coping is all on you."

" Beth, call me or your parents, or your therapist if you need to ok?"

" I will. Recovery is so hard. Every bad moment, bad day,I get so afraid of relapsing."

" I have too, Beth. Some days, you have to praise yourself for getting out of bed and eating, if that's all you can do."

" I'll try to remember that, Diana."

" Spencer should be home soon. He talks a lot. He tries very hard to be aware of his rambling, but it can be overwhelming. He's extremely intelligent."

A minute later, Spencer walked in the door.

" I'm home, Mom!," Spencer declared.

" Spencer, this is my friend, Beth. Since she is an adult, I want you to call her Ms. Beth."

" When do I get to use first names alone?"

" When you are in high school."

" 2 more years, ok."

Beth's mouth dropped open.

" I told you he he was bright, didn't I? I call him my little professor." Diana got out the fixings for peanut butter and Jelly sandwiches, while Spencer talked to Beth.

" I hope you continue to feel better. When I feel anxious or depressed, I do Math problems. When my Mom is depressed, I read 15 century literature to her."

" How nice, Spencer. I like to listen to music when I'm upset."

" Spencer, everything is in reach for you to make a sandwich. I'm going to be back in a few minutes. I'm going to take Beth home."

As soon as they got in the car Beth asked," How do you do it?"

" Do what?"

" Raise a child, be a wife, have a social life, take care of yourself."

" It's hard Beth, very hard. I have busy days and lazy days. On lazy days, I nap and stay home most of the day. Then the next day I may have 2 or three events, always with time in between. If I work again, I couldn't do a full day, then do household and family things."

" You accept you aren't teaching and researching?"

" Very reluctantly, my friend. I miss it, I really do."

" Me too."

" We still have a lot to give this world. I'd love to have you join the support group at the parish. We talk like this all the time."

" What day is it?"

" Friday, at 4:30. I like ending the week like that. I'm so glad I can get to your place without going on the highway."

" They stress me out too. Have a good night. Tell William, I said hi." Diana was pulling into Beth's apartment building's parking lot.

" Do you want me to pick you up for support group?"

" Please."

Ok, I'll see you at 4:15 tomorrow?"

" Yes, thank you, Diana."

When Diana got home, she was glad there were leftovers from the night before, dinner would be easy that night. She kicked off her shoes, put on some Carole King and lay on the couch, lounging and doing deep breathing.

" I'm home," called William.

" I'm in the living room," called out Diana. She was not her mother. She was mentally exhausted and was staying put. William knew if he wanted a drink, he could make his own.

" How's it going,Diana?" Can I get you anything?"

" I've had a long day, a good one, but tiring. Can you get me glass of water?"

" Of course, then I'll go change. Spencer already done with homework?"

" I think so."

I'm not surprised. I'll go say hi."

" Ok." I'm so grateful I live with family, thought Diana. I understand why Beth enjoys her weekends at home. Thank God for support. Having mental illness is no picnic.


	56. Chapter 56

" I won't be here next week. I'm going to San Francisco to visit a college friend," said Diana to her church small group.

" Be sure to wear flowers in your hair," joked her friend Anna,in reference to the popular 60's song.

" I used to make crowns from wild flowers on campus, during study breaks," said Diana.

" That sounds nice. I don't think my daughter is making flower crowns. She got a DUI last night. Please pray that she seeks help and acknowledges her addiction," said the group leader Julie.

" She still could be making flower crowns," said Beth remembering an inebriated woman with a plastic lay stumbling into the ER singing I Feel Pretty.

" She could be, Beth. Do you need a ride next week?," asked Julie.

" I could bike if it's cool enough."

" Where do you live?," asked Catherine, a group member around Beth's age.

" North Desert Avenue."

" I live on South Desert Avenue. Here is my number." She jotted it down on a piece of paper and handed it to Beth.

Maybe I'll have a new friend thought Beth.

" Thank you," said Beth.

" No problem," replied Catherine.

Beth and Diana were getting into Diana's car.

" I like her. She seems so sincere," said Beth.

" Yes she does. If you are going to make more friends, I think this parish is a good place to do it."

" I'm glad we are both getting comfortable here, Diana. Have you always felt that way in a parish?"

" Not always. I was hurt at the parish where Spencer was baptized. The priest was not a very kind man, very insensitive. Not someone I'd want to talk to for help. Being a lifelong Catholic, surrounded by many wonderful Catholics, made it a little easier to come back to a parish community. The way I see it, it's broken, yet beautiful. It's my church and I'm staying."

" All these young families don't really get what it's like do they?," asked Beth.

" Severe mental illness, no not many. But you'd be surprised how many people have some connection to some sort of disability. Sometimes the older people are, the more accepting they are too. It can be hard to surround yourself with the right people, but it can be done. Sometimes it's harder to find the good in life, but it's always there," said Diana.

" Thanks, Diana. I needed to hear that."

" No problem. You have a good night, my friend."

" You too, Diana."

When Diana got home, she was thankful for the microwave and the dishwasher. Anything that made housework easier. The family sat down to a late meal of hamburgers from the night before.

" How's Beth doing,?" asked William.

" She's moving forward, trying to find a balance in life. A young lady closer to her age offered to take her to group next week. She lives down the street from her."

" That's good," replied William.

" It really is. You know sometimes, I feel like her older sister, she needs someone who doesn't have that almost family dynamic."

" I agree."

" My friend Jeff is like that, he looks out for me, like a mature, defensive, older brother would," said Spencer.

" Very true, Spencer. Are you looking forward to staying over this weekend?" asked William.

" Most definitely."

" How was summer school?," asked Diana.

Spencer proceeded to talk excitedly about the experiments in his enrichment science class. Diana was very grateful for her son, but was looking forward to a getaway. It was just what she needed.


End file.
